It's Not Laundry Day... Take the Line Down

So you ask, what does your title mean? Oh allow me... sit down, get comfortable, and if you prefer, get a glass of water because this conversation is a dry one. I will begin with stating the fact that my life as of late, has became an upheaval of many different emotions and previous emotional ties. Last week was a strange mix of new emotions, along with some that I care to not experience again. It seemed I was desperate for compassion, consideration, and commitment. And I was met with quite the opposite, and even after my cloudy mind had cleared, I was still met with the inconsistencies. I am very sure that I have never cried that much, never fought to find the good, or struggled to smooth over something that is so turbulent. But something did change, yet it wasn't what I was trying to morph. In the midst of all my adversity and frustration, I changed. Me. For a second, I saw myself the way everyone else does. I saw discontentment, confusion, weakness, stupidity, and most of all, I saw my problem. I realized that sometimes in life, we love people differently than they love us. And no, that does not mean that we want to date someone and they don't want to date us, because that is not the case in this situation at all. Instead, we love people different. We show them our love through different areas. I show how much I love someone by: Emotional ties, physical attention, giving, compassion, patience, always believing and not judging. Is this necessarily all healthy aspects? No. But this is who I am. I am sick of being what people assume I am, people who know of me, and make wrongful assumptions concerning my morale. If you don't like me... too bad. Go away; I don't need your accusations, your criticism, or your approval. I am completely sick of the people who "know" you and have an opinion about you and your relationships. They try to compare you to themselves, but WE are different. My end result will still be determined, you already have yours.

After that moment, I will address laundry day. I cannot express to you readers how absolutely fed up I am of lines of propriety, lines of relationships, lines of friendships, and lines in life. Hence "It's not laundry day... take the line down." This statement came out as I spoke to one of my close girlfriends, and we laughed, but it was so true. People around me, put up all these lines, and when its convenient for them, the lines fall down immediately. Moment over. Lines resurrect and then the blame comes. I am like... really? What am I left with besides a resurrected line, is the feeling of insecurity and frustration. There are lines surrounding my actions and my words, who determines when they are to fall down? Apparently not me. I *pointing finger at chest* am not a hypocrite. What happened to me, is that, they tore down all these lines I had put up for so long, so many walls that surrounded me. Here's the difference. They are still torn down; I didn't build them back up as soon as I was hurt or confused. And even with lines, sometimes we are so good at staying true to them, but our heart desires something else. What I have learned is that what I desire or attempt to hide can develop a life of its own, creating a very confused state of mind. Desire is equivalent to actions in some cases. I have become so protective of myself now, its dangerous. You might think you have me all figured out, and you know what I want and who I am. But um... that just means, watch out, there is something new coming at you. So officially, I am completely through with all the lines, all the useless comparisons and the meaningless emotions. Guess what? It's not laundry day... take the line down!

Wrong From the Beginning

For the last few days, I have wanted to blog, but was unsure of how to begin... sometimes words do not form so easy the words that your heart is speaking. I have been at the far end of happiness and then the complete opposite to the end of complete desolation over the past week or so. I cannot even begin to express how fed up I am with transitions in my life. As soon as I assume I have it into place, people change, and then I have to uproot my comfort zone and start all over again. Note to readers: I am sensitive. Yes, I do have feelings and no I am not always happy concerning others opinions about me and the way that I live my life. There are so many different aspects of the act of a broken heart. You can still be right beside them, so close, and your heart can be breaking in the process. I am tired of massaging life back into my worn out heart... completely devastated by their words and their transitions. All I ask for is stability, and I am just met with insecurities and secretive innocence.

Does our life ever stop for a second so I can catch my breath? I remember being such a strong person and now that I have encountered different new aspects of my life, I am so much weaker than I used to be. I don't remember ever crying this much, ever clutching my hand to my chest, because my heart literally hurts. I feel that I have been searching frantically for something, reaching out in desperate attempts to attain something that was never mine in the beginning. There are some things in life that we try to make happen when we should have never even given it a second thought. Someone who is not really even in direct contact with my life at this present time, called and said, "I feel that you have given your heart to someone who didn't even want it in the first place, and you gave it to someone who was wrong from the very beginning." My life that I had just mended and bandaged up a week before, came crashing down, breaking and crushing me again. Needless to say, I am devastated, and am honestly trying to decipher all that they said to me. I need to piece it together, so that I can pick up all these broken pieces of my heart and figure out what went wrong. That statement has literally crushed me... and I am so confused and so over-evaluating everything, it's ridiculous.

