Memory Box

So the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were talking about situations in the past and how I could have changed the outcome or maybe how I overreacted to another. I have a photographic memory, and for some reasons, when I am sad or I feel alone, I conjure up some memories that will bring back a good feeling. I tend to dwell on memories that were picturesque or sentimental, because they usually made a major impact on my life at that time. Memories are beautiful... you can remember the kiss of someone you love, the hug of a close friend, the laughter of an amazing moment. I love to remember... I find such joy in remembering that which has past. But the past memories can also conjure up the hurt that followed it. As soon as your mind drifts to the first kiss, and your heart swells with nostalgia, you are almost instantly reminded of the first rejection as well. It literally crushes and expels the good memory. Same with the laughter between friends, you can distinctly remember the hurtful words displayed, along with remembering the good natured laugh that came soon after in hopes of smoothing over.

Another instance is when you relay a memory in the presence of someone else, and they immediately find the bad in yet another memory and your smile and laughter immediately dies. Sometimes as I am trying to go to sleep, I think of memories of those whom I have loved. Sometimes it makes my heart happy and content and other times memories invade your pleasant night dreams and you awake feeling discontented and full of regret. To be honest, it seems like I grasp for my good memories and cling to them. Cherish them, love and protect them. Always hoping to experience its equivalent again. But my conscience says, No, remember how you felt at this other moment, when you felt so alone and they weren't there. So instead of continuously dwelling on the not-so-memorable memories, you close the memory box, for it is too painful to be open for long. There are the days I open it up and gaze within its beauty and see only its good. Then there are those days that you open it with that intent, but only see the hurt and disappointment of yesterday. This, my dear readers, is how I feel. I need to close my memory box for a while... I am not properly extracting other memories and desires from my life. So to you, my beautiful, yet deadly memories, I will see you in but a moment, when I am stronger and not so susceptible to follow in the paths of yesterday...

Dear Dad:

Dear Dad,
On this Father's Day, this will be the only words spoken to you. You will never read them, and if you did, you would never understand them. I remember as a child you loving me, and hugging me, taking me shopping with you. Then suddenly everything changed, and you began to criticize and ridicule everything I did. From that point on, it was random blasts of temper, borderline abuse, and the absence of love. You would get mad and then come and apologize saying that you loved me, but soon I began to question the extent of your love. As a child, I would write in my little diary, everything that you said or did to hurt me, and even now, as I read back through those, my heart continues to ache. I would pray to God, begging Him to change you, so that we didn't always have to live like this. I would pray for my mother, because she could not live much longer like it was. But God chose to never change you; maybe it was because you chose to not let Him. Thus causing our lives to be hell every second that we spent with you.

You never believed in me... always told me I would never amount to anything. You loved when I sang, but always immediately discredited it, saying that I could not just depend on my own abilities. When I went away to Bible College, you expressed that your indecisiveness about it, but Mom won that battle and away I went. Everytime I came home for the holidays, you and I would fight continuously, as you told me I was wasting my time and my money. You never failed to tell me how you viewed me as a failure for going to Gateway. You told me that you even felt embarrassed when people asked where your daughter was, and you would have to admit that I was away at a Bible College. You said that it made you feel embarrassed and irritated that "your daughter" wasn't doing anything productive with her life. How encouraging to hear that, as I worked strenuously for my tuition, and tried to develop my ministry in God, and as I gained recognition, you just turned your back even farther from me.

Now as an adult, I still feel like a child, desperate for approval, and searching for love. I am scared to trust anyone, because I trusted you, and look what you have become. I run from love, because you always promised that you loved me, and now I am not even sure what love is? You have made me scared to believe, of success, of commitment, and of my chances of ever finding love. But somehow through all of your inconsistencies, I have grasped a strength in myself, which only comes from when people force it out of you. I know exactly what to do as an adult; I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes that you did. I know exactly how to love my future family, because of your inability to love ours. I will always give my family and myself to God, so that my children won't doubt God, because of my insensitivity. I will love them and others with such a passion and fervor, all because of you and your insufficiencies. So on this Father's Day, I want to say that you have made this little girl, become stronger and more dependent on her real Father. My Father, Who will never deny me, always loves me, and always believes in me.

