Wrong From the Beginning

For the last few days, I have wanted to blog, but was unsure of how to begin... sometimes words do not form so easy the words that your heart is speaking. I have been at the far end of happiness and then the complete opposite to the end of complete desolation over the past week or so. I cannot even begin to express how fed up I am with transitions in my life. As soon as I assume I have it into place, people change, and then I have to uproot my comfort zone and start all over again. Note to readers: I am sensitive. Yes, I do have feelings and no I am not always happy concerning others opinions about me and the way that I live my life. There are so many different aspects of the act of a broken heart. You can still be right beside them, so close, and your heart can be breaking in the process. I am tired of massaging life back into my worn out heart... completely devastated by their words and their transitions. All I ask for is stability, and I am just met with insecurities and secretive innocence.

Does our life ever stop for a second so I can catch my breath? I remember being such a strong person and now that I have encountered different new aspects of my life, I am so much weaker than I used to be. I don't remember ever crying this much, ever clutching my hand to my chest, because my heart literally hurts. I feel that I have been searching frantically for something, reaching out in desperate attempts to attain something that was never mine in the beginning. There are some things in life that we try to make happen when we should have never even given it a second thought. Someone who is not really even in direct contact with my life at this present time, called and said, "I feel that you have given your heart to someone who didn't even want it in the first place, and you gave it to someone who was wrong from the very beginning." My life that I had just mended and bandaged up a week before, came crashing down, breaking and crushing me again. Needless to say, I am devastated, and am honestly trying to decipher all that they said to me. I need to piece it together, so that I can pick up all these broken pieces of my heart and figure out what went wrong. That statement has literally crushed me... and I am so confused and so over-evaluating everything, it's ridiculous.

"Wrong from the beginning." How many times have we attempted to make perfect sense of a situation or relationship? How often have we loved and made ourselves love someone? How many more times will we allow our hearts to be broken before we learn the logistics of this nightmare? Our hearts tell such a lie... we have heard our whole lives, follow your heart. I am here to testify to NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! It really will lie to you and lead you down the path of mass destruction. What is the only solution? Listen to the voice of God, He will truly show us His Will for our lives. When we listen to our heart, we lose our focus. We completely forget all that we have wanted for our lives, and we substitute our happiness for this messed up idea of love. I do not want something that is wrong from the beginning anymore, I want something that is in the perfect will of God from the start. I refuse to create an avenue of supposed perfection for someone anymore. Instead I choose, stability and true love, the love I have never found quite yet...