The Beginning

How nostalgic it is to begin a new obsession with yet another mindless internet fiasco. Its these blogs, the first few ones, that you go back and read. And as you read you reminisce, remembering where you wrote it, the position of life, the attitude upon writing it. Never has there been a better time than today to begin this. I guess, reluctantly, I will have to spill the news to my friends, who then will begin to frequent my most innermost thoughts. Sigh.

How life progresses, and how fast in which it allows meaningless issues to be so deep to me. This week has been the absolute week from hell. So many different emotions: Confusion, anger, unbelievable hurt, regret, pain, extreme laughing to replace the threat of tears, movies that confuse me, a look that struck my heart, words said that were said with such brokeneness, insecurity, alone, overwhelmed, obsessed, bored with my life, and finally, broken before God, whom I realize is my only Hope.

Sometimes I appease myself into believing, I am oh so strong. And then a misfit will grasp my entire world and shake it, until I am, but a mere piece of my strength. I never cry, unless I am so desperately alone or in my mood of nostalgia, but this week.... the Great Christina became the shell of herself. I have not cried that hard since someone ripped my complete heart out of my chest with their bare hands. It seems like that for so long, I have been in futile attempts to reconstruct my broken heart. Trying to piece back together, all that has been stolen from me.

My past catches up with me, at least every other day. It haunts me, taunting me, begging for my return. I cry out to God from deep within my soul, asking for strength that I know only comes from Him. At night, my mind is obsessed with individuals, or situations to where I wake up unrested and clouded. I fear rejection; I despise those who come at me with their mocking attempts at being my friend. I remember feeling so inadequate when I was younger, and now as I am older, I have developed my talents, my abilities, my personality and I am happy with all of those issues. But the feelings of inadequacy still haunt me, chasing away my peaceful slumber with the pressing thoughts of tomorrow and my incapabilities. Some people see me as someone who would have hidden insecurities, no, instead I will show you my insecurity (just one) if you are at all close to me. I do not fear the revealing of innermost, but I do fear that you will take advantage of it. Like so many others...

The act of meeting new people is so redundant for me, now that I have been at Bible College for four years... I have met so many people, too many people know who I am... I feel like I cant hide. If I stumble, they will be right there to question my fall. I try to choose my friends wisely, but lately, have realized that I have become too transparent and way too emotional. So many walls surround my heart, and then there are those random people I decide to take a chance on, against what others say: only to find myself listening to "I told you so" and the feeling of the wrong choice weighing upon me, yet again. Why when someone bares their soul to you, do you continue your games and prey upon them? When someone opens their heart to me, I feel such a kindred spirit with them. I desire to know them better, to laugh and to cry about our memories, our pasts. Instead, I am once again faced with the darkened position of vulneribility. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. If there is anything I hate it is to be vulnerable... I am not vulnerable now, I am looking back at my weakness and stand in awe. Not again, never again. No more power do they have.