The Ex-Files

Previously in one of my blog entries, I spoke on a married ex and his whole new relationship with me, and so I would like to update that first of all, and then I would like to talk about another ex. This entire entry will be focused completely on the "ex-files."
As discussed previously, I have an ex who is now married, but he has been calling me at work, leaving messages on myspace, and I am trying to avoid him. I know how important it is for me to let this ex and his new wife have a smooth life, and that is why I have been avoiding him. Everytime we talk or he calls my work, we only talk about us and what we once shared. His new thing is, that he would like to make me feel guilty, which happens even without his help. Finally, the other day I just told him that for a while we need to just not talk and go back to how it used to be. Why all of a sudden does he think he can call me and make amends? He wrote me an email that said, "You are Carrie from Sex and the City and I am Big." I was stunned... 2 min later, he calls my work phone. I informed him that Carrie and Big end up getting together, although Big was married to someone else. I then continued to explain that that would not happen to/for us. Trouble always seeks me out, seriously...?

If all that is not enough, I found out another ex has moved back to St. Louis from a northern state. I have not seen this particular ex in about 4 years, and he and I have spoken off and on. We have had some conversations about our relationship and what went wrong, but nothing has ever occurred and although he has spoke of going out on a date, we knew that would not happen since he lived too far away. In August, we talked and I have never spoken to him since because he was such a jerk to me that day on the phone. When I heard he moved to St. Louis, I freaked out, because I realize that I will be frequenting that area, plus considering moving back. I definitely do not want him to call me, much less live in the same area as me. Well two days later, I am online and he instant messages me, apologizing for his last conversation. We end up talking for 2 hours or so, and now he is super excited about me coming to St. Louis here in a few months. He wants to go out on dates, spend quality time with me, and I am already done. I was done with that relationship four years ago, when he walked out of my life.

What happens when a relationship goes bad, is that there is always a silent time. You don't speak, you don't really ask about them, it's the cut-off stage. People say their name and you just go on with life as if you had never heard that particular name before. Then comes the day, when they just call you up, pretend like everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I can't help but remember how both of these guys used me four years ago, how they are attempting to use me now. They don't even know me now, they are just assuming nothing has changed in the last 4 years, but everything has changed. Everything. I have more self-respect this time around, I have a better relationship with myself, and I expect more out of life than someone's leftovers. Who I once was, I no longer am. These two guys made a huge impact on my love life years ago, but they do not get a second chance to get close to me.

What if life was not full of second chances? Maybe we would not take the first chance of hurting someone, maybe we would be careful of their feelings, maybe, just maybe I would be happy now. Apparently I have a radar for those who want to just use someone, discard of them when they choose, and then act as if nothing was ever wrong. And apparently, I am a walking target for guys who choose to like me, but want to hide everything we share, and lie about it to their wives, best friends, etc. And it seems like a routine for me to "date" someone only to have our entire relationship be placed into oblivion, and when they feel like it they call years later to reconcile. No thank you... This time around I am not trying to add an extra name to the ex-files. I don't open those files, pull them out and go over the information within them. I don't look for an emergency contact number, and when I am lonely or bored, call them. Next time I am in a ex-file area, I will be sure to have my guard up to prevent myself from awkward situations and unnecessary conversations. And most importantly, I will be very careful to let those files stay private, it's better that way... avoid, cut off, forget and move on... what a fun journey this has been through the ex-files.

Dreams & Reality

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current dreams and present reality. There have been certain times in my life that when I do not allow myself to answer my own questions of reality, my dreams quote the answers. It seems as if I nightly fight against that which I dream. I hope beyond all hope that the same dream I have had repeatedly will not haunt me that particular night. I can’t remember the last time I had a restful night of sleep, one void of dreams. All I want is some peace, deep slumber and the absence of all dreams.

My dreams:

My dreams consist of the same characters, the same situation, the same exact setting. Matter of fact, I have created places and things that don’t exist in my dreams that I have found myself having déjà vu over. It has become so exasperating. I awake every morning with the same questions… is it over? Have those words been spoken? I glance quickly at my phone, and then sigh with frustration when I soon realize, it was all a dream. How can a person awake sad, isn’t the day before supposed to be erased? I begin every morning with my past, and somehow throughout the day, my present overrides it. Sometimes my own fear jolts me out of slumber, and then there are those moments when I awake in the middle of the night and my skin burns from touching him. Then reality sets in, and I instantly become angered, for I don’t think of that in my reality, only in my dreams. If realities are just dreams, then am I really mad or upset? If you forgive someone in your dreams, but you hate them when you awake, which one do you really want? Like right now for instance, I am saddened, but angry. Give me some sleep and I will be sad and lonely, I wonder if when we dream our facades are automatically stolen and our life as we don’t know it comes alive. It is something to ponder on.

