The Ex-Files

Previously in one of my blog entries, I spoke on a married ex and his whole new relationship with me, and so I would like to update that first of all, and then I would like to talk about another ex. This entire entry will be focused completely on the "ex-files."
As discussed previously, I have an ex who is now married, but he has been calling me at work, leaving messages on myspace, and I am trying to avoid him. I know how important it is for me to let this ex and his new wife have a smooth life, and that is why I have been avoiding him. Everytime we talk or he calls my work, we only talk about us and what we once shared. His new thing is, that he would like to make me feel guilty, which happens even without his help. Finally, the other day I just told him that for a while we need to just not talk and go back to how it used to be. Why all of a sudden does he think he can call me and make amends? He wrote me an email that said, "You are Carrie from Sex and the City and I am Big." I was stunned... 2 min later, he calls my work phone. I informed him that Carrie and Big end up getting together, although Big was married to someone else. I then continued to explain that that would not happen to/for us. Trouble always seeks me out, seriously...?

If all that is not enough, I found out another ex has moved back to St. Louis from a northern state. I have not seen this particular ex in about 4 years, and he and I have spoken off and on. We have had some conversations about our relationship and what went wrong, but nothing has ever occurred and although he has spoke of going out on a date, we knew that would not happen since he lived too far away. In August, we talked and I have never spoken to him since because he was such a jerk to me that day on the phone. When I heard he moved to St. Louis, I freaked out, because I realize that I will be frequenting that area, plus considering moving back. I definitely do not want him to call me, much less live in the same area as me. Well two days later, I am online and he instant messages me, apologizing for his last conversation. We end up talking for 2 hours or so, and now he is super excited about me coming to St. Louis here in a few months. He wants to go out on dates, spend quality time with me, and I am already done. I was done with that relationship four years ago, when he walked out of my life.

What happens when a relationship goes bad, is that there is always a silent time. You don't speak, you don't really ask about them, it's the cut-off stage. People say their name and you just go on with life as if you had never heard that particular name before. Then comes the day, when they just call you up, pretend like everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I can't help but remember how both of these guys used me four years ago, how they are attempting to use me now. They don't even know me now, they are just assuming nothing has changed in the last 4 years, but everything has changed. Everything. I have more self-respect this time around, I have a better relationship with myself, and I expect more out of life than someone's leftovers. Who I once was, I no longer am. These two guys made a huge impact on my love life years ago, but they do not get a second chance to get close to me.

What if life was not full of second chances? Maybe we would not take the first chance of hurting someone, maybe we would be careful of their feelings, maybe, just maybe I would be happy now. Apparently I have a radar for those who want to just use someone, discard of them when they choose, and then act as if nothing was ever wrong. And apparently, I am a walking target for guys who choose to like me, but want to hide everything we share, and lie about it to their wives, best friends, etc. And it seems like a routine for me to "date" someone only to have our entire relationship be placed into oblivion, and when they feel like it they call years later to reconcile. No thank you... This time around I am not trying to add an extra name to the ex-files. I don't open those files, pull them out and go over the information within them. I don't look for an emergency contact number, and when I am lonely or bored, call them. Next time I am in a ex-file area, I will be sure to have my guard up to prevent myself from awkward situations and unnecessary conversations. And most importantly, I will be very careful to let those files stay private, it's better that way... avoid, cut off, forget and move on... what a fun journey this has been through the ex-files.

Dreams & Reality

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current dreams and present reality. There have been certain times in my life that when I do not allow myself to answer my own questions of reality, my dreams quote the answers. It seems as if I nightly fight against that which I dream. I hope beyond all hope that the same dream I have had repeatedly will not haunt me that particular night. I can’t remember the last time I had a restful night of sleep, one void of dreams. All I want is some peace, deep slumber and the absence of all dreams.

My dreams:

My dreams consist of the same characters, the same situation, the same exact setting. Matter of fact, I have created places and things that don’t exist in my dreams that I have found myself having déjà vu over. It has become so exasperating. I awake every morning with the same questions… is it over? Have those words been spoken? I glance quickly at my phone, and then sigh with frustration when I soon realize, it was all a dream. How can a person awake sad, isn’t the day before supposed to be erased? I begin every morning with my past, and somehow throughout the day, my present overrides it. Sometimes my own fear jolts me out of slumber, and then there are those moments when I awake in the middle of the night and my skin burns from touching him. Then reality sets in, and I instantly become angered, for I don’t think of that in my reality, only in my dreams. If realities are just dreams, then am I really mad or upset? If you forgive someone in your dreams, but you hate them when you awake, which one do you really want? Like right now for instance, I am saddened, but angry. Give me some sleep and I will be sad and lonely, I wonder if when we dream our facades are automatically stolen and our life as we don’t know it comes alive. It is something to ponder on.

