California Dreaming

When you love someone, it’s incredible how many things trigger a memory. I walked into a restaurant last night, and Adele was singing a song that most people don’t really discuss, but it’s called Love Song. It’s so simple, yet haunting, but it made me reminisce the way songs do. Last time when J. and I broke up, I listened to so much sad music from A Fine Frenzy to Blu Cantrell to Whitney to Kirk Franklin. I couldn’t find any healing in any of the music, and music is my go-to. This time, I refused to listen to any music. I couldn’t stomach any genre, and resorted to quotes and writings from other broken hearted people. It was interesting to see how many people have been in a similar situation, and how in the end, we all felt the same. Blaming ourselves, questioning its validity at all, loving and hating simultaneously. I started to pin a million sayings on Pinterest into his own dedicated private folder, and followed so many poets on Instagram. But in the end, none of these helped either. It only confused me more because I started to remember the beginning through the almost end, when everything was perfect. He was perfect. For me a breakup consists of weird stages, but this one went like this:

• Complete heartbreak with full on screaming and crying, clutching my chest, called into work, couldn’t eat or drink
• Bargaining which consisted of hundreds of texts back and forth trying to understand and cope
• Seeking God in everything and begging for answers
• Numbness and realization that there was no hope
• Bargaining again
• His silence, then my silence
• First date since him, and then the closure email was written

Of course there are a few interchangeable stages in there or all at once. My poor pets were so scared, and never knew when I would just lose it and fling myself on my bed and throw an absolute fit. Dramatic, I know. I wasn’t getting the answers I needed from my family, friends, God, or him. I had just gotten to the point where I knew I could move past it all. I hadn't cried in a while, my heart still hurt, but it was moving on. And it was at the closure stage that I realized, this wasn’t really over in my mind. I didn’t want to let go, I wanted him to fight, to choose me. It wasn’t about emotions anymore or bargaining, it was that moment when Carrie sees Big in the closet of their penthouse, and she just runs to him. It was true love.

So my California dream would be to have him again, to be loved by him only the way he can. To know what was once right that went wrong, would somehow, someway become right again. Sometimes you have to weed out all the toxic people in your life, become private, and just breathe. No one can make your heart stop hurting except the person who hurt it. No one can tell you what you need to hear, no one’s experience can make your own experience better. However, I appreciate every person that gave me advice or shared their story because it gave me peace, and allowed me to see past my own pain to realize that in life we really are all quite similar. We all share pain, sadness, heartbreak, love, happiness, loneliness, confusion. We all have dreams that are broken, we have realities that are unforeseeable. We love, we hate, and we feel, we go numb, but at the end of the day, we are all alike, just humans searching for love, acceptance and peace. It’s pretty simple really, but life happens.

So today, I am dreaming of a life I was supposed to have that was stolen from me. I am dreaming of California, and all the possibilities that came with it. I can see the ocean, and smell the salt in the air, the breeze from the water. It's hopeful, and I feel peace in my dream, and I see his face smiling at me, loving me. I am dreaming of him and his love that made me so happy. It’s okay to be a dreamer, because life and reality will bring you back far too quickly. So dream while you can, hope for the unthinkable, do the unbelievable, and just find your happiness.

No Hope

“I think I’m getting better, I think I’m getting over it. I’m starting to not feel as hurt and missing him as bad.” Those words were no sooner out of my mouth that I felt the depression kick back in. It was like because I spoke it, the enemy immediately swooped in and said, “Oh yeah, check this out.” At dinner, I could barely eat as I moped and pushed my food around. On the way home, I checked Facebook only to see he removed our pictures. All of them. All of our memories, the happy smiles, the promise of a life together, gone. It kicked me over the edge, and I resulted in blowing up his phone with texts full of blame, begging, wishing, apologizing. Only to be met with coldness, and then silence.

