I Am the Official Procrastinator

So officially I am the official procrastinator... I have done ZERO Christmas shopping... and tomorrow Rach and I are going to many different places, that includes the Galleria, West County.. etc. I don't know why I just do not attempt to shop prior to the last 3 possible shopping days. I don't know what it is about Christmas this year. I have not listened to Christmas music, have not participated in hardly any festivities, and I feel quite empty. Because in 5 days, Christmas will have come and gone, and I have crammed the most amazingly important holiday into 3 days. I am not even going home until Saturday now... and my little 7 year old brother is so excited! He does not understand I despise coming home, and it's not because of him. Quite the contrary.

It seems like every year, I rush through Christmas and the day after, I feel so incomplete. So if for some reason, I seem that I have been disinterested or not-so-happy, I apologize. I am so selfish, and cannot seem to focus on anything but myself and my own day to day problems. I have so many plans for the next few months. I am preparing for my huge move to Washington and my mind is past Christmas. Past the fact that Jesus sacrificed himself for me. Past the miracle of the birth of a child to a virgin. And even past the joy and love with my family. Wow... what a nostalgic mood! Good thing is, tomorrow I am going Christmas shopping. Listening to Christmas music. Get a pix with Santa. Go tanning. Get a pedicure. And enjoy myself, instead of burdening myself with the complexities of the next day.

Note to self: Enjoy the holidays. Don't rush through it all, sit down, watch your family...watch the joy that comes from above. Gaze absentmindedly into the Christmas tree; it is magical. Make a mess in the kitchen making homemade cookies. Hug your family members, even more than you would want to, like it is the last time. Sit back and enjoy their love, bask in the comfort of family and most importantly, stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving for all is well...

Confused

I am so confused today... finals are officially over. But I am still up at four am and I am so sleepy but my sleep patterns are so off. Not only that I have been performing in an ongoing battle with two different groups of friends. Well except one group is all against one person. In essence, all these people are against this one person that I continue to associate with, against my better judgment and future peace and happiness. I have come to the realization that I have seriously been presenting myself as a fool. I have made some exceptions for some people and have purposefully made excuses for them, hoping and believing that they would prove true in the end. And what has happened you ask?

Well let me explain... now the cause that I put all my faith in, has done exactly what I warned myself against. I opened up every door to my soul, broke down all the walls I had carefully built in order to protect me. It seems like that before they got to know me, they would ask people about me, questioning my character, my life decisions. So then began the process of trying to get to know me. They would strive diligently to capture my attention and all of it. Once they gained that position, things began to change. Now they don't want to be around me, now they take advantage of what they once envied.

I cannot deal with this... ugh. I am seriously so confused right now. Everyone is saying for me to end this, to not participate in the madness. Me, the queen of dryness and cuts, cannot do what I have taught and shown so many people to do. The followers cannot believe this... they question my abilities and my true feelings. I question myself. Why do I continue to live this life full of worry, regret, and coaxing. This is not me. I need to remember that I am a strong, powerful woman. That who I am, was not formed overnight, but has been a life process that was not given to me, but earned. I can't make any more excuses for you. I cannot continue to block out all the negativity. Its not control you desire, but instead you are using me for your own pleasure, to gain positions and titles. You are on your own. I have not a place for you anymore.

If

*If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, just let me fall. If you're going to stay, stay forever. If you want to leave, do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk to me, mean what you say*