My reality:

I am standing before the “throne of judgment.” I have spoken every word I have kept secret, and reveal every true feeling. I have persuaded, convinced and explained all motives, every happening. I cry from my frustrations and pull at my hair in desperation, pleading to end this madness. I can see the face of the judge in front of me, for a moment as I look into the judge’s eyes, I am at peace. I touch his hand, my heart stops for a moment, and then begin to beat contentedly, as I close my eyes. He sees all my tears and reaches up and wipes them with his fingertip, saying, “My child, rest easy, all is well.” I feel overwhelmed, someone understands, someone knows my heart, and my true feelings. I cannot hide, nor lie, He knows the path of every tear, and He places His arms around me, and holds me, protecting, shielding. I look at Him, and say, “Why does life bring these situations? It does not make me stronger, it causes doubt. It causes me not to trust, and you know how hurt I have been in the past, but yet hurt meets me again?” Then I hear His gentle words of reproach, reminding me of His subtle warnings. What else can I say? My head lies in His lap, weeping. But I don’t have to say a word, He has seen the tears quickly swept away, can see the heart so broken, and the trust stolen. He says… “Say it is well with my soul.” How can I say that when I want this and I regret that…? “Say it.” But You don’t understand, I can’t live like this anymore, I am alone, desolate… I. I. I. me…. It is well with my soul… Yes, Lord, it is well with my soul, and I know that you will do the healing.

The Right Man

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.

Broken

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

-Margaret Mitchell

Afterwhile...afterwhile

Lately, my life has become a complete roller coaster of emotions and random feelings. When trying to make new decisions that you know will eventually or immediately affect your future and your present time, you find yourself scared sometimes to venture out. There are certain things I need to do, but won't because I am unsure of what it will cause to happen. There are so many words that need to be voiced, but I can't bring myself to send the email. I have wrote the words, re-read it, and tried to decide upon its delivery. But just keep saving it into drafts. My question is, is it worth saying what you want to someone, who will never understand? Can you explain their wrongdoings, if they do no wrong? And can you make them understand the pain they have caused you, enough to hopefully change it? There are times I want to call my old friends up, and tell them all that I have been dying to reveal. Want to share all of my recent events, things that made me laugh, or affected me, yet they are not there. I feel as though I did everything I could have possibly done for them, but I am still treated as though I betrayed them, lied to them, etc. You do so much for certain people, that they begin to take advantage of you and then you turn around, and they have managed to "snuff" the very life out of you. They don't just take your money, your sanity, they attempt to take your dreams, your happiness, as if you didn't give them enough already.

I am still in the early stages of my new relationship status, and it is going well. But as mentioned before, I am now so careful with everything I say, or entrust to him. I want to believe that he will be wonderful, and stay beautiful, but how can I trust him? He has told me that he is "different" and that he would never hurt me, but I heard the last one say that too. I have put back all the walls that I had broke down for the last one, and now I have become so hardened to affection that I am almost completely unaffected by words and actions now. My only hope is that I will soon remember what is like to be truly loved. What it feels like to know that "he" thinks you are the most amazing person ever and that you can have the first good relationship in a while. We are just friends now, the conversation has turned to more, and now he is coming here to see me and we have plans to attend some events together. As said before in my previous blog, sometimes its the "moments" that seem so perfect. You don't care if it is only for one moment, because it is so amazing. And soon, all of this pain will come to end, and my heart will be whole again.

I have recently woke up in the middle of the night, reaching for hands that were never there. Have numerously awakened to find myself, sobbing because I realize that someone I used to love, I no longer love and he is gone. Someone once said, "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." This statement captivated me, spoke to me and relieved me all at the same time! I am too logical for my own good, and so I over-analyze everything. I have officially over-analyzed my last relationship to the point of exasperation. It's those days that I dream about him that are the hardest, but the best thing is, is that I have someone so much better now. This one makes me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and desired, but the funny thing is, is that I don't want him quite yet. Remember I am still throwing up the white flag of surrender and taking it easy. I cannot survive another bad relationship, will not tolerate another good for nothing, and this time around, I will be careful. But my only hope is that my soul mate is waiting for me... it makes all the brokenness begin to heal and what once was in pieces begins to become a whole. Soon I can help someone who needs to know that it won't hurt them afterwhile...

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!! Its official, I am 24 years old today, and I am absolutely loving it! Also apparently its the blogger sites birthday too, kinda weird? Huh? I have had so many phone calls, text messages, cards, roses, a beautiful lunch with a dear friend, went to an interview, got the job, and now, I will have to say that my heart for the first time in weeks is ecstatic! I am so unbelievably happy that I can barely contain it! Eeek!

