I'm Thankful For...

-the sound of laughter that warms my heart

- the closeness of friends

- the happiness that makes your cheeks hurt from smiling too much

- the sadness of a time gone past

- the memories of previous years

- protection on my family and friends

- the bustle of the holidays

- rosy cheeks in the cold, brisk air

- the proof of existence

- grace and mercy

- pecan pie

- for all the thorns in my life that have helped display the comfort of the Lord

- and for all the roses that give a depiction of new beginnings

- comments from old friends that you still love deeply

- the tears of regret that fall through a smile of success

- Christmas movies

- LOVE

- pumpkin scented candles

- Classic Christmas Music

- the truth that the holidays produce

- my mother

- my friends and family that are with me today

So thankful for everything that has been given to me...

Past=Passed

I am aware that most likely no one will read this, because it has been so long since I've posted, however, I need to write this for me. I have no idea where to begin to pen all the thoughts racing through my mind today. For the last month or so, I have found that my past has really caught up with me, quickly. Moments, situations, relationships from my past have suddenly became a common daily occurrence, and it is really beginning to become a foolish game. I am amazed at how much I have changed in the last year and a half and then on the other hand, I am equally amazed at how much I haven't. People from my past have been miraculously appearing out of no where, flaunting their new lives, yet begging to be a part of mine again. And sometimes I cannot rationalize that these people, who had previously made such an impact in my past, have no future with me now. Either they have so much baggage that they are incapable of having a friendship, or are married and expect me to continue our "relationship" as if nothing has conspired in the last 10 years. I am amazed at the lack of faithfulness and consideration for the people involved in the lives of my past relationships. I am more amazed that people would just "assume" that I would pick up where we left off years ago and continue a forbidden relationship as if I have no conscience whatsoever. I cannot begin to express how done I am with all these past "whatevers" and everything they think they are bringing to the table. I am not interested, I am not second choice or second rate, my mind is not so warped that I would go into the very recesses of a past life for any form of gratification. Period.

Have you ever thought that people underestimate you? That when you are talked about you are considered to be a certain person, and that definition changes in whatever group you are in at the moment. So many people have this unbelievable idea of who I am and what I am about. I am not the same person I was in high school, I am definitely not the same person I was in college. You grow up and grow out of the things that you used to participate freely in, whatever they may be. People who think they can predict my next move in life, or can predict my reaction to a situation, is most certainly mislead. I deal with situations different, because I've learned from each of my thousands of mistakes. The mistakes I made last year, I refuse to make again. The mistakes that I participated in this year, I've already learned from and will be staying far from those. I am not predictable, so I wish people would just stop worrying about my life and the way I lead it.

For all of those, who think they have an idea of my feelings toward certain people and situations, know this, that the people you trust the most are the most untrustworthy people in existence. I have too long let the people who hurt me the most, back into my life, exclusively. However, I have learned that for now, the choice to try to reconcile was absolutely wrong. For far too long, I have excused and attempted to make amends, and now I am labeling it in the past or also know as "passed." I am amazed at the lack of class that some people exude and am even more amazed that at some point, I thought they were worth my time. Word of mouth somehow finds its way back to every person in the most round-a-bout way. And most of the time when it reaches the main subject, just know that the words have been twisted into oblivion. People think they are telling "friends" information, but what they are doing is telling me through another person. Thank you for your consideration of my feelings.

The past truly needs to be passed, and tomorrow I will not feel this way again. I have learned that the past is cluttered with anger and mistakes and we need to somehow get past that. If we dont bury the past, it will greatly affect our future. And then there comes a moment when we simply have to face the challenges in our lives and stop backing down, this is what I am doing. I am letting the past be passed...

Immortal Beloved

Amongst the hurried rush for the women of America to see the Sex and the City movie, something different, outside of the normal, caught my attention. The letters written by Ludwig van Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved." Everywhere people have been asking about those love letters, I am amazed at the simplicity and beauty of the words. They are what I would consider somewhat like wedding vows, but they are letters. I have decided to put my favorite of the three letters on here. Enjoy the beauty and simplicity of written love.

