I Am the Official Procrastinator

So officially I am the official procrastinator... I have done ZERO Christmas shopping... and tomorrow Rach and I are going to many different places, that includes the Galleria, West County.. etc. I don't know why I just do not attempt to shop prior to the last 3 possible shopping days. I don't know what it is about Christmas this year. I have not listened to Christmas music, have not participated in hardly any festivities, and I feel quite empty. Because in 5 days, Christmas will have come and gone, and I have crammed the most amazingly important holiday into 3 days. I am not even going home until Saturday now... and my little 7 year old brother is so excited! He does not understand I despise coming home, and it's not because of him. Quite the contrary.

It seems like every year, I rush through Christmas and the day after, I feel so incomplete. So if for some reason, I seem that I have been disinterested or not-so-happy, I apologize. I am so selfish, and cannot seem to focus on anything but myself and my own day to day problems. I have so many plans for the next few months. I am preparing for my huge move to Washington and my mind is past Christmas. Past the fact that Jesus sacrificed himself for me. Past the miracle of the birth of a child to a virgin. And even past the joy and love with my family. Wow... what a nostalgic mood! Good thing is, tomorrow I am going Christmas shopping. Listening to Christmas music. Get a pix with Santa. Go tanning. Get a pedicure. And enjoy myself, instead of burdening myself with the complexities of the next day.

Note to self: Enjoy the holidays. Don't rush through it all, sit down, watch your family...watch the joy that comes from above. Gaze absentmindedly into the Christmas tree; it is magical. Make a mess in the kitchen making homemade cookies. Hug your family members, even more than you would want to, like it is the last time. Sit back and enjoy their love, bask in the comfort of family and most importantly, stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving for all is well...

Confused

I am so confused today... finals are officially over. But I am still up at four am and I am so sleepy but my sleep patterns are so off. Not only that I have been performing in an ongoing battle with two different groups of friends. Well except one group is all against one person. In essence, all these people are against this one person that I continue to associate with, against my better judgment and future peace and happiness. I have come to the realization that I have seriously been presenting myself as a fool. I have made some exceptions for some people and have purposefully made excuses for them, hoping and believing that they would prove true in the end. And what has happened you ask?

Well let me explain... now the cause that I put all my faith in, has done exactly what I warned myself against. I opened up every door to my soul, broke down all the walls I had carefully built in order to protect me. It seems like that before they got to know me, they would ask people about me, questioning my character, my life decisions. So then began the process of trying to get to know me. They would strive diligently to capture my attention and all of it. Once they gained that position, things began to change. Now they don't want to be around me, now they take advantage of what they once envied.

I cannot deal with this... ugh. I am seriously so confused right now. Everyone is saying for me to end this, to not participate in the madness. Me, the queen of dryness and cuts, cannot do what I have taught and shown so many people to do. The followers cannot believe this... they question my abilities and my true feelings. I question myself. Why do I continue to live this life full of worry, regret, and coaxing. This is not me. I need to remember that I am a strong, powerful woman. That who I am, was not formed overnight, but has been a life process that was not given to me, but earned. I can't make any more excuses for you. I cannot continue to block out all the negativity. Its not control you desire, but instead you are using me for your own pleasure, to gain positions and titles. You are on your own. I have not a place for you anymore.

If

*If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, just let me fall. If you're going to stay, stay forever. If you want to leave, do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk to me, mean what you say*

Worldly Dreams/Spiritual Reality

Lately is seems that a main focal point in my life, concerns my dreams, the ones that I had many years ago, yet it seems that I have escaped or simply ignored them. It's not that we do not believe that they will come to pass, instead it is the simple fact that we forget and replace it with our realities of today. My dreams for my life are so complex and I have realized that I have been settling for less. I want to be in ministry as I am now, but I also want to fulfil my other dreams that I have pushed aside for the last four years.

My music director spoke on dreams the other day in class, and some of the points he made were very efficient. I do not want to forget the dreams, the visions that God has given me. I do not want to settle for less and continue to live a life that is normal. I want to live above reproach, I want to be successful in the spiritual and physical world. Today's Pentecostal society has so many "called servants" and yet there are just a handful of actual successful people. A huge majority are preachers, preacher's wives, working low-end jobs, Bible college students. But there is more to life than that! What happened to Pentecostal doctors, nurse practitioners, lawyers, CEO's, ...? There is more to our callings, than living a life separate from the world. Preachers and their wives are wonderful and some are called specifically to that, but for those who aren't and use it as a crutch for lazy ministry is not acceptable.

My dream was to be exactly who I am right now, as far as voice and music goes. I am completely satisfied with that aspect. But I feel so unaccomplished because a long time ago, God called me to yet another avenue. He called me to the medical field... But the amazing thing is, is that I can use what I gained at Gateway for four years and transition into a medical degree. At that point, I will have accomplished success in both worlds! I do not want to be just another singer, who went to Bible College, who is working at an $11.00/hr job for the rest of my life. Its not all about money, but it is about success in a way. Not that I think I am better than anyone else, but I do not want to be stereotyped as the typical Pentecostal. Ugh.

This blog could be controversial, but I am okay with that option as well. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and this is mine on the dreams of yesterday, the hopes of tomorrow and the redundancy of our movement.

