Immortal Beloved

Amongst the hurried rush for the women of America to see the Sex and the City movie, something different, outside of the normal, caught my attention. The letters written by Ludwig van Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved." Everywhere people have been asking about those love letters, I am amazed at the simplicity and beauty of the words. They are what I would consider somewhat like wedding vows, but they are letters. I have decided to put my favorite of the three letters on here. Enjoy the beauty and simplicity of written love.

The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7,Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine, ever mine, ever yours

The Music Within Me

I remember when... the music that was in my soul was so loud, it deafened me. It released me from all my worries, it held my head high, comforted all woes, and created a being that was powerful within itself. The music that defined my life, you could stand beside me and hear the soulful refrains of my past, you could hear the pain, feel the joy, experience the life. Music. Music has guided me through life, it has paved roads that are inevitably going to be my future. There is a song for every capital moment, for every overwhelming sense of love, for each tear that fell steadily, there was a song. It was the song that awakened me from sleep, it was that song that kept me from sleep, it is the song that haunted my very thoughts in slumber. The song that defines me. It's the song that no one else can sing quite like me. The one that the "angels wish they could sing," it is personal, deep and mine. When all goes wrong, I sing this song, my fear is that I could possibly lose it. I could lose the music that I constantly hear and the play of my life would not be as interesting without its music.

I remember when I heard the music, and I remember... the day it stopped. It was the deafening silence that startled me, causing me to realize that the music had stopped. Everything seemed perfect and then I realized that the song given to me from birth wasnt playing anymore... my heart was not singing its melody. Darkness. Inevitable sadness and overwhelming fear. I remember closing my eyes against the rapidly approaching pain of discouragement, instead of being encouraged, I was desperate to hear its sweet melodies. Too late. Instead of my song, I heard the mockery, and was forced to listen to the voices that spoke of failure. How could I survive? How can I? I've not only destroyed many good things, I have forcibly pushed away the one thing I could call mine. The one ability to see past the darkness, the one reason to endure the hardships that life consistently brings, the one power that is ever present and encourages me to continue. It was taken advantage of, depended too much upon without any form of gratification, and was then stopped in mid-sentence, mid-life. Desperation. Fear. Uncontrollable sadness.

My song is the continuous anthem of dedication only sung to Him. It is NOT guaranteed, we can jeopardize that song so beautifully given. We can take advantage of something that is not truly ours and we can pretend its mine. But at the end of the day, that fear that it will be taken supercedes your apparent humility and true humility sets in. Its those words you speak only when no one else can hear you. It is the words of a promise that you have so skillfully hidden from the world for fear of rejection. It consists of a passion that exceeds any other goal in life, you can hear the absolute desperation of my soul when I sing my song. You can imagine the pain that life has brought my way, a past full of mistakes, inconsistencies and the hope that everything really will be okay. Why do we jeopardize it? Why do we play games around our anointing, threatening it... tempting it to leave? This is my song, my testimony, and my life... I will not allow myself or anyone else have the power to steal that from me. So when you hear me sing, it is not what you assume. There is no pride, there is no show off status, it is me. Me and the life that I have lived and currently live. It is the depiction of my life, every note, every word, is a simple depiction of a moment in my life, therefore, it is not for your ears to be impressed. My song and my music is for Him and for me... so that I can go on from here...

The Heart of the Matter

After a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, I began to think of a new topic for my blog. I have spoke on this issue in some of the previous blogs, but I would like to expound upon it. I realize that in life we meet people, who make an impression on us, sometimes we have a connection, sometimes it is connection formed after being used to them and their company. You don’t find that connection with a lot of people so when you do, you are very protective of it and will desire it up above any previous and sometimes future relationships. It’s the connection that keeps you awake at night talking to them on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, (for those who do that) and it’s the connection that causes you to miss them even when they don’t want you anymore or they have purposefully hurt you. It’s a connection we long for… it’s that feeling that, for the moment you are with the person who completes you, even if it doesn’t last.

My question to my friend, during our conversation, was "when do we quit loving in just the moment and start loving for real? When we say we will be always be there, is it just for the moment or do we mean forever?" How many people have told you that they loved you, that they would always be there… no matter what? Then you look around, and they are not there, they do not care, & they do not love you…? When did our spoken word become so invaluable and just a commonality? I do not want anyone to tell me they love me, until they mean it with their whole heart. Like the; I love you, I will always be here no matter what kind of love, and really, truly mean it! I have had that connection once with someone… how heartbreaking it was to truly love only to have it made into a mockery of your emotions and of every memory. It’s like spending a significant amount of time with someone to be left with only memories, no words, nothing. How devastating that is…

Now I long for that love that is irreplaceable, not just in the moment, true, intimate, beautiful, exclusive and real. When you say I will always be there, please mean it and always be there. It’s time for us, especially me, to quit loving in the moment, to love with that forever love, to search for that connection, holding onto it and not letting go… Getting to the heart of the matter.