The past couple of months since I moved from St. Louis to Yakima, Washington has been the hardest time of my life. I have been so confused, irritated, frustrated and alone. I kept asking God if I had misread where I was supposed to go? I could not understand why I could not get a job, could not understand why people I loved so much would desert me, and hence began a road that I hope to begin to look back on. My only hope was that I would soon get a job and my life here would officially begin. My whole life, I have been surrounded by people in every which way, and for the first time, I have actually been by myself. Now note, I have learned a lot about who I am, what I want, and all that, but after a while, you are sick of yourself. I am amazed that I can lie on my bed, listening to music for hours. I feel like I am 12 again! But now, I am given a chance to be myself in the work place again, and I give all the glory to God for making that possible.

I know that life gets discouraging along the way, but I never knew the loneliness that life could bring until now. It has definitely made me appreciate my friends, wherever they all are, and I am so thankful for each and everyone of them! I have been met lately with incredible disappointment, heartache that should not exist, and somehow, I am stronger. I don't understand that, but it is the truth! God had taken me down this road for a reason, maybe it was to teach me a couple of lessons, if so, then I am quite educated by now! This is not a very interesting post, but I am just so excited that I had to write. And besides, it's my birthday!

Just a moment...

It's been a while since I have had a chance or a subject to blog about, but today, I thought why not share with my limited readers an update in my life. Well I went to Youth Congress in Charlotte, NC, and it was amazing. I sang in front of the biggest crowd I have ever sang in front of, 17,000 estimated. Not going to lie, I was a bit nervous, but amazingly on the dvd, I do not seem like it at all. I never go to any such event with the hopes of meeting that special someone as most do. I meet so many people, but am never quite interested in them as far as an extensive relationship would go. Nevertheless, I met him.

Him. The guy every girl dreams of, the one who in an instant sweeps you off your feet. I met him and he immediately asked to get our picture taken, so I wrote him off as one of the young fans that frequently come up to me. The next night, I saw him again, and he told me he wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Which we did, until around daylight. I treated him just as I treated his friends, for I try to be no respecter of person's. It has been over a week, since we met and we have wrote each other more texts in that week, than I did in my entire last relationship. Imagine my surprise at this turn of events.

Well I have not been considering him really, because he is way too beautiful for me. He is the guy that every girl looks at, and would just like to have for at least a day. That kind of guy is not for me, because I will not fight for his attention. But I haven't had to fight at all, for some reason, he thinks of me as above him. Which works, because then I don't have to work too hard. He claims I am his favorite singer, the funniest person he has ever met, and I have heard all those before, but this time I want to believe it. We were texting last night, and he said he was tired and he was going to bed. So I just quit texting him, respecting his sleep. Ten minutes later, I get a text that says, "I can't sleep peacefully, until you tell me good night..." I stared at that text and thought wow. He impressed me at that very moment, something most of my past relationships never did. Wow. Wow is all I can say...

This is good for me, even if it doesn't work out, it is taking my mind off my past for a few weeks, long enough for me not to care anymore. He is not a rebound, because I could not begin to compare perfection to imperfections. Why does he have to be so innocent and so beautiful? He told me a couple nights ago, he wishes he could kiss me, and that the next time we are together we will do so. This gorgeous man is desiring to kiss me, and then he says, "I will have to practice, so I can impress you, because I know you are good." What I have wanted to hear for the past year, I heard in the last week! I invited him to go somewhere with me in the next couple of months, and it might happen, might not. Whatever happens between us, is fine. It might dwindle off here in the next couple of months, I could careless. Because all I know is that today, I feel wanted, beautiful, desirable, and finally, happy for a moment. And just a moment is good enough for me...

Within Reason

Two simple words: Within reason. Those two words are not so simple for my complex mind and personality. I am literally driving myself crazy with my own complexity. I have just started tanning again, and I am going to pretty much burn up my skin, because since I am currently pale, I have to go as long as I possibly am allowed. Instead of just taking baby steps back to my original color, I want it to be obtained immediately. I annoy myself, plus my skin is bright red... nice.

That's not the only thing I am doing without of reason, its like my mind accepts a challenge, but then I end up going past the challenge by like 15 steps, and now I am just tired. I don't have strength for this! I started out exercising 2 miles, now I am at 4, which I do everyday. I will not allow myself even a day off. And I am even considering doing the 4-mile walk 2 times each day next week, which (for all you slow mathematicians) is 8 miles in one day. That would be fine, if I was just walking but this program is intense. See, I can't just take it simple, I have to take it to the most extreme. So now I am doing that plus all these stomach exercises, and I have to tell you, I am sore. Tired and sore. But oh the joy that I am losing this, is amazing!!!