There is this moment in a breakup that is singlehandedly the hardest part of the entire breakup once you are past the initial words of the ending, and that is the moment when you realize there is no hope. In a break-up, I feel that most people have some form of hope that lingers for an undetermined amount of time. It may never come, or it may come a year down the road or only linger for the first month. For me, it was two weeks. Two weeks of hoping that God would give us His blessing in our relationship. Hope that he would show up on my doorstep, and take me back to California and live happily ever after. Hope that the love and hopes and dreams we shared, and the life we planned in full detail would happen somehow, someway. Hope that my heart would be healed by his incredible love, and ultimately, hope that this was all just a really bad dream. But there is no hope, and that is the most incredibly sad comment I could possibly say about the relationship I shared with him.

Now comes the questions: Why is he so cold? Why is he walking away so easily? Is he with someone already? Is he talking to someone? Did he ever really love me? Was everything we shared just a dream that he never planned to fulfill? What, when, why, how? How could he walk away knowing all that he knows? The questions are endless, and I know the answers, but I don’t want to admit the truth, because the truth hurts. What no one knows is this… he rescued me from a dark place. He loved me back to life after I had given up on love, and decided to live a life of sin to fill the emptiness. He made me realize that I am loveable, and beautiful, and silly, and that I deserve someone good. I’m grateful to him for that, but with all the goodness came a lot of pain at the end. There have been days I wished to not wake up, and days that my heart hurt so bad that I felt like it could burst out of my chest. It has taken all my power to just get up and shower and go to work. I know I sound dramatic, and I’ll admit I am, but I have no apologies for how I am coping with this.

I will never plan my life with someone again without almost complete surety that it will work out. We made premature plans both times we dated. This time, we had how we would decorate our house, our Christmas tree, how we would dress our children, what kind of lessons they would have, their names and backup names. We dreamed of our ministries together, shared hopes and dreams of everything, made plans to go to San Francisco, different places in San Diego, Mexico, etc, etc, etc. We would just plan and plan, and hold hands in the car and talk about our wonderful life together. I mean, a month ago, you couldn’t have told me that I wasn’t moving to California in May. He was getting things ready there in Cali, and I was getting things ready here in Indiana. Hopefully a wedding in July and wanting to tell everyone about a baby in December. I was prepared to move my job, and had gotten permission to work from home, and was ready to sell everything in my apartment and move to start our life together. And then, it’s over… For a 34 year old and a 36 year old, we sure made some mistakes. I won’t do that again. I guess I just hoped this was it. I felt like it was, and I am starting to finally feel like it wasn’t. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, but today, there is no hope, and I hate that.

Death of a Relationship

How do you find happiness again after losing the one you love to a breakup?

I’ve often heard it said that a break-up is like a death, and for those who have experienced the death of a love then I apologize as I know it is not the same. However, the way we treat a true ending of a relationship, is often like the ending of a life together. The heartbreak, the memories, the walking around the store aimlessly and breaking down at the smallest memory, the triggers, the pain, the constant blips of hope only for those to be quickly dissipated. It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for a month, three months, five years or twenty-five years, each person that experiences a break-up with someone they planned a life with or had one with, ultimately experiences a death of themselves and that love.


For me, it was so quick and three months of whirlwind love and romance with every perfect word spoken, every dream dreamed, and every plan planned. I was astounded that I could find such happiness with the person, who was my true soul mate. We would both sit and wonder how blessed we were to be together after our less than blessed pasts, and muse that most people never get a chance to feel this type of love that we shared. People in public at restaurants, malls, wherever would look at us and laugh with us because it was completely obvious that we were undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy. So you ask, how do you go from being “undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy” to feeling “lost, hopeless, and alone?” The answer is unclear even to me. I know why he and I broke up, but the feelings, the happiness, the “rightness,” the God thing; the everything else makes my head spin.


I’ve hidden every present from him, the card, (minus my purse because I love it too much) and anything with his handwriting. It’s still painful to see the 300+ pictures of us on my phone, or the single pictures of him, he didn’t even know I took of him standing somewhere or walking towards me. He hated my need for pictures, but always obliged which I am still grateful for. I have one video of him, and I’ve only allowed myself to watch it once but his voice, oh that voice, it leveled me. If I knew the last time I kissed him would be the last time, I would’ve never let him leave; I would’ve never let him stop. Well not that I’d have a choice, but theoretically. I never thought I’d not hear his gorgeous voice say I love you anymore, but it’s gone, and it’s an awful feeling.