My reality:

I am standing before the “throne of judgment.” I have spoken every word I have kept secret, and reveal every true feeling. I have persuaded, convinced and explained all motives, every happening. I cry from my frustrations and pull at my hair in desperation, pleading to end this madness. I can see the face of the judge in front of me, for a moment as I look into the judge’s eyes, I am at peace. I touch his hand, my heart stops for a moment, and then begin to beat contentedly, as I close my eyes. He sees all my tears and reaches up and wipes them with his fingertip, saying, “My child, rest easy, all is well.” I feel overwhelmed, someone understands, someone knows my heart, and my true feelings. I cannot hide, nor lie, He knows the path of every tear, and He places His arms around me, and holds me, protecting, shielding. I look at Him, and say, “Why does life bring these situations? It does not make me stronger, it causes doubt. It causes me not to trust, and you know how hurt I have been in the past, but yet hurt meets me again?” Then I hear His gentle words of reproach, reminding me of His subtle warnings. What else can I say? My head lies in His lap, weeping. But I don’t have to say a word, He has seen the tears quickly swept away, can see the heart so broken, and the trust stolen. He says… “Say it is well with my soul.” How can I say that when I want this and I regret that…? “Say it.” But You don’t understand, I can’t live like this anymore, I am alone, desolate… I. I. I. me…. It is well with my soul… Yes, Lord, it is well with my soul, and I know that you will do the healing.

The Right Man

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.

Broken

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

-Margaret Mitchell

Afterwhile...afterwhile

Lately, my life has become a complete roller coaster of emotions and random feelings. When trying to make new decisions that you know will eventually or immediately affect your future and your present time, you find yourself scared sometimes to venture out. There are certain things I need to do, but won't because I am unsure of what it will cause to happen. There are so many words that need to be voiced, but I can't bring myself to send the email. I have wrote the words, re-read it, and tried to decide upon its delivery. But just keep saving it into drafts. My question is, is it worth saying what you want to someone, who will never understand? Can you explain their wrongdoings, if they do no wrong? And can you make them understand the pain they have caused you, enough to hopefully change it? There are times I want to call my old friends up, and tell them all that I have been dying to reveal. Want to share all of my recent events, things that made me laugh, or affected me, yet they are not there. I feel as though I did everything I could have possibly done for them, but I am still treated as though I betrayed them, lied to them, etc. You do so much for certain people, that they begin to take advantage of you and then you turn around, and they have managed to "snuff" the very life out of you. They don't just take your money, your sanity, they attempt to take your dreams, your happiness, as if you didn't give them enough already.

I am still in the early stages of my new relationship status, and it is going well. But as mentioned before, I am now so careful with everything I say, or entrust to him. I want to believe that he will be wonderful, and stay beautiful, but how can I trust him? He has told me that he is "different" and that he would never hurt me, but I heard the last one say that too. I have put back all the walls that I had broke down for the last one, and now I have become so hardened to affection that I am almost completely unaffected by words and actions now. My only hope is that I will soon remember what is like to be truly loved. What it feels like to know that "he" thinks you are the most amazing person ever and that you can have the first good relationship in a while. We are just friends now, the conversation has turned to more, and now he is coming here to see me and we have plans to attend some events together. As said before in my previous blog, sometimes its the "moments" that seem so perfect. You don't care if it is only for one moment, because it is so amazing. And soon, all of this pain will come to end, and my heart will be whole again.

I have recently woke up in the middle of the night, reaching for hands that were never there. Have numerously awakened to find myself, sobbing because I realize that someone I used to love, I no longer love and he is gone. Someone once said, "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." This statement captivated me, spoke to me and relieved me all at the same time! I am too logical for my own good, and so I over-analyze everything. I have officially over-analyzed my last relationship to the point of exasperation. It's those days that I dream about him that are the hardest, but the best thing is, is that I have someone so much better now. This one makes me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and desired, but the funny thing is, is that I don't want him quite yet. Remember I am still throwing up the white flag of surrender and taking it easy. I cannot survive another bad relationship, will not tolerate another good for nothing, and this time around, I will be careful. But my only hope is that my soul mate is waiting for me... it makes all the brokenness begin to heal and what once was in pieces begins to become a whole. Soon I can help someone who needs to know that it won't hurt them afterwhile...

