I am trying to remember the time that I slept peacefully. Slept without the worries of tomorrow and the memories of the day gone by. I wake up reaching out for something that will never be there. My dreams are made up of inconsistencies. My dreams are haunted by my fear of the future. I am doing nothing to further my own future because I am so caught up in moments that are barely efficient for today, much less for the next minute. For the past few mornings, I have woken up early, and as soon as I focus for a second, my heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anger. I hate being alone, because as soon as I am alone, I am filled with regret and maliciousness.
Lately, I have found myself surrounding myself with people, more than ever, and acting crazy, in desperate attempts to convince myself that I am truly happy. I have been listening to this old song by Mariah Carey that says, "She smiles through a thousand tears, and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she could never be, she wades in insecurities. And hides herself inside of me." My mind is so cloudy and I desire a night of true rest. I do not want anymore dreams, I do not want anymore memories. My eyes remain dry, but my heart sheds all tears. My hands reach out, yet they are tied with cords of protection. I cast my eyes down, but look over my shoulder at what could have been, what has not been even through all my pretending. My statement for today is: "My heart believed a lie, but now it knows the truth, and it will never trust again."
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My heart believed a lie, but now it knows the truth and it will never trust again...wow, harsh words. Consider exactly what you are saying. Your heart believed a lie--maybe that lie was something petty and miniscule or maybe that lie was the very foundation of your life. Regardless, you have found the truth and now you wander with a gaping hole in your heart. The false truth has been ripped out, and that emptyness is now spewing blood and and propelling what is left deep into shock and seizure. But there is no truth to fill the void. You can't find a bandage thick enough to absorb the escaping life. And all you are left with are soiled hands and a lifeless heart. A heart that can never trust again. Or can it? What if there was a truth that you could be absolutely certain was truth? What if there was something that before you even trusted in it, had already proved itself to you? What if? What if? I think there is. I really think there is a Truth that is willing to fill the void in your life. There is a Truth that has experienced a Father's rejection. A Truth that was left with nothing, but now has the ability to fill a heart with something. To fill a heart with love, with companionship, with dreams once again.
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