He honestly did what he thought he had to. He is broken, I am broken. Okay, I am way more emotional, so you know that I am way more dramatic and broken. I’ll have a good day where I am remembering how to be happy without him, and then I’ll breakdown from one trigger that I thought was hidden away or maybe just a simple memory, and the fact that our life we planned is gone. How do you rebuild a life again? How do you even think about loving someone again when the person you love is still out there, living, working, right there, but unobtainable? How do you readjust to your old life when you planned a new one and were living it?

What do you do when his half of his family is telling you to run and the other half is begging you to hold on? Your friends are telling you to cut it off and never look back? Your mother is saying let go and quit being stupid. But your heart is following him around like a little puppy, just wanting to be loved and wanting to be held. I have enough details, enough pain, enough answers and revelation to run as far as possible. But it was HIM. He was my one, but what if he’s not. What if I was mistaken? What if my one is really out there, and I made a huge mistake, but everything felt right? It’s hard to believe that you can really click with someone on every little aspect only to have it taken from you. How do you like all the same music, all the same things, have similar family issues, the same ministries, the same singing voices, eat the same little portions and share every meal, he does everything that I love like reprimanding me for being a brat, and then chasing me when I’m brattier, or trailing his fingers on my hands in the car because he knows I love to be touched, and making me say I love you and give him a kiss when I get irritable for no reason. He gets me, and I think that’s the hardest part of this. Putting aside everything I know about him, and everything he knows about me, we fell in love in a truly hopeless place. Was it the right time? No. Was it the perfect situation? No. He said over and over that 2018 was our year for happiness because it had been so long since we were happy. Here we are 31 days into 2018, and I am the furthest thing from happy. I’m experiencing the death of a relationship with who I thought was my soul mate, and trying to pick up my exhausted heart and trust God that He will love me back to life again.

PS. I haven't wrote on this blog in 8 years, and I scrolled down and saw a post about the same guy from 2009, called One Road, right before he broke my heart all those years ago too. It was good for me to see how similar this was again. Dry laugh.

Things I have discovered in the last year:

~Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; instead it gives us an opportunity to forget

~No matter how much quiet time I have, I always desire more

~The road less traveled is dark and not very welcoming

~Most of the people I used to care about are now just a distant memory

~I’ve thought about blogging at least ten times, and am always too tired to think

~It’s true that you can go from being a social butterfly to being a quiet introvert, at least, until you are reunited with those that bring out your true colors

~My hate for talking on the phone has increased to the highest maximum

~My love for Apple products has increased too, and I am a Mac lover now

~Social networking is overrated and I wish to be free from it, maybe tomorrow

~No matter how good I pretend, sometimes my conscience resists

~The truth that dreams really aren’t our reality and this is good, because my dreams are painful

~I’ll never be truly happy until this one particular event takes place, and then I’ll consider it

~I don’t need friends to survive; I am perfectly fine alone, until I am scared

~In Bible College, I made a 3.1 GPA and in Grown-up College, I make a 4.0

~Someone lied when they said you can forgive, but you can’t forget

~The things I cared about the most are hidden, but they are still there, most definitely there

~True happiness comes from you, and what you decide is worth living for

~I don’t ask God repeatedly for blessings, I only ask on rare occasions for specific instructions

~Whoever said life goes on left out the part that to go on, you have to start a new life

~Sometimes I feel lost, but then I just realize that I have completely lost interest

~I’m through over-analyzing my future and my past, and my present is just a black and white movie playing over and over again