Cleaning Day, Lift Up the Rug

Last year around this time I wrote about “Take the Line Down, Its Not Laundry Day.” However, today, I will write about Cleaning Day. There have been many different situations weighing on mind lately. Over the past year, I have experienced problems, people that have:

a. Caused significant grief
b. Hurt me inexplicably
c. Betrayed with words or actions

We can all testify that each year, we can basically remember a few names to put with the above categories. Some of these hurts and woes are minor and do not weigh heavy on us, but then there are other specific ones that do. In both of these situations, I did what I felt was the best action for me, which would be to cut them off. One group was doing the stalker actions and judging me wrongfully. The other I trusted with my whole heart and they took advantage of that and in the end, hurt me beyond words. I am one to put my wrongs in front of me and try to somehow find a right in it. I like to work out problems and situations, and contrary to popular belief, I am very approachable.

I cannot stand people who are in ministry who gossip about other people, but they never go to that person. I have done my share of that, believe me… but I always, and always go to a person if I have a problem with them. I don’t talk about them to my family and friends, I go to them. Isn’t that supposed to be our Christian service? What it comes down to, is that people who know nothing of me, are judging me, although their own faults are on display. They are a fake to my face and turn around and talk about me even to my closest friends. So I did what I thought was right, I attempted to talk it out. But all I was met with was lies, so that resulted in the cut off stage.

I don’t feel that when I cut someone off per se that they are forever cut off from me, but if I have made an attempt to fix a problem and it is shot down, then it is their responsibility to come to me. I will not give them even more fuel to burn their continuous gossip fires. But when it comes down to the end of the day, we can sweep all of our problems under the rug. I am good at that, I just vent for a day, and then sweep all my troubles underneath my trusty rug. I go on about my life, and have forgotten about all that I have hidden.

My other situation is completely different in its entirety. I experienced hurt like never before this past year. I looked through a book/journal that I wrote my thoughts in over the past year, and I was amazed at the words I had written. In the past year, I have had the best and the worst of times. I experienced consuming love for it to be turned to overwhelming sorrow of losing a friend. There were so many experiences and instances that are forever embedded in my mind and heart. I still feel like my time with this person was limited but there were thousands of memories that took place. Again in this situation, I cut him off. I can’t even imagine having a conversation with the person I used to call my best friend. You can effectively push someone so far out of mind and out of sight that you can literally not imagine sitting across from them again or beside them. Where there was complete comfort is now utter despise-ment. I am most certain it is both ways. It does confuse me though how people can change their feelings so quickly. So this situation including the other group situation, I have swept underneath the rug. This rug is my comfort zone… I hide everything so I don’t have to face it on a daily basis, so that I won’t see its inconsistencies and all the hurt and confusion. But sometimes, situations, words or perhaps an old song will bring those memories to surface and the rug is ripped up and all of a sudden whether you want to or not, it’s cleaning day. You have to address the problems you have so carefully hidden, because they ARE still there and they have NOT been resolved.

I hate cleaning day, I have to put the old clothes of yesterday on, and I have to deal with the problems and pray that tomorrow they can just be swept back under the good ol’ rug to be saved for the next cleaning day. Today is cleaning day for me, I am dealing with the problems I have so adequately hidden. I am saddened, but confident that everything is going to be alright. Today is cleaning day, but tomorrow everything will be absolutely okay. Forever and always.

The Ex-Files

Previously in one of my blog entries, I spoke on a married ex and his whole new relationship with me, and so I would like to update that first of all, and then I would like to talk about another ex. This entire entry will be focused completely on the "ex-files."
As discussed previously, I have an ex who is now married, but he has been calling me at work, leaving messages on myspace, and I am trying to avoid him. I know how important it is for me to let this ex and his new wife have a smooth life, and that is why I have been avoiding him. Everytime we talk or he calls my work, we only talk about us and what we once shared. His new thing is, that he would like to make me feel guilty, which happens even without his help. Finally, the other day I just told him that for a while we need to just not talk and go back to how it used to be. Why all of a sudden does he think he can call me and make amends? He wrote me an email that said, "You are Carrie from Sex and the City and I am Big." I was stunned... 2 min later, he calls my work phone. I informed him that Carrie and Big end up getting together, although Big was married to someone else. I then continued to explain that that would not happen to/for us. Trouble always seeks me out, seriously...?