So as you can see, I have not been practicing reason lately. I cannot think of one thing I am doing within reason. I am going overboard on exercising, dieting, staying up too late, tanning, journal-ing, writing my memoirs, and I really need to take a break! I need to remember that it's okay to just slow down, and let life slip by a little slower. I think its that I am frustrated with being here in Washington with hardly any friends, and I am bored out of my mind. That could possibly be the main reason that I am not staying with a healthy, maintained edge of reason.

My new goal this week, until I leave for Youth Congress, is to take it easy. Results will be seen in due time, and going to sleep will rest my weary, little mind, so that I may stay within reason of my decisions to come.

Memory Box

So the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were talking about situations in the past and how I could have changed the outcome or maybe how I overreacted to another. I have a photographic memory, and for some reasons, when I am sad or I feel alone, I conjure up some memories that will bring back a good feeling. I tend to dwell on memories that were picturesque or sentimental, because they usually made a major impact on my life at that time. Memories are beautiful... you can remember the kiss of someone you love, the hug of a close friend, the laughter of an amazing moment. I love to remember... I find such joy in remembering that which has past. But the past memories can also conjure up the hurt that followed it. As soon as your mind drifts to the first kiss, and your heart swells with nostalgia, you are almost instantly reminded of the first rejection as well. It literally crushes and expels the good memory. Same with the laughter between friends, you can distinctly remember the hurtful words displayed, along with remembering the good natured laugh that came soon after in hopes of smoothing over.

Another instance is when you relay a memory in the presence of someone else, and they immediately find the bad in yet another memory and your smile and laughter immediately dies. Sometimes as I am trying to go to sleep, I think of memories of those whom I have loved. Sometimes it makes my heart happy and content and other times memories invade your pleasant night dreams and you awake feeling discontented and full of regret. To be honest, it seems like I grasp for my good memories and cling to them. Cherish them, love and protect them. Always hoping to experience its equivalent again. But my conscience says, No, remember how you felt at this other moment, when you felt so alone and they weren't there. So instead of continuously dwelling on the not-so-memorable memories, you close the memory box, for it is too painful to be open for long. There are the days I open it up and gaze within its beauty and see only its good. Then there are those days that you open it with that intent, but only see the hurt and disappointment of yesterday. This, my dear readers, is how I feel. I need to close my memory box for a while... I am not properly extracting other memories and desires from my life. So to you, my beautiful, yet deadly memories, I will see you in but a moment, when I am stronger and not so susceptible to follow in the paths of yesterday...

Dear Dad:

Dear Dad,
On this Father's Day, this will be the only words spoken to you. You will never read them, and if you did, you would never understand them. I remember as a child you loving me, and hugging me, taking me shopping with you. Then suddenly everything changed, and you began to criticize and ridicule everything I did. From that point on, it was random blasts of temper, borderline abuse, and the absence of love. You would get mad and then come and apologize saying that you loved me, but soon I began to question the extent of your love. As a child, I would write in my little diary, everything that you said or did to hurt me, and even now, as I read back through those, my heart continues to ache. I would pray to God, begging Him to change you, so that we didn't always have to live like this. I would pray for my mother, because she could not live much longer like it was. But God chose to never change you; maybe it was because you chose to not let Him. Thus causing our lives to be hell every second that we spent with you.

You never believed in me... always told me I would never amount to anything. You loved when I sang, but always immediately discredited it, saying that I could not just depend on my own abilities. When I went away to Bible College, you expressed that your indecisiveness about it, but Mom won that battle and away I went. Everytime I came home for the holidays, you and I would fight continuously, as you told me I was wasting my time and my money. You never failed to tell me how you viewed me as a failure for going to Gateway. You told me that you even felt embarrassed when people asked where your daughter was, and you would have to admit that I was away at a Bible College. You said that it made you feel embarrassed and irritated that "your daughter" wasn't doing anything productive with her life. How encouraging to hear that, as I worked strenuously for my tuition, and tried to develop my ministry in God, and as I gained recognition, you just turned your back even farther from me.

Now as an adult, I still feel like a child, desperate for approval, and searching for love. I am scared to trust anyone, because I trusted you, and look what you have become. I run from love, because you always promised that you loved me, and now I am not even sure what love is? You have made me scared to believe, of success, of commitment, and of my chances of ever finding love. But somehow through all of your inconsistencies, I have grasped a strength in myself, which only comes from when people force it out of you. I know exactly what to do as an adult; I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes that you did. I know exactly how to love my future family, because of your inability to love ours. I will always give my family and myself to God, so that my children won't doubt God, because of my insensitivity. I will love them and others with such a passion and fervor, all because of you and your insufficiencies. So on this Father's Day, I want to say that you have made this little girl, become stronger and more dependent on her real Father. My Father, Who will never deny me, always loves me, and always believes in me.