Destination: Louisville, KY

I have officially been in Yakima, Washington for almost 2 years, and have finally decided it was time to move home. I would have never traded the experience I have gained by being here for anything. The ministry aspect at our home missions church, The Intersection Church has been literally irreplaceable. People skills, ministry minded situations and the teachings of a great pastor has equipped me into being a stronger minister of music. At college, we strived for perfection so much that we lost our focus on our anointing. God has taken me so far from where I was as a singer into being a minister for His glory. It would be very easy to stay here for a long time and continue to minister at the Intersection Church, but God has a different plan. These two years have caused me to grow up, take some responsibility for my actions, and decide what, when and where I am going to continue my life. I worked at a doctor's office here in Yakima, and achieved some great experience that I most certainly need in today's work field. So if everything is so perfect then why am I moving away from this supposed perfection?

My family.

My education.

My career.

My ministry.

=

His will

I've been away from my family for six whole years now, and I have completely lost touch with them and needed to re-establish some communication and closeness with them. My family has fallen away from the Lord, and I hope to bring them back to the truth as much as I can. I am extremely scared of going back to absolutely nothing. No friends, no job, no church, no ministry. It's quite overwhelming and sometimes I think, "Whoa, what am I doing?" But I believe some people stay in the same place and in their same comfort zone for far too long, and life just passes them by. They remain in the same situations, often looking for a way out. It would be easy for me to stay here, where everything is already planned out for me. But that is not the right plan for this season of my life. It's hard for me to understand the directions of God, they are not so easy to read sometimes and He leaves the decisions up to us. I'm nervous about being in the place I despised so much. Apprehensive about not having a church to help minister or be a part in. I can tell you that the devil has spoken his lies already, words such as, "You'll never find a church that will need you there." "Your ministry will be gone, you wont be singing anymore for any congregation, you will fall away from God so quick." And as soon as I hear that, I feel such an anger that he would continue to lie to me and discourage me, when I am trying to do something that I believe is God's will.

No, I don't know where the road will lead as far as churches and jobs, but I know that God is in control of my life, and He won't let me down. I am desiring to go into nursing, He will help me along the way, I am confident in that. There will be just the right church that needs me as much as I need them, and He will be the One who will provide that. There will come a job that is close to home, flexible and dependable, He is faithful to the faithful.

It is hard to leave a church family behind and a second family that has taken you under their wing for the last couple years, but I count it as a blessing to have met such wonderful people and to have had the opportunity of a lifetime in my hands. So as I leave Yakima, Washington in less than two days... I leave with a heavy heart, but one full of great memories and love. I look onto the horizon and I see a city, one that will maybe forever change the destination of my life once again. Onto Louisville, Kentucky...

Forecast: Chance of Rain 98%

You know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours..." People everywhere for a long time have associated that with something that has happened at least once or twice in their personal lives. It seems like this year, it has been a continuous rainfall and hasn't completely became sunny in a long time. Life has not been horrible, so please, do not get me wrong. However, there have been more than a lifetime of moments, where you don't want to get out of bed the next day, or the sun is shining and you wished it was cloudy because you are so blue, or you are in a church service and you feel so completely desolate that you are almost unmoved. Those are the times I hate. I hate remembering, I hate certain songs, certain phrases, etc. All of a sudden, I have so much negativity that I am constantly walking around with a frown on my face without even noticing. People at work think I am quiet and laid back, my friends from college never hear from me... the once ever-so-loud mouthed girl has become a loner and a quiet thinker. It was a very random transition, and I'm not sure I like it.

It is inevitable that we all eventually, well rather hopefully, we grow up. My life changed drastically after leaving college in St. Louis and moving to Washington state. My social life took a massive plunge, my reason for existing became minute, and I found myself in this slump of my life. I've encouraged myself by saying, "You are just lonely, all of your friends are on the other side of the country, everything will work out in time." Through all of these times of loneliness, sadness, and hurt there have in turn been times of rejoicing with our home missions church and the great things God is doing there. To be used in ministry at a small church and to spend all of my spare time with another family, has been amazing and a blessing in itself. But in the middle of all of these mixtures of emotions, I was and am searching. Searching for the right place to be. Where my heart feels at home, like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Some people are able to create it, some ignore it, but I am searching so hard for it. That place to call home.