The Love of a Father

For as long as I can remember, I have always been afraid of love. Afraid of the consequences of my own actions and the absence of trust in my heart. Every girl desires to be in love, longs for someone to want them and strives to give all they are to one person. Sounds like an easy process. Nevertheless, what happens is, we (women) have trust issues and the opposite sex fights their way into our protected hearts...only to do that which we are most scared of. Its like you finally allow someone to become a part of your secrets, your humor, and your dreams, for them to neglect you.

I am so absolutely through with this process of trusting, becoming hurt, forgiving, attempting to trust again, only to be hurt over and over. That is why women today are labeled as weak individuals, when really its the fact that men have some sort of obsession with easing our guards down, just to see us break and then blame us for our vulneriblity. Of course, we are vulnerable. We are human beings, in search of the perfect friend, the love of our lives. Unfortunately, what we find is the absence of all couth, the extraordinary ability to bring unbelievable pain and this amazing way of making it our fault.

When this come downs to the point, my problem with the whole "fall in love and life will be perfect motif" is the fact that I have watched my parents for 23 years, only to see the complete absence of love. I have been raised by a man, who never really loved me. Never believed in me, always told me I would never amount to anything. As a young child/adult, I remember my life being filled with so much regret, hopes of getting out and fear for my younger siblings. I feel that I almost did not make it through it. I would cry out to God at night and beg for Him to change my dad, for him to make the life I lived, not be so bad. He never did. I left for college and now my dad is the same way to my younger sister. How long will this last?

Hatred has become a regularity. Sometimes I will awake in the night, crying...why you ask? I don't know... I awake feeling so lost and alone. I cannot allow myself to love anyone for fear they will end up being like him. I am incapable of having children for fear that I will attain this generational curse from my father. I crave the love that is only given from a Father... my father will never love me, never care and never be proud of me. But my Father, my Real One... He has given love when I am so alone... He has comforted me, when I could not see my way out of situations. Its the Love of the Father that provides a life for us to live when we do not want to live anymore... thank You, Lord for the love that You show me...thank You, for Your Favor, although I will never deserve it

Taking Over Me

"Taking Over Me"

You don't remember me, but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
and dream I do...

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Have you forgotten all I know
and all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me

I look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
So many things inside that are just like you, are taking over

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Taking over me
You're taking over me
Taking over me
Taking over me

The Beginning

How nostalgic it is to begin a new obsession with yet another mindless internet fiasco. Its these blogs, the first few ones, that you go back and read. And as you read you reminisce, remembering where you wrote it, the position of life, the attitude upon writing it. Never has there been a better time than today to begin this. I guess, reluctantly, I will have to spill the news to my friends, who then will begin to frequent my most innermost thoughts. Sigh.

How life progresses, and how fast in which it allows meaningless issues to be so deep to me. This week has been the absolute week from hell. So many different emotions: Confusion, anger, unbelievable hurt, regret, pain, extreme laughing to replace the threat of tears, movies that confuse me, a look that struck my heart, words said that were said with such brokeneness, insecurity, alone, overwhelmed, obsessed, bored with my life, and finally, broken before God, whom I realize is my only Hope.

Sometimes I appease myself into believing, I am oh so strong. And then a misfit will grasp my entire world and shake it, until I am, but a mere piece of my strength. I never cry, unless I am so desperately alone or in my mood of nostalgia, but this week.... the Great Christina became the shell of herself. I have not cried that hard since someone ripped my complete heart out of my chest with their bare hands. It seems like that for so long, I have been in futile attempts to reconstruct my broken heart. Trying to piece back together, all that has been stolen from me.

My past catches up with me, at least every other day. It haunts me, taunting me, begging for my return. I cry out to God from deep within my soul, asking for strength that I know only comes from Him. At night, my mind is obsessed with individuals, or situations to where I wake up unrested and clouded. I fear rejection; I despise those who come at me with their mocking attempts at being my friend. I remember feeling so inadequate when I was younger, and now as I am older, I have developed my talents, my abilities, my personality and I am happy with all of those issues. But the feelings of inadequacy still haunt me, chasing away my peaceful slumber with the pressing thoughts of tomorrow and my incapabilities. Some people see me as someone who would have hidden insecurities, no, instead I will show you my insecurity (just one) if you are at all close to me. I do not fear the revealing of innermost, but I do fear that you will take advantage of it. Like so many others...

The act of meeting new people is so redundant for me, now that I have been at Bible College for four years... I have met so many people, too many people know who I am... I feel like I cant hide. If I stumble, they will be right there to question my fall. I try to choose my friends wisely, but lately, have realized that I have become too transparent and way too emotional. So many walls surround my heart, and then there are those random people I decide to take a chance on, against what others say: only to find myself listening to "I told you so" and the feeling of the wrong choice weighing upon me, yet again. Why when someone bares their soul to you, do you continue your games and prey upon them? When someone opens their heart to me, I feel such a kindred spirit with them. I desire to know them better, to laugh and to cry about our memories, our pasts. Instead, I am once again faced with the darkened position of vulneribility. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. If there is anything I hate it is to be vulnerable... I am not vulnerable now, I am looking back at my weakness and stand in awe. Not again, never again. No more power do they have.