The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7,Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine, ever mine, ever yours

The Music Within Me

I remember when... the music that was in my soul was so loud, it deafened me. It released me from all my worries, it held my head high, comforted all woes, and created a being that was powerful within itself. The music that defined my life, you could stand beside me and hear the soulful refrains of my past, you could hear the pain, feel the joy, experience the life. Music. Music has guided me through life, it has paved roads that are inevitably going to be my future. There is a song for every capital moment, for every overwhelming sense of love, for each tear that fell steadily, there was a song. It was the song that awakened me from sleep, it was that song that kept me from sleep, it is the song that haunted my very thoughts in slumber. The song that defines me. It's the song that no one else can sing quite like me. The one that the "angels wish they could sing," it is personal, deep and mine. When all goes wrong, I sing this song, my fear is that I could possibly lose it. I could lose the music that I constantly hear and the play of my life would not be as interesting without its music.

I remember when I heard the music, and I remember... the day it stopped. It was the deafening silence that startled me, causing me to realize that the music had stopped. Everything seemed perfect and then I realized that the song given to me from birth wasnt playing anymore... my heart was not singing its melody. Darkness. Inevitable sadness and overwhelming fear. I remember closing my eyes against the rapidly approaching pain of discouragement, instead of being encouraged, I was desperate to hear its sweet melodies. Too late. Instead of my song, I heard the mockery, and was forced to listen to the voices that spoke of failure. How could I survive? How can I? I've not only destroyed many good things, I have forcibly pushed away the one thing I could call mine. The one ability to see past the darkness, the one reason to endure the hardships that life consistently brings, the one power that is ever present and encourages me to continue. It was taken advantage of, depended too much upon without any form of gratification, and was then stopped in mid-sentence, mid-life. Desperation. Fear. Uncontrollable sadness.

My song is the continuous anthem of dedication only sung to Him. It is NOT guaranteed, we can jeopardize that song so beautifully given. We can take advantage of something that is not truly ours and we can pretend its mine. But at the end of the day, that fear that it will be taken supercedes your apparent humility and true humility sets in. Its those words you speak only when no one else can hear you. It is the words of a promise that you have so skillfully hidden from the world for fear of rejection. It consists of a passion that exceeds any other goal in life, you can hear the absolute desperation of my soul when I sing my song. You can imagine the pain that life has brought my way, a past full of mistakes, inconsistencies and the hope that everything really will be okay. Why do we jeopardize it? Why do we play games around our anointing, threatening it... tempting it to leave? This is my song, my testimony, and my life... I will not allow myself or anyone else have the power to steal that from me. So when you hear me sing, it is not what you assume. There is no pride, there is no show off status, it is me. Me and the life that I have lived and currently live. It is the depiction of my life, every note, every word, is a simple depiction of a moment in my life, therefore, it is not for your ears to be impressed. My song and my music is for Him and for me... so that I can go on from here...

The Heart of the Matter

After a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, I began to think of a new topic for my blog. I have spoke on this issue in some of the previous blogs, but I would like to expound upon it. I realize that in life we meet people, who make an impression on us, sometimes we have a connection, sometimes it is connection formed after being used to them and their company. You don’t find that connection with a lot of people so when you do, you are very protective of it and will desire it up above any previous and sometimes future relationships. It’s the connection that keeps you awake at night talking to them on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, (for those who do that) and it’s the connection that causes you to miss them even when they don’t want you anymore or they have purposefully hurt you. It’s a connection we long for… it’s that feeling that, for the moment you are with the person who completes you, even if it doesn’t last.