"Home is where the heart is," but if you don't know where your heart is, it's hard to pinpoint that exact location. In the past couple years, I have experienced enough false love, hurt, feelings of rejection, haunting dreams, and tears to last me for the rest of my life. There were so many times of true happiness that was soon followed with unbelievable sadness, times where God had to literally piece me back together again upon the path of following His will. Through all of this, I've had to learn to sing through every situation, to break through every obstacle and distraction that the enemy has put before me. There are days, like today, that I have no clue where I am going, but the only thing I know is, it must be great... I've been through too much to not have something good coming to me. I believe if we stay faithful to God, He will remain faithful to us. There were times that I yelled at Him and questioned His will, with my heart in my hands, I would surrender it back to Him. If I can't trust in God, whom can I trust? God is my Healer, my Comforter and my Deliverer. My prayer:

God, You know my every thought and intent of my heart. All around me people rise up against me, but You lift my head. When I am down and no one is there for me, You lift me up. When I've turned away from You, I feel Your sweet bidding to my heart. You hear the cry of Your servant, I desire to be closer to You than ever before. The adversary comes up against me daily, I pray that You will give me strength to not succumb to his lies. I've not lived this life for You to only have lived it in vain. Lord, I want to make a difference in someone's life as often as I can. Help me to be sensitive to Your call, help me to reach out to other's and not be so caught up in my life that everyone else just passes me by. Encourage me as I encourage others, break my heart for what breaks Yours. My ministry, it's Yours... my voice, Yours. I am but a messenger for You, dear Lord. Speak through me, use me, I pray. Lord, be my Vindicator... I release all those who have hurt me and every wrong done to me. I know that You are working on my behalf, that everything is for my good. Help me to be a witness to my family, their hearts have become hardened and cold. Only You can restore the years that the locust hath eaten, only You can make all things new. Replace the hurt that my mother feels from years before, show her Your love that is unconditional. She has lost all trust in anything and I pray that she finds trust in You. You can replace every hurt, restore everything that is broken and love like she has never been loved. I know my life is in Your hands, I trust You, Lord. I trust that You will replace the love that has been taken from me, you will restore my brokenness, and heal my heart. Thank You for Your love and compassion, it is never failing. You are truly a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thank You Lord.

The Silence of Broken Relationships

I despise the times in our lives when we struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I hate when your phone rings and you jump to see if it is the person you desire to speak with the most. Or when you find yourself listening to an old voicemail just to hear them say I love you. And for me the worst is over-analyzing everything that went on... what went wrong... warning signs, trying to depict old text messages to better understand. It is no problem for me to admit that I cannot handle silence. I have a desperate need to talk things out. Even if we don't end up friends, I want to talk our problems out. Eventually you will, so why ignore them? I have been so unfortunate as to experience with the last two people I was involved with, a silence that is overbearing, tragic to me and have spent hours of analyzation.

I believe men are different than women when it comes to relationships. We want to talk it out, we want explanations, we desire to see their heart in it... but they don't like to offer that freely. And so we are left with the thousands of questions, the nights feeling alone all the while they have already replaced us. But one thing I am absolutely sure of... they don't forget anything. They might be able to push it far from their conscience but they are unable to block out all the words, the memories, and the wrong that they caused us. One person that we love is capable of healing up old wounds from a previous hurtful relationship, only to cause new pain and agony in the new relationship. And so the vicious cycle continues...

We give so much of ourselves in these failed relationships. We sacrifice time, sleep, money... and we simply sacrifice our love for the sake that someone will desire that love above all. We trust far too easy, in an attempt to find the one who is the most trustworthy. I don't love often, but when I do, I love deep. I have truly loved three guys in my entire life, and am not on speaking terms with any of them. They are the ones who know me the very best in the world, the ones who know my heart and soul... and they could careless what happens to me truly. I regret these relationships because they put such a bind on the person that is to come that truly is the one for me. Only two of those, would I have considered my One... both have walked slowly away, taking with them what could have been.