"Wrong from the beginning." How many times have we attempted to make perfect sense of a situation or relationship? How often have we loved and made ourselves love someone? How many more times will we allow our hearts to be broken before we learn the logistics of this nightmare? Our hearts tell such a lie... we have heard our whole lives, follow your heart. I am here to testify to NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! It really will lie to you and lead you down the path of mass destruction. What is the only solution? Listen to the voice of God, He will truly show us His Will for our lives. When we listen to our heart, we lose our focus. We completely forget all that we have wanted for our lives, and we substitute our happiness for this messed up idea of love. I do not want something that is wrong from the beginning anymore, I want something that is in the perfect will of God from the start. I refuse to create an avenue of supposed perfection for someone anymore. Instead I choose, stability and true love, the love I have never found quite yet...

No Strings Attached

Valentine's Day is so cliche... yes I know... everyone around me is so excited about candy, roses, kisses. I stand back with a smirk on my face, not wanting to even be a part of this day. I would rather lay in my bed all day, listening to music, being alone. I am used to being alone, and love the solitude of being by myself. Someone asked me yesterday if I ever am so sick of love because it hurts so bad? But then they went on to say, that yet they could not live without love. It made me realize, that I have been trying to define love as something that everyone else thinks it is... but love in my mind is different. Love is being comfortable, being able to cry, and most of all, being able to lay on the floor and talk without strings attached. With no supposed, cliche idea of what love is. Love is not physical, its not complicated, its shared between true friends. I love so many people... but there is a love that is only for a few, which is something I desire to keep and strive to strengthen it. I love my idea of love... its not a marriage love, its not a dating love. Its a I'm-always-going-to-be-here love. Its steadfast, with cords that are stronger than any other. Its an unspoken word of contentment, and the peace of a simple act. It causes all my trust issues to disappear for a moment, and it causes me to believe in the act of true and devout friendship. Its not something that I can efficiently explain, its just real. I desire realness in my life, in more areas than ever. If you think you can explain it, you are wrong... its unexplainable. Its a mutual agreement between friends that no one can drive apart or attempt to change. Its just us... No strings attached...

Statement of Today

I am trying to remember the time that I slept peacefully. Slept without the worries of tomorrow and the memories of the day gone by. I wake up reaching out for something that will never be there. My dreams are made up of inconsistencies. My dreams are haunted by my fear of the future. I am doing nothing to further my own future because I am so caught up in moments that are barely efficient for today, much less for the next minute. For the past few mornings, I have woken up early, and as soon as I focus for a second, my heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anger. I hate being alone, because as soon as I am alone, I am filled with regret and maliciousness.

Lately, I have found myself surrounding myself with people, more than ever, and acting crazy, in desperate attempts to convince myself that I am truly happy. I have been listening to this old song by Mariah Carey that says, "She smiles through a thousand tears, and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she could never be, she wades in insecurities. And hides herself inside of me." My mind is so cloudy and I desire a night of true rest. I do not want anymore dreams, I do not want anymore memories. My eyes remain dry, but my heart sheds all tears. My hands reach out, yet they are tied with cords of protection. I cast my eyes down, but look over my shoulder at what could have been, what has not been even through all my pretending. My statement for today is: "My heart believed a lie, but now it knows the truth, and it will never trust again."

First Week of Last Semester

This is officially the first week of last semester at Gateway College of Evangelism... what an amazing experience it has been. I can hardly believe I have been here for four years, when I was supposed to stay for one. I cannot believe I have met so many wonderful people, experienced so many extraordinary opportunities, and accomplished my dreams, fulfilling my extreme passion for music. I am so afraid of what is outside of my comfort zone, now that I have only been living this life inside these walls. Its my last time to help with chorale try-outs, with everyone trying to listen at the doors. It was my last time already to help people with their try-outs prior to... and I have loved helping people for these years! I have such a passion for that, and will honestly miss it!