My New Life: Washington

Well I thought it would never happen, but here I am, sitting in Seattle with the mountains surrounding me, and the cool breeze drifting past me. But for some reason, all I can think of is, is the humid mid-west. It's probably because I have lived there for the last 24 years, and just moved extremely far away... hm? It is already so different out here, the traffic was crazy, the city is massive and the people are so special. But I have met some new UPC friends, and wow, I am amazed at how close we got in just a day! Plus I have my new boyfriend, Peyton here... he is amazing! And we went downtown and got pictures together at the Seattle Public Market. To get here from St. Louis, we traveled through Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon and then to Washington. It was seriously amazing... the mountains are unbelievable here in Washington. Some are snow capped and then some are just huge with fir trees. My personal favorite is when you can see the mountain with snow on it and at its base is a beautiful lake. It is seriously breathtaking!

Rachel and I are super excited about meeting all the new people and being as involved as we can in the district and our own church. We are going to a youth rally this weekend, and I was asked to sing, and so I am a little unsure of what to sing... But God has really blessed us already and Rach and I have been doing devotions together trying to establish a friendship grounded in the things that are most important. We have been exploring different areas in the Bible and really focusing on them and also we have been continuously chatting about our generation and the one that is after us. She has a huge burden for the high school students, where I have a burden for women. So we just exchange our burdens and talk about how to fulfill our callings, and it is so nice to actually converse about things that matter. Well thats all I have for now!!! Welcome to my new life in Washington!!!

Forever and Always

I sit here trying to understand, trying to piece back together
A puzzle so confusing, and complex
How could you do this? How are you capable of such hurt?
You denied me; you left me with no shoulder to lean on
You turned away from me, when I was broken
Your promises have turned into lies that drip from your mouth
What was once love is now replaced with maliciousness?
I know not who you are, nor care to find out
For the last time you have taken my insecurities and
Distributed them to whom you desire
I’ve been made a fool, I laugh at my own calamity
I look at the proof of who we once were
And only see the lies of which it was made
For what we attempt to hide can develop a life of its own
It’s a life; I choose not to live any longer
You have not only caused me grief, but
Have prevented anyone else from knowing the real me
I have done myself an injustice, as you walk
Away justifying all that we were to better entertain
Soon you will have disappeared, but are not forgotten
Your grip has wrenched my very soul into a twisted
Character of mistrust and bitterness
I pray that God will hear my desperation for solitude
Grant me the peace and sanity that I am robbed of
If there is another opportunity to love another,
I will only see your face
As I reach out and slowly withdraw from fear, I
Will curse your very existence
When I finally do love again, I will cling to that which
Is right and perfect, not a fight, not a lie
And I will know I found the right man.
No betrayal, no discontent, no struggle
But perfect, just as it always will be.
Forever and always.

Chorale Tour 2007

Officially we have been on chorale tour for a week now; I cannot even begin to tell all the stories that have transpired. All the crazy places we have stayed the night in, the repulsive food that people feed us or the annoyance of certain people on our tour bus. We have experienced God in ways that I had forgotten was possible. I found myself lying prostrate on the ground, humbled and weeping before the Lord. I felt so exhilarated after that particular service, because I realized that I had to be completely broken before Him to effectively minister to the people in the services. I prayed for 3 women that night, and God spoke through me to each of them. I heard myself speaking words of wisdom, encouragement, and blessing, that only God, Himself could actually have known. Afterwards, my heart was overwhelmed with the intensity of our services, and all I could do was close my eyes and thank God for His awesome presence.

So many times in my life, I realize that everything I do is pretty much on a wide screen tv for everyone to see. These people that we meet know who we are before we even get there, they have heard us, seen us, or know someone who knows us. It's crazy!!! After we sing and finish praying, so many people come up to me and shower me with their compliments and sometimes what they say is so genuine. It honestly touches my heart every time someone speaks something to be concerning my ministry. I cannot even begin to express how relieved I feel when someone confirms what I prayed over them or that my testimony somehow related to or touched them. And of course there are the people that compliment us on how well we sing, which is normal, but my favorite is when they act like we are celebrities! Ha! I love it!!! Some people are so absolutely amazing and then others so very special. But this chorale tour so far has been wonderful, and God is really blessing each and every one of us!