My New Life: Washington

Well I thought it would never happen, but here I am, sitting in Seattle with the mountains surrounding me, and the cool breeze drifting past me. But for some reason, all I can think of is, is the humid mid-west. It's probably because I have lived there for the last 24 years, and just moved extremely far away... hm? It is already so different out here, the traffic was crazy, the city is massive and the people are so special. But I have met some new UPC friends, and wow, I am amazed at how close we got in just a day! Plus I have my new boyfriend, Peyton here... he is amazing! And we went downtown and got pictures together at the Seattle Public Market. To get here from St. Louis, we traveled through Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon and then to Washington. It was seriously amazing... the mountains are unbelievable here in Washington. Some are snow capped and then some are just huge with fir trees. My personal favorite is when you can see the mountain with snow on it and at its base is a beautiful lake. It is seriously breathtaking!

Rachel and I are super excited about meeting all the new people and being as involved as we can in the district and our own church. We are going to a youth rally this weekend, and I was asked to sing, and so I am a little unsure of what to sing... But God has really blessed us already and Rach and I have been doing devotions together trying to establish a friendship grounded in the things that are most important. We have been exploring different areas in the Bible and really focusing on them and also we have been continuously chatting about our generation and the one that is after us. She has a huge burden for the high school students, where I have a burden for women. So we just exchange our burdens and talk about how to fulfill our callings, and it is so nice to actually converse about things that matter. Well thats all I have for now!!! Welcome to my new life in Washington!!!

Forever and Always

I sit here trying to understand, trying to piece back together
A puzzle so confusing, and complex
How could you do this? How are you capable of such hurt?
You denied me; you left me with no shoulder to lean on
You turned away from me, when I was broken
Your promises have turned into lies that drip from your mouth
What was once love is now replaced with maliciousness?
I know not who you are, nor care to find out
For the last time you have taken my insecurities and
Distributed them to whom you desire
I’ve been made a fool, I laugh at my own calamity
I look at the proof of who we once were
And only see the lies of which it was made
For what we attempt to hide can develop a life of its own
It’s a life; I choose not to live any longer
You have not only caused me grief, but
Have prevented anyone else from knowing the real me
I have done myself an injustice, as you walk
Away justifying all that we were to better entertain
Soon you will have disappeared, but are not forgotten
Your grip has wrenched my very soul into a twisted
Character of mistrust and bitterness
I pray that God will hear my desperation for solitude
Grant me the peace and sanity that I am robbed of
If there is another opportunity to love another,
I will only see your face
As I reach out and slowly withdraw from fear, I
Will curse your very existence
When I finally do love again, I will cling to that which
Is right and perfect, not a fight, not a lie
And I will know I found the right man.
No betrayal, no discontent, no struggle
But perfect, just as it always will be.
Forever and always.

Chorale Tour 2007

Officially we have been on chorale tour for a week now; I cannot even begin to tell all the stories that have transpired. All the crazy places we have stayed the night in, the repulsive food that people feed us or the annoyance of certain people on our tour bus. We have experienced God in ways that I had forgotten was possible. I found myself lying prostrate on the ground, humbled and weeping before the Lord. I felt so exhilarated after that particular service, because I realized that I had to be completely broken before Him to effectively minister to the people in the services. I prayed for 3 women that night, and God spoke through me to each of them. I heard myself speaking words of wisdom, encouragement, and blessing, that only God, Himself could actually have known. Afterwards, my heart was overwhelmed with the intensity of our services, and all I could do was close my eyes and thank God for His awesome presence.

So many times in my life, I realize that everything I do is pretty much on a wide screen tv for everyone to see. These people that we meet know who we are before we even get there, they have heard us, seen us, or know someone who knows us. It's crazy!!! After we sing and finish praying, so many people come up to me and shower me with their compliments and sometimes what they say is so genuine. It honestly touches my heart every time someone speaks something to be concerning my ministry. I cannot even begin to express how relieved I feel when someone confirms what I prayed over them or that my testimony somehow related to or touched them. And of course there are the people that compliment us on how well we sing, which is normal, but my favorite is when they act like we are celebrities! Ha! I love it!!! Some people are so absolutely amazing and then others so very special. But this chorale tour so far has been wonderful, and God is really blessing each and every one of us!