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!! Its official, I am 24 years old today, and I am absolutely loving it! Also apparently its the blogger sites birthday too, kinda weird? Huh? I have had so many phone calls, text messages, cards, roses, a beautiful lunch with a dear friend, went to an interview, got the job, and now, I will have to say that my heart for the first time in weeks is ecstatic! I am so unbelievably happy that I can barely contain it! Eeek!

The past couple of months since I moved from St. Louis to Yakima, Washington has been the hardest time of my life. I have been so confused, irritated, frustrated and alone. I kept asking God if I had misread where I was supposed to go? I could not understand why I could not get a job, could not understand why people I loved so much would desert me, and hence began a road that I hope to begin to look back on. My only hope was that I would soon get a job and my life here would officially begin. My whole life, I have been surrounded by people in every which way, and for the first time, I have actually been by myself. Now note, I have learned a lot about who I am, what I want, and all that, but after a while, you are sick of yourself. I am amazed that I can lie on my bed, listening to music for hours. I feel like I am 12 again! But now, I am given a chance to be myself in the work place again, and I give all the glory to God for making that possible.

I know that life gets discouraging along the way, but I never knew the loneliness that life could bring until now. It has definitely made me appreciate my friends, wherever they all are, and I am so thankful for each and everyone of them! I have been met lately with incredible disappointment, heartache that should not exist, and somehow, I am stronger. I don't understand that, but it is the truth! God had taken me down this road for a reason, maybe it was to teach me a couple of lessons, if so, then I am quite educated by now! This is not a very interesting post, but I am just so excited that I had to write. And besides, it's my birthday!

Just a moment...

It's been a while since I have had a chance or a subject to blog about, but today, I thought why not share with my limited readers an update in my life. Well I went to Youth Congress in Charlotte, NC, and it was amazing. I sang in front of the biggest crowd I have ever sang in front of, 17,000 estimated. Not going to lie, I was a bit nervous, but amazingly on the dvd, I do not seem like it at all. I never go to any such event with the hopes of meeting that special someone as most do. I meet so many people, but am never quite interested in them as far as an extensive relationship would go. Nevertheless, I met him.

Him. The guy every girl dreams of, the one who in an instant sweeps you off your feet. I met him and he immediately asked to get our picture taken, so I wrote him off as one of the young fans that frequently come up to me. The next night, I saw him again, and he told me he wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Which we did, until around daylight. I treated him just as I treated his friends, for I try to be no respecter of person's. It has been over a week, since we met and we have wrote each other more texts in that week, than I did in my entire last relationship. Imagine my surprise at this turn of events.

Well I have not been considering him really, because he is way too beautiful for me. He is the guy that every girl looks at, and would just like to have for at least a day. That kind of guy is not for me, because I will not fight for his attention. But I haven't had to fight at all, for some reason, he thinks of me as above him. Which works, because then I don't have to work too hard. He claims I am his favorite singer, the funniest person he has ever met, and I have heard all those before, but this time I want to believe it. We were texting last night, and he said he was tired and he was going to bed. So I just quit texting him, respecting his sleep. Ten minutes later, I get a text that says, "I can't sleep peacefully, until you tell me good night..." I stared at that text and thought wow. He impressed me at that very moment, something most of my past relationships never did. Wow. Wow is all I can say...

This is good for me, even if it doesn't work out, it is taking my mind off my past for a few weeks, long enough for me not to care anymore. He is not a rebound, because I could not begin to compare perfection to imperfections. Why does he have to be so innocent and so beautiful? He told me a couple nights ago, he wishes he could kiss me, and that the next time we are together we will do so. This gorgeous man is desiring to kiss me, and then he says, "I will have to practice, so I can impress you, because I know you are good." What I have wanted to hear for the past year, I heard in the last week! I invited him to go somewhere with me in the next couple of months, and it might happen, might not. Whatever happens between us, is fine. It might dwindle off here in the next couple of months, I could careless. Because all I know is that today, I feel wanted, beautiful, desirable, and finally, happy for a moment. And just a moment is good enough for me...