Within Reason

Two simple words: Within reason. Those two words are not so simple for my complex mind and personality. I am literally driving myself crazy with my own complexity. I have just started tanning again, and I am going to pretty much burn up my skin, because since I am currently pale, I have to go as long as I possibly am allowed. Instead of just taking baby steps back to my original color, I want it to be obtained immediately. I annoy myself, plus my skin is bright red... nice.

That's not the only thing I am doing without of reason, its like my mind accepts a challenge, but then I end up going past the challenge by like 15 steps, and now I am just tired. I don't have strength for this! I started out exercising 2 miles, now I am at 4, which I do everyday. I will not allow myself even a day off. And I am even considering doing the 4-mile walk 2 times each day next week, which (for all you slow mathematicians) is 8 miles in one day. That would be fine, if I was just walking but this program is intense. See, I can't just take it simple, I have to take it to the most extreme. So now I am doing that plus all these stomach exercises, and I have to tell you, I am sore. Tired and sore. But oh the joy that I am losing this, is amazing!!!

So as you can see, I have not been practicing reason lately. I cannot think of one thing I am doing within reason. I am going overboard on exercising, dieting, staying up too late, tanning, journal-ing, writing my memoirs, and I really need to take a break! I need to remember that it's okay to just slow down, and let life slip by a little slower. I think its that I am frustrated with being here in Washington with hardly any friends, and I am bored out of my mind. That could possibly be the main reason that I am not staying with a healthy, maintained edge of reason.

My new goal this week, until I leave for Youth Congress, is to take it easy. Results will be seen in due time, and going to sleep will rest my weary, little mind, so that I may stay within reason of my decisions to come.

Memory Box

So the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were talking about situations in the past and how I could have changed the outcome or maybe how I overreacted to another. I have a photographic memory, and for some reasons, when I am sad or I feel alone, I conjure up some memories that will bring back a good feeling. I tend to dwell on memories that were picturesque or sentimental, because they usually made a major impact on my life at that time. Memories are beautiful... you can remember the kiss of someone you love, the hug of a close friend, the laughter of an amazing moment. I love to remember... I find such joy in remembering that which has past. But the past memories can also conjure up the hurt that followed it. As soon as your mind drifts to the first kiss, and your heart swells with nostalgia, you are almost instantly reminded of the first rejection as well. It literally crushes and expels the good memory. Same with the laughter between friends, you can distinctly remember the hurtful words displayed, along with remembering the good natured laugh that came soon after in hopes of smoothing over.

Another instance is when you relay a memory in the presence of someone else, and they immediately find the bad in yet another memory and your smile and laughter immediately dies. Sometimes as I am trying to go to sleep, I think of memories of those whom I have loved. Sometimes it makes my heart happy and content and other times memories invade your pleasant night dreams and you awake feeling discontented and full of regret. To be honest, it seems like I grasp for my good memories and cling to them. Cherish them, love and protect them. Always hoping to experience its equivalent again. But my conscience says, No, remember how you felt at this other moment, when you felt so alone and they weren't there. So instead of continuously dwelling on the not-so-memorable memories, you close the memory box, for it is too painful to be open for long. There are the days I open it up and gaze within its beauty and see only its good. Then there are those days that you open it with that intent, but only see the hurt and disappointment of yesterday. This, my dear readers, is how I feel. I need to close my memory box for a while... I am not properly extracting other memories and desires from my life. So to you, my beautiful, yet deadly memories, I will see you in but a moment, when I am stronger and not so susceptible to follow in the paths of yesterday...