The Right Man

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.