My question to my friend, during our conversation, was "when do we quit loving in just the moment and start loving for real? When we say we will be always be there, is it just for the moment or do we mean forever?" How many people have told you that they loved you, that they would always be there… no matter what? Then you look around, and they are not there, they do not care, & they do not love you…? When did our spoken word become so invaluable and just a commonality? I do not want anyone to tell me they love me, until they mean it with their whole heart. Like the; I love you, I will always be here no matter what kind of love, and really, truly mean it! I have had that connection once with someone… how heartbreaking it was to truly love only to have it made into a mockery of your emotions and of every memory. It’s like spending a significant amount of time with someone to be left with only memories, no words, nothing. How devastating that is…

Now I long for that love that is irreplaceable, not just in the moment, true, intimate, beautiful, exclusive and real. When you say I will always be there, please mean it and always be there. It’s time for us, especially me, to quit loving in the moment, to love with that forever love, to search for that connection, holding onto it and not letting go… Getting to the heart of the matter.

Cleaning Day, Lift Up the Rug

Last year around this time I wrote about “Take the Line Down, Its Not Laundry Day.” However, today, I will write about Cleaning Day. There have been many different situations weighing on mind lately. Over the past year, I have experienced problems, people that have:

a. Caused significant grief
b. Hurt me inexplicably
c. Betrayed with words or actions

We can all testify that each year, we can basically remember a few names to put with the above categories. Some of these hurts and woes are minor and do not weigh heavy on us, but then there are other specific ones that do. In both of these situations, I did what I felt was the best action for me, which would be to cut them off. One group was doing the stalker actions and judging me wrongfully. The other I trusted with my whole heart and they took advantage of that and in the end, hurt me beyond words. I am one to put my wrongs in front of me and try to somehow find a right in it. I like to work out problems and situations, and contrary to popular belief, I am very approachable.

I cannot stand people who are in ministry who gossip about other people, but they never go to that person. I have done my share of that, believe me… but I always, and always go to a person if I have a problem with them. I don’t talk about them to my family and friends, I go to them. Isn’t that supposed to be our Christian service? What it comes down to, is that people who know nothing of me, are judging me, although their own faults are on display. They are a fake to my face and turn around and talk about me even to my closest friends. So I did what I thought was right, I attempted to talk it out. But all I was met with was lies, so that resulted in the cut off stage.

I don’t feel that when I cut someone off per se that they are forever cut off from me, but if I have made an attempt to fix a problem and it is shot down, then it is their responsibility to come to me. I will not give them even more fuel to burn their continuous gossip fires. But when it comes down to the end of the day, we can sweep all of our problems under the rug. I am good at that, I just vent for a day, and then sweep all my troubles underneath my trusty rug. I go on about my life, and have forgotten about all that I have hidden.

My other situation is completely different in its entirety. I experienced hurt like never before this past year. I looked through a book/journal that I wrote my thoughts in over the past year, and I was amazed at the words I had written. In the past year, I have had the best and the worst of times. I experienced consuming love for it to be turned to overwhelming sorrow of losing a friend. There were so many experiences and instances that are forever embedded in my mind and heart. I still feel like my time with this person was limited but there were thousands of memories that took place. Again in this situation, I cut him off. I can’t even imagine having a conversation with the person I used to call my best friend. You can effectively push someone so far out of mind and out of sight that you can literally not imagine sitting across from them again or beside them. Where there was complete comfort is now utter despise-ment. I am most certain it is both ways. It does confuse me though how people can change their feelings so quickly. So this situation including the other group situation, I have swept underneath the rug. This rug is my comfort zone… I hide everything so I don’t have to face it on a daily basis, so that I won’t see its inconsistencies and all the hurt and confusion. But sometimes, situations, words or perhaps an old song will bring those memories to surface and the rug is ripped up and all of a sudden whether you want to or not, it’s cleaning day. You have to address the problems you have so carefully hidden, because they ARE still there and they have NOT been resolved.

I hate cleaning day, I have to put the old clothes of yesterday on, and I have to deal with the problems and pray that tomorrow they can just be swept back under the good ol’ rug to be saved for the next cleaning day. Today is cleaning day for me, I am dealing with the problems I have so adequately hidden. I am saddened, but confident that everything is going to be alright. Today is cleaning day, but tomorrow everything will be absolutely okay. Forever and always.