Passing the Torch/Hope of Tomorrow

Today marks the last week of my tenure at Gateway, and I awoke this morning with feelings of apprehension and of nostalgia. I laid quietly on my bed, studying my room, full of boxes, clothes, shoes. I looked at my couch that I have had for three years and began to reminisce of all the moments that have taken place on it. No, not what you are thinking!!! Moments of happiness and plopping down on it after a day of recording, or barely making it to my room to fall on my couch and cry my little heart out. Sitting on it with like 10 girls and laughing hysterically into all hours of the night, and praying at it with one particular friend when searching for God's will in our lives.

I gazed around my room with blurred vision caused my pent up tears of what are soon to be good memories. I lived in that particular room for three long years of my life at Gateway and it holds such a special place. Never again will I hear my friends screaming down the hall at 3am, nor will random people come and knock incessantly on my door to tell me something, never will I be able to go out of room and walk next door and be with all the people I cherish so much. These hallways that I dreaded walking down now seem so wonderful, and I walk down it with my mind full of memories that took place. Every classroom, the library, the chapel, things I took for granted, have become deep for me. I look at all these people I have been going to school with, and I realize that I will not be sitting eating lunch, being obnoxious anymore. We are all going to be separated, moving on, and my heart is saddened.

If I leave anything, I want to leave the hope of tomorrow. Sometimes during my tenure here, there were times when I would literally have to hope that tomorrow would be better and that all my problems of today would soon pass. I remember countless times that I would call my mom and cry and be so frustrated and she would say, "Wait til tomorrow, it will be better tomorrow." And for some crazy reason, it usually was! There were so many times that I wanted to leave this place, was upset at people, or was disinterested. But now, now that I am for real leaving, I look back at my calamity and shake my head. God has taken me so much farther than I ever thought I could go, He has called me into ministry that no one even knows of yet, and He has blessed me tremendously in ways that I could never truly explain. The hope of tomorrow rests in His hands.

As I leave, I want to pass on my mantle or the torch of my generation. I want to leave behind the strength that only came from trials along this journey. I leave behind the talent that was derived from true humility. I pass the torch of anointing to someone who has learned the lessons of being a true, devout singer and realizing its not about us, but about Him. I give my ability to be so confident in all that I do, to the point that I have managed to convince most people that I have limited insecurities. (ha) I pass the torch of walking into a room and somehow gaining the attention of almost every single person to someone who feels inadequate in who they are as a person. From being here at Gateway, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, dependence, spiritual lessons, what I want in someone as a soul mate, discovered my true talents, was taught more than I could ever imagine about music, and how to love people unconditionally. I pass this legacy of my life, to whomever wants it. I do not promise that the road will be easy, but I do promise that you will not be alone. We always have the hope of tomorrow and the mantle of those who have gone before us.

Through Every Circumstance, I Will Succeed

With everyday that passes, I become more and more consumed with my future and the paths I am choosing to walk down. I have been on the same road for four years now, and now my life is taking a new direction. I look around me, I remember all my mistakes, all my accomplishments, the great amount of friendships, all of my dreams that have come true, and the new dreams that are still yet to come to pass. With regret, I look at my failed relationships. I take a step back, and sigh with frustration at my decisions of late. Relationship=FAILURE. It was not by choice, the start of it, that is. This relationship was a friendship that involved confusion, wrong choices, supposed ideas, trust issues, mentally and emotionally straining, borderline tragedy, sometimes such a beautiful connection, amazing moments but with the wrong person. So now I am left with hundreds of I-told-you-so's, and the most frustrating sense of under-accomplishment ever known. Instead of investing my time and money on something that will be steadfast, I had to place all of my investments in something that was never there from the beginning.

Through all of this, I have learned... learned life lessons that I did not necessarily care to learn. I discovered that you can love someone and realize that you don't even understand the true meaning of love. I became aware that people can warn you, can prophesy to you, and yet you can still fall for the same mistakes. But through every circumstance that comes my way, through every obstacle, and past every fall off the pedestal, I WILL SUCCEED! I will accomplish all that I dream of; I am the person that I once was, the strong, independent woman full of dreams and expectations. No one can take my dreams from me; there is not one person who can bring my opinion down of myself to the point that I do not remember who I have become. Past all criticism, through each undue comment, I remain steadfast. Steadfast in being exactly who I have created myself to be. What is one of the most important lessons I have learned...? Through every circumstance, I will succeed...

