The Music Within Me

I remember when... the music that was in my soul was so loud, it deafened me. It released me from all my worries, it held my head high, comforted all woes, and created a being that was powerful within itself. The music that defined my life, you could stand beside me and hear the soulful refrains of my past, you could hear the pain, feel the joy, experience the life. Music. Music has guided me through life, it has paved roads that are inevitably going to be my future. There is a song for every capital moment, for every overwhelming sense of love, for each tear that fell steadily, there was a song. It was the song that awakened me from sleep, it was that song that kept me from sleep, it is the song that haunted my very thoughts in slumber. The song that defines me. It's the song that no one else can sing quite like me. The one that the "angels wish they could sing," it is personal, deep and mine. When all goes wrong, I sing this song, my fear is that I could possibly lose it. I could lose the music that I constantly hear and the play of my life would not be as interesting without its music.

I remember when I heard the music, and I remember... the day it stopped. It was the deafening silence that startled me, causing me to realize that the music had stopped. Everything seemed perfect and then I realized that the song given to me from birth wasnt playing anymore... my heart was not singing its melody. Darkness. Inevitable sadness and overwhelming fear. I remember closing my eyes against the rapidly approaching pain of discouragement, instead of being encouraged, I was desperate to hear its sweet melodies. Too late. Instead of my song, I heard the mockery, and was forced to listen to the voices that spoke of failure. How could I survive? How can I? I've not only destroyed many good things, I have forcibly pushed away the one thing I could call mine. The one ability to see past the darkness, the one reason to endure the hardships that life consistently brings, the one power that is ever present and encourages me to continue. It was taken advantage of, depended too much upon without any form of gratification, and was then stopped in mid-sentence, mid-life. Desperation. Fear. Uncontrollable sadness.

My song is the continuous anthem of dedication only sung to Him. It is NOT guaranteed, we can jeopardize that song so beautifully given. We can take advantage of something that is not truly ours and we can pretend its mine. But at the end of the day, that fear that it will be taken supercedes your apparent humility and true humility sets in. Its those words you speak only when no one else can hear you. It is the words of a promise that you have so skillfully hidden from the world for fear of rejection. It consists of a passion that exceeds any other goal in life, you can hear the absolute desperation of my soul when I sing my song. You can imagine the pain that life has brought my way, a past full of mistakes, inconsistencies and the hope that everything really will be okay. Why do we jeopardize it? Why do we play games around our anointing, threatening it... tempting it to leave? This is my song, my testimony, and my life... I will not allow myself or anyone else have the power to steal that from me. So when you hear me sing, it is not what you assume. There is no pride, there is no show off status, it is me. Me and the life that I have lived and currently live. It is the depiction of my life, every note, every word, is a simple depiction of a moment in my life, therefore, it is not for your ears to be impressed. My song and my music is for Him and for me... so that I can go on from here...