One thing I will not miss, is the senseless drama of Bible College. There are times I cannot even talk to certain friends without my other friends getting upset. I seriously feel that I am in highschool! Since when did the cool people dictate necessarily who else is cool and/or not cool? I can't talk to some people without my other friends getting irritated and drawing their own conclusions. This aspect I most definitely will not miss. I am officially a ringleader of a group of people, who are in retrospect, musicians or singers. That kind of a group is exactly my cup of tea. But that does not mean, that if someone else is not up to par, that I am not their friend. There was a time in my life, when I was no one... not very talented... and just an outsider. Now that I am older, its changed, but there is always a group that you will not mesh well with.

I realize that my group of friends are funny, talented, fashionable, classy/trendy, but I also realize that...we are negative, exclusive, stuck-up, and not as cool as we think we are outside of our own little world. That puts a damper on our confidence! It has taken someone to tell me all of that, to make me realize how shallow I truly can be. I refuse to be known during my last semester, as someone who only hung out with my little clique. I want to be comfortable with everyone... be able to hold a true conversation with every person in this school, talented, in style, or not. I realize my friends are out of control crazy and I respect that, because I am that way as well. I do hate hearing the statement.... "You made us this way..." Gosh! I made some massive mistakes then! Hahhaha! Well anyways for all my friends that read this... I love you and appreciate you... and this is a random day!

I Am the Official Procrastinator

So officially I am the official procrastinator... I have done ZERO Christmas shopping... and tomorrow Rach and I are going to many different places, that includes the Galleria, West County.. etc. I don't know why I just do not attempt to shop prior to the last 3 possible shopping days. I don't know what it is about Christmas this year. I have not listened to Christmas music, have not participated in hardly any festivities, and I feel quite empty. Because in 5 days, Christmas will have come and gone, and I have crammed the most amazingly important holiday into 3 days. I am not even going home until Saturday now... and my little 7 year old brother is so excited! He does not understand I despise coming home, and it's not because of him. Quite the contrary.

It seems like every year, I rush through Christmas and the day after, I feel so incomplete. So if for some reason, I seem that I have been disinterested or not-so-happy, I apologize. I am so selfish, and cannot seem to focus on anything but myself and my own day to day problems. I have so many plans for the next few months. I am preparing for my huge move to Washington and my mind is past Christmas. Past the fact that Jesus sacrificed himself for me. Past the miracle of the birth of a child to a virgin. And even past the joy and love with my family. Wow... what a nostalgic mood! Good thing is, tomorrow I am going Christmas shopping. Listening to Christmas music. Get a pix with Santa. Go tanning. Get a pedicure. And enjoy myself, instead of burdening myself with the complexities of the next day.

Note to self: Enjoy the holidays. Don't rush through it all, sit down, watch your family...watch the joy that comes from above. Gaze absentmindedly into the Christmas tree; it is magical. Make a mess in the kitchen making homemade cookies. Hug your family members, even more than you would want to, like it is the last time. Sit back and enjoy their love, bask in the comfort of family and most importantly, stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving for all is well...

Confused

I am so confused today... finals are officially over. But I am still up at four am and I am so sleepy but my sleep patterns are so off. Not only that I have been performing in an ongoing battle with two different groups of friends. Well except one group is all against one person. In essence, all these people are against this one person that I continue to associate with, against my better judgment and future peace and happiness. I have come to the realization that I have seriously been presenting myself as a fool. I have made some exceptions for some people and have purposefully made excuses for them, hoping and believing that they would prove true in the end. And what has happened you ask?

Well let me explain... now the cause that I put all my faith in, has done exactly what I warned myself against. I opened up every door to my soul, broke down all the walls I had carefully built in order to protect me. It seems like that before they got to know me, they would ask people about me, questioning my character, my life decisions. So then began the process of trying to get to know me. They would strive diligently to capture my attention and all of it. Once they gained that position, things began to change. Now they don't want to be around me, now they take advantage of what they once envied.

I cannot deal with this... ugh. I am seriously so confused right now. Everyone is saying for me to end this, to not participate in the madness. Me, the queen of dryness and cuts, cannot do what I have taught and shown so many people to do. The followers cannot believe this... they question my abilities and my true feelings. I question myself. Why do I continue to live this life full of worry, regret, and coaxing. This is not me. I need to remember that I am a strong, powerful woman. That who I am, was not formed overnight, but has been a life process that was not given to me, but earned. I can't make any more excuses for you. I cannot continue to block out all the negativity. Its not control you desire, but instead you are using me for your own pleasure, to gain positions and titles. You are on your own. I have not a place for you anymore.