It's Not Laundry Day... Take the Line Down

So you ask, what does your title mean? Oh allow me... sit down, get comfortable, and if you prefer, get a glass of water because this conversation is a dry one. I will begin with stating the fact that my life as of late, has became an upheaval of many different emotions and previous emotional ties. Last week was a strange mix of new emotions, along with some that I care to not experience again. It seemed I was desperate for compassion, consideration, and commitment. And I was met with quite the opposite, and even after my cloudy mind had cleared, I was still met with the inconsistencies. I am very sure that I have never cried that much, never fought to find the good, or struggled to smooth over something that is so turbulent. But something did change, yet it wasn't what I was trying to morph. In the midst of all my adversity and frustration, I changed. Me. For a second, I saw myself the way everyone else does. I saw discontentment, confusion, weakness, stupidity, and most of all, I saw my problem. I realized that sometimes in life, we love people differently than they love us. And no, that does not mean that we want to date someone and they don't want to date us, because that is not the case in this situation at all. Instead, we love people different. We show them our love through different areas. I show how much I love someone by: Emotional ties, physical attention, giving, compassion, patience, always believing and not judging. Is this necessarily all healthy aspects? No. But this is who I am. I am sick of being what people assume I am, people who know of me, and make wrongful assumptions concerning my morale. If you don't like me... too bad. Go away; I don't need your accusations, your criticism, or your approval. I am completely sick of the people who "know" you and have an opinion about you and your relationships. They try to compare you to themselves, but WE are different. My end result will still be determined, you already have yours.

After that moment, I will address laundry day. I cannot express to you readers how absolutely fed up I am of lines of propriety, lines of relationships, lines of friendships, and lines in life. Hence "It's not laundry day... take the line down." This statement came out as I spoke to one of my close girlfriends, and we laughed, but it was so true. People around me, put up all these lines, and when its convenient for them, the lines fall down immediately. Moment over. Lines resurrect and then the blame comes. I am like... really? What am I left with besides a resurrected line, is the feeling of insecurity and frustration. There are lines surrounding my actions and my words, who determines when they are to fall down? Apparently not me. I *pointing finger at chest* am not a hypocrite. What happened to me, is that, they tore down all these lines I had put up for so long, so many walls that surrounded me. Here's the difference. They are still torn down; I didn't build them back up as soon as I was hurt or confused. And even with lines, sometimes we are so good at staying true to them, but our heart desires something else. What I have learned is that what I desire or attempt to hide can develop a life of its own, creating a very confused state of mind. Desire is equivalent to actions in some cases. I have become so protective of myself now, its dangerous. You might think you have me all figured out, and you know what I want and who I am. But um... that just means, watch out, there is something new coming at you. So officially, I am completely through with all the lines, all the useless comparisons and the meaningless emotions. Guess what? It's not laundry day... take the line down!

Wrong From the Beginning

For the last few days, I have wanted to blog, but was unsure of how to begin... sometimes words do not form so easy the words that your heart is speaking. I have been at the far end of happiness and then the complete opposite to the end of complete desolation over the past week or so. I cannot even begin to express how fed up I am with transitions in my life. As soon as I assume I have it into place, people change, and then I have to uproot my comfort zone and start all over again. Note to readers: I am sensitive. Yes, I do have feelings and no I am not always happy concerning others opinions about me and the way that I live my life. There are so many different aspects of the act of a broken heart. You can still be right beside them, so close, and your heart can be breaking in the process. I am tired of massaging life back into my worn out heart... completely devastated by their words and their transitions. All I ask for is stability, and I am just met with insecurities and secretive innocence.

Does our life ever stop for a second so I can catch my breath? I remember being such a strong person and now that I have encountered different new aspects of my life, I am so much weaker than I used to be. I don't remember ever crying this much, ever clutching my hand to my chest, because my heart literally hurts. I feel that I have been searching frantically for something, reaching out in desperate attempts to attain something that was never mine in the beginning. There are some things in life that we try to make happen when we should have never even given it a second thought. Someone who is not really even in direct contact with my life at this present time, called and said, "I feel that you have given your heart to someone who didn't even want it in the first place, and you gave it to someone who was wrong from the very beginning." My life that I had just mended and bandaged up a week before, came crashing down, breaking and crushing me again. Needless to say, I am devastated, and am honestly trying to decipher all that they said to me. I need to piece it together, so that I can pick up all these broken pieces of my heart and figure out what went wrong. That statement has literally crushed me... and I am so confused and so over-evaluating everything, it's ridiculous.

"Wrong from the beginning." How many times have we attempted to make perfect sense of a situation or relationship? How often have we loved and made ourselves love someone? How many more times will we allow our hearts to be broken before we learn the logistics of this nightmare? Our hearts tell such a lie... we have heard our whole lives, follow your heart. I am here to testify to NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! It really will lie to you and lead you down the path of mass destruction. What is the only solution? Listen to the voice of God, He will truly show us His Will for our lives. When we listen to our heart, we lose our focus. We completely forget all that we have wanted for our lives, and we substitute our happiness for this messed up idea of love. I do not want something that is wrong from the beginning anymore, I want something that is in the perfect will of God from the start. I refuse to create an avenue of supposed perfection for someone anymore. Instead I choose, stability and true love, the love I have never found quite yet...

