The Love of a Father

For as long as I can remember, I have always been afraid of love. Afraid of the consequences of my own actions and the absence of trust in my heart. Every girl desires to be in love, longs for someone to want them and strives to give all they are to one person. Sounds like an easy process. Nevertheless, what happens is, we (women) have trust issues and the opposite sex fights their way into our protected hearts...only to do that which we are most scared of. Its like you finally allow someone to become a part of your secrets, your humor, and your dreams, for them to neglect you.

I am so absolutely through with this process of trusting, becoming hurt, forgiving, attempting to trust again, only to be hurt over and over. That is why women today are labeled as weak individuals, when really its the fact that men have some sort of obsession with easing our guards down, just to see us break and then blame us for our vulneriblity. Of course, we are vulnerable. We are human beings, in search of the perfect friend, the love of our lives. Unfortunately, what we find is the absence of all couth, the extraordinary ability to bring unbelievable pain and this amazing way of making it our fault.

When this come downs to the point, my problem with the whole "fall in love and life will be perfect motif" is the fact that I have watched my parents for 23 years, only to see the complete absence of love. I have been raised by a man, who never really loved me. Never believed in me, always told me I would never amount to anything. As a young child/adult, I remember my life being filled with so much regret, hopes of getting out and fear for my younger siblings. I feel that I almost did not make it through it. I would cry out to God at night and beg for Him to change my dad, for him to make the life I lived, not be so bad. He never did. I left for college and now my dad is the same way to my younger sister. How long will this last?

Hatred has become a regularity. Sometimes I will awake in the night, crying...why you ask? I don't know... I awake feeling so lost and alone. I cannot allow myself to love anyone for fear they will end up being like him. I am incapable of having children for fear that I will attain this generational curse from my father. I crave the love that is only given from a Father... my father will never love me, never care and never be proud of me. But my Father, my Real One... He has given love when I am so alone... He has comforted me, when I could not see my way out of situations. Its the Love of the Father that provides a life for us to live when we do not want to live anymore... thank You, Lord for the love that You show me...thank You, for Your Favor, although I will never deserve it