If all that is not enough, I found out another ex has moved back to St. Louis from a northern state. I have not seen this particular ex in about 4 years, and he and I have spoken off and on. We have had some conversations about our relationship and what went wrong, but nothing has ever occurred and although he has spoke of going out on a date, we knew that would not happen since he lived too far away. In August, we talked and I have never spoken to him since because he was such a jerk to me that day on the phone. When I heard he moved to St. Louis, I freaked out, because I realize that I will be frequenting that area, plus considering moving back. I definitely do not want him to call me, much less live in the same area as me. Well two days later, I am online and he instant messages me, apologizing for his last conversation. We end up talking for 2 hours or so, and now he is super excited about me coming to St. Louis here in a few months. He wants to go out on dates, spend quality time with me, and I am already done. I was done with that relationship four years ago, when he walked out of my life.

What happens when a relationship goes bad, is that there is always a silent time. You don't speak, you don't really ask about them, it's the cut-off stage. People say their name and you just go on with life as if you had never heard that particular name before. Then comes the day, when they just call you up, pretend like everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I can't help but remember how both of these guys used me four years ago, how they are attempting to use me now. They don't even know me now, they are just assuming nothing has changed in the last 4 years, but everything has changed. Everything. I have more self-respect this time around, I have a better relationship with myself, and I expect more out of life than someone's leftovers. Who I once was, I no longer am. These two guys made a huge impact on my love life years ago, but they do not get a second chance to get close to me.

What if life was not full of second chances? Maybe we would not take the first chance of hurting someone, maybe we would be careful of their feelings, maybe, just maybe I would be happy now. Apparently I have a radar for those who want to just use someone, discard of them when they choose, and then act as if nothing was ever wrong. And apparently, I am a walking target for guys who choose to like me, but want to hide everything we share, and lie about it to their wives, best friends, etc. And it seems like a routine for me to "date" someone only to have our entire relationship be placed into oblivion, and when they feel like it they call years later to reconcile. No thank you... This time around I am not trying to add an extra name to the ex-files. I don't open those files, pull them out and go over the information within them. I don't look for an emergency contact number, and when I am lonely or bored, call them. Next time I am in a ex-file area, I will be sure to have my guard up to prevent myself from awkward situations and unnecessary conversations. And most importantly, I will be very careful to let those files stay private, it's better that way... avoid, cut off, forget and move on... what a fun journey this has been through the ex-files.

Dreams & Reality

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current dreams and present reality. There have been certain times in my life that when I do not allow myself to answer my own questions of reality, my dreams quote the answers. It seems as if I nightly fight against that which I dream. I hope beyond all hope that the same dream I have had repeatedly will not haunt me that particular night. I can’t remember the last time I had a restful night of sleep, one void of dreams. All I want is some peace, deep slumber and the absence of all dreams.

My dreams:

My dreams consist of the same characters, the same situation, the same exact setting. Matter of fact, I have created places and things that don’t exist in my dreams that I have found myself having déjà vu over. It has become so exasperating. I awake every morning with the same questions… is it over? Have those words been spoken? I glance quickly at my phone, and then sigh with frustration when I soon realize, it was all a dream. How can a person awake sad, isn’t the day before supposed to be erased? I begin every morning with my past, and somehow throughout the day, my present overrides it. Sometimes my own fear jolts me out of slumber, and then there are those moments when I awake in the middle of the night and my skin burns from touching him. Then reality sets in, and I instantly become angered, for I don’t think of that in my reality, only in my dreams. If realities are just dreams, then am I really mad or upset? If you forgive someone in your dreams, but you hate them when you awake, which one do you really want? Like right now for instance, I am saddened, but angry. Give me some sleep and I will be sad and lonely, I wonder if when we dream our facades are automatically stolen and our life as we don’t know it comes alive. It is something to ponder on.

My reality:

I am standing before the “throne of judgment.” I have spoken every word I have kept secret, and reveal every true feeling. I have persuaded, convinced and explained all motives, every happening. I cry from my frustrations and pull at my hair in desperation, pleading to end this madness. I can see the face of the judge in front of me, for a moment as I look into the judge’s eyes, I am at peace. I touch his hand, my heart stops for a moment, and then begin to beat contentedly, as I close my eyes. He sees all my tears and reaches up and wipes them with his fingertip, saying, “My child, rest easy, all is well.” I feel overwhelmed, someone understands, someone knows my heart, and my true feelings. I cannot hide, nor lie, He knows the path of every tear, and He places His arms around me, and holds me, protecting, shielding. I look at Him, and say, “Why does life bring these situations? It does not make me stronger, it causes doubt. It causes me not to trust, and you know how hurt I have been in the past, but yet hurt meets me again?” Then I hear His gentle words of reproach, reminding me of His subtle warnings. What else can I say? My head lies in His lap, weeping. But I don’t have to say a word, He has seen the tears quickly swept away, can see the heart so broken, and the trust stolen. He says… “Say it is well with my soul.” How can I say that when I want this and I regret that…? “Say it.” But You don’t understand, I can’t live like this anymore, I am alone, desolate… I. I. I. me…. It is well with my soul… Yes, Lord, it is well with my soul, and I know that you will do the healing.

The Right Man

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.