No Strings Attached

Valentine's Day is so cliche... yes I know... everyone around me is so excited about candy, roses, kisses. I stand back with a smirk on my face, not wanting to even be a part of this day. I would rather lay in my bed all day, listening to music, being alone. I am used to being alone, and love the solitude of being by myself. Someone asked me yesterday if I ever am so sick of love because it hurts so bad? But then they went on to say, that yet they could not live without love. It made me realize, that I have been trying to define love as something that everyone else thinks it is... but love in my mind is different. Love is being comfortable, being able to cry, and most of all, being able to lay on the floor and talk without strings attached. With no supposed, cliche idea of what love is. Love is not physical, its not complicated, its shared between true friends. I love so many people... but there is a love that is only for a few, which is something I desire to keep and strive to strengthen it. I love my idea of love... its not a marriage love, its not a dating love. Its a I'm-always-going-to-be-here love. Its steadfast, with cords that are stronger than any other. Its an unspoken word of contentment, and the peace of a simple act. It causes all my trust issues to disappear for a moment, and it causes me to believe in the act of true and devout friendship. Its not something that I can efficiently explain, its just real. I desire realness in my life, in more areas than ever. If you think you can explain it, you are wrong... its unexplainable. Its a mutual agreement between friends that no one can drive apart or attempt to change. Its just us... No strings attached...

Statement of Today

I am trying to remember the time that I slept peacefully. Slept without the worries of tomorrow and the memories of the day gone by. I wake up reaching out for something that will never be there. My dreams are made up of inconsistencies. My dreams are haunted by my fear of the future. I am doing nothing to further my own future because I am so caught up in moments that are barely efficient for today, much less for the next minute. For the past few mornings, I have woken up early, and as soon as I focus for a second, my heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anger. I hate being alone, because as soon as I am alone, I am filled with regret and maliciousness.

Lately, I have found myself surrounding myself with people, more than ever, and acting crazy, in desperate attempts to convince myself that I am truly happy. I have been listening to this old song by Mariah Carey that says, "She smiles through a thousand tears, and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she could never be, she wades in insecurities. And hides herself inside of me." My mind is so cloudy and I desire a night of true rest. I do not want anymore dreams, I do not want anymore memories. My eyes remain dry, but my heart sheds all tears. My hands reach out, yet they are tied with cords of protection. I cast my eyes down, but look over my shoulder at what could have been, what has not been even through all my pretending. My statement for today is: "My heart believed a lie, but now it knows the truth, and it will never trust again."

First Week of Last Semester

This is officially the first week of last semester at Gateway College of Evangelism... what an amazing experience it has been. I can hardly believe I have been here for four years, when I was supposed to stay for one. I cannot believe I have met so many wonderful people, experienced so many extraordinary opportunities, and accomplished my dreams, fulfilling my extreme passion for music. I am so afraid of what is outside of my comfort zone, now that I have only been living this life inside these walls. Its my last time to help with chorale try-outs, with everyone trying to listen at the doors. It was my last time already to help people with their try-outs prior to... and I have loved helping people for these years! I have such a passion for that, and will honestly miss it!

One thing I will not miss, is the senseless drama of Bible College. There are times I cannot even talk to certain friends without my other friends getting upset. I seriously feel that I am in highschool! Since when did the cool people dictate necessarily who else is cool and/or not cool? I can't talk to some people without my other friends getting irritated and drawing their own conclusions. This aspect I most definitely will not miss. I am officially a ringleader of a group of people, who are in retrospect, musicians or singers. That kind of a group is exactly my cup of tea. But that does not mean, that if someone else is not up to par, that I am not their friend. There was a time in my life, when I was no one... not very talented... and just an outsider. Now that I am older, its changed, but there is always a group that you will not mesh well with.

I realize that my group of friends are funny, talented, fashionable, classy/trendy, but I also realize that...we are negative, exclusive, stuck-up, and not as cool as we think we are outside of our own little world. That puts a damper on our confidence! It has taken someone to tell me all of that, to make me realize how shallow I truly can be. I refuse to be known during my last semester, as someone who only hung out with my little clique. I want to be comfortable with everyone... be able to hold a true conversation with every person in this school, talented, in style, or not. I realize my friends are out of control crazy and I respect that, because I am that way as well. I do hate hearing the statement.... "You made us this way..." Gosh! I made some massive mistakes then! Hahhaha! Well anyways for all my friends that read this... I love you and appreciate you... and this is a random day!