Passing the Torch/Hope of Tomorrow

Today marks the last week of my tenure at Gateway, and I awoke this morning with feelings of apprehension and of nostalgia. I laid quietly on my bed, studying my room, full of boxes, clothes, shoes. I looked at my couch that I have had for three years and began to reminisce of all the moments that have taken place on it. No, not what you are thinking!!! Moments of happiness and plopping down on it after a day of recording, or barely making it to my room to fall on my couch and cry my little heart out. Sitting on it with like 10 girls and laughing hysterically into all hours of the night, and praying at it with one particular friend when searching for God's will in our lives.

I gazed around my room with blurred vision caused my pent up tears of what are soon to be good memories. I lived in that particular room for three long years of my life at Gateway and it holds such a special place. Never again will I hear my friends screaming down the hall at 3am, nor will random people come and knock incessantly on my door to tell me something, never will I be able to go out of room and walk next door and be with all the people I cherish so much. These hallways that I dreaded walking down now seem so wonderful, and I walk down it with my mind full of memories that took place. Every classroom, the library, the chapel, things I took for granted, have become deep for me. I look at all these people I have been going to school with, and I realize that I will not be sitting eating lunch, being obnoxious anymore. We are all going to be separated, moving on, and my heart is saddened.

If I leave anything, I want to leave the hope of tomorrow. Sometimes during my tenure here, there were times when I would literally have to hope that tomorrow would be better and that all my problems of today would soon pass. I remember countless times that I would call my mom and cry and be so frustrated and she would say, "Wait til tomorrow, it will be better tomorrow." And for some crazy reason, it usually was! There were so many times that I wanted to leave this place, was upset at people, or was disinterested. But now, now that I am for real leaving, I look back at my calamity and shake my head. God has taken me so much farther than I ever thought I could go, He has called me into ministry that no one even knows of yet, and He has blessed me tremendously in ways that I could never truly explain. The hope of tomorrow rests in His hands.

As I leave, I want to pass on my mantle or the torch of my generation. I want to leave behind the strength that only came from trials along this journey. I leave behind the talent that was derived from true humility. I pass the torch of anointing to someone who has learned the lessons of being a true, devout singer and realizing its not about us, but about Him. I give my ability to be so confident in all that I do, to the point that I have managed to convince most people that I have limited insecurities. (ha) I pass the torch of walking into a room and somehow gaining the attention of almost every single person to someone who feels inadequate in who they are as a person. From being here at Gateway, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, dependence, spiritual lessons, what I want in someone as a soul mate, discovered my true talents, was taught more than I could ever imagine about music, and how to love people unconditionally. I pass this legacy of my life, to whomever wants it. I do not promise that the road will be easy, but I do promise that you will not be alone. We always have the hope of tomorrow and the mantle of those who have gone before us.

Through Every Circumstance, I Will Succeed

With everyday that passes, I become more and more consumed with my future and the paths I am choosing to walk down. I have been on the same road for four years now, and now my life is taking a new direction. I look around me, I remember all my mistakes, all my accomplishments, the great amount of friendships, all of my dreams that have come true, and the new dreams that are still yet to come to pass. With regret, I look at my failed relationships. I take a step back, and sigh with frustration at my decisions of late. Relationship=FAILURE. It was not by choice, the start of it, that is. This relationship was a friendship that involved confusion, wrong choices, supposed ideas, trust issues, mentally and emotionally straining, borderline tragedy, sometimes such a beautiful connection, amazing moments but with the wrong person. So now I am left with hundreds of I-told-you-so's, and the most frustrating sense of under-accomplishment ever known. Instead of investing my time and money on something that will be steadfast, I had to place all of my investments in something that was never there from the beginning.

Through all of this, I have learned... learned life lessons that I did not necessarily care to learn. I discovered that you can love someone and realize that you don't even understand the true meaning of love. I became aware that people can warn you, can prophesy to you, and yet you can still fall for the same mistakes. But through every circumstance that comes my way, through every obstacle, and past every fall off the pedestal, I WILL SUCCEED! I will accomplish all that I dream of; I am the person that I once was, the strong, independent woman full of dreams and expectations. No one can take my dreams from me; there is not one person who can bring my opinion down of myself to the point that I do not remember who I have become. Past all criticism, through each undue comment, I remain steadfast. Steadfast in being exactly who I have created myself to be. What is one of the most important lessons I have learned...? Through every circumstance, I will succeed...