Afterwhile...afterwhile

Lately, my life has become a complete roller coaster of emotions and random feelings. When trying to make new decisions that you know will eventually or immediately affect your future and your present time, you find yourself scared sometimes to venture out. There are certain things I need to do, but won't because I am unsure of what it will cause to happen. There are so many words that need to be voiced, but I can't bring myself to send the email. I have wrote the words, re-read it, and tried to decide upon its delivery. But just keep saving it into drafts. My question is, is it worth saying what you want to someone, who will never understand? Can you explain their wrongdoings, if they do no wrong? And can you make them understand the pain they have caused you, enough to hopefully change it? There are times I want to call my old friends up, and tell them all that I have been dying to reveal. Want to share all of my recent events, things that made me laugh, or affected me, yet they are not there. I feel as though I did everything I could have possibly done for them, but I am still treated as though I betrayed them, lied to them, etc. You do so much for certain people, that they begin to take advantage of you and then you turn around, and they have managed to "snuff" the very life out of you. They don't just take your money, your sanity, they attempt to take your dreams, your happiness, as if you didn't give them enough already.

I am still in the early stages of my new relationship status, and it is going well. But as mentioned before, I am now so careful with everything I say, or entrust to him. I want to believe that he will be wonderful, and stay beautiful, but how can I trust him? He has told me that he is "different" and that he would never hurt me, but I heard the last one say that too. I have put back all the walls that I had broke down for the last one, and now I have become so hardened to affection that I am almost completely unaffected by words and actions now. My only hope is that I will soon remember what is like to be truly loved. What it feels like to know that "he" thinks you are the most amazing person ever and that you can have the first good relationship in a while. We are just friends now, the conversation has turned to more, and now he is coming here to see me and we have plans to attend some events together. As said before in my previous blog, sometimes its the "moments" that seem so perfect. You don't care if it is only for one moment, because it is so amazing. And soon, all of this pain will come to end, and my heart will be whole again.

I have recently woke up in the middle of the night, reaching for hands that were never there. Have numerously awakened to find myself, sobbing because I realize that someone I used to love, I no longer love and he is gone. Someone once said, "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." This statement captivated me, spoke to me and relieved me all at the same time! I am too logical for my own good, and so I over-analyze everything. I have officially over-analyzed my last relationship to the point of exasperation. It's those days that I dream about him that are the hardest, but the best thing is, is that I have someone so much better now. This one makes me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and desired, but the funny thing is, is that I don't want him quite yet. Remember I am still throwing up the white flag of surrender and taking it easy. I cannot survive another bad relationship, will not tolerate another good for nothing, and this time around, I will be careful. But my only hope is that my soul mate is waiting for me... it makes all the brokenness begin to heal and what once was in pieces begins to become a whole. Soon I can help someone who needs to know that it won't hurt them afterwhile...