If we knew we would be hurt when we started into a new relationship, would we risk all the deep conversations into our personal life... would we tell them our intimate secrets... would we even attempt to build something if we knew it had no solid foundation. The answer is an obvious, no. It's pathetic that in this day and time, we cannot trust the person that we love so much. I realize that you have to give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt, but I can say this right now, I am unable to go through another failed relationship and have it dissolve before my eyes without an explanation and then eventually fall into silence. I literally do not have the strength to halfway be in a relationship, I don't want to tell anyone anything personal. I am learning a solid strength of silence within myself. If we don't truly love ourselves, who will... I firmly believe we must love ourselves before we can allow someone else to love us. If we love ourselves, we will be more careful with our intimate secrets and our levels of depth with a new prospective person.

I have known this pain before, it is very familiar to me, and so I know eventually it will cease. I am longing for the day when I feel like jumping out of bed with a renewed vigor for life. Each broken relationship takes a toll on your everyday life, especially when the person consumed every moment of those previous days. There are times that I say to God, "Seriously? Really? This isn't funny anymore." There are those times when God says, "I will replace the love that has been taken from you... I will restore you... wait on Me.... wait." And then silence... but His silence I am more patient with, because I know when He does speak to me, it's a promise that will never be broken and my relationship with Him is forever and always.

One Road

How do you start explaining a life that you don't understand yourself? How do you explain the person you've become when the past flew by so quickly without a thought? It is official. For everyone that must know, know this... I am completely and utterly in love with the most wonderful man in the world. It's completely hysterical for me to look back on my past relationships and worries, and realize that the doors of that part of my life are completely closed with deadbolts on the doors. I am so completely enthralled with my relationship with him that he has done the unexpected... begin to heal the broken girl and to mend my dreams along with it. He doesn't even know that, we rarely speak of those left better unmentioned. There is no need to expound upon the past or to reflect. When I am with him, my mind is on one thing and one thing alone... the future. I've never known someone that could bring out my crazy, funny side and also my serious, spiritual side at the same time. Balance is what I've been searching for and balance is exactly what I got! It's true that if you wait for the right one and quit trying to mold someone into that perfect someone, that he will find you. He does not need any refining, does not need any changing, he is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

A good friend whom I respect very much told me lately, "It's funny how everything else just isn't as important as before, when you've met someone." That was of course re-stated, but the thought stayed with me. The little things in life seem little and the big things are just momentary, because you know that he is going to be right there to hold you and tell you everything will be absolutely okay and mean it. Does it ever seem like you have traveled down roads in your life, that led you to so many different destinations. You would think to yourself, is this the one? And in your heart you knew it wasn't, but you had nothing to compare it to, so you doubted your conscience. Or it's like a road that led you straight to someone that seemed so perfect for a while, but then hurt you deeply and you wonder if you could ever trust someone again? But amazingly, what I have found is that there is only one road in life and it leads straight to you... Am I completely gushing? Because I feel like it and I have no apology... :)

For all the women that are in between relationships, for the ones who have felt that deep burning for the right one in their heart, and for the ones who have been deeply hurt by the not so right one, know this... he is there. He really is, so unexpectedly, so surprisingly, and so beautifully there. Hopefully it will be the exact person, the one you have waited so patiently for, and the timing will be right. Please stay tuned... there will be updates...

I'm Thankful For...

-the sound of laughter that warms my heart

- the closeness of friends

- the happiness that makes your cheeks hurt from smiling too much

- the sadness of a time gone past

- the memories of previous years

- protection on my family and friends

- the bustle of the holidays

- rosy cheeks in the cold, brisk air

- the proof of existence

- grace and mercy

- pecan pie

- for all the thorns in my life that have helped display the comfort of the Lord

- and for all the roses that give a depiction of new beginnings

- comments from old friends that you still love deeply

- the tears of regret that fall through a smile of success

- Christmas movies

- LOVE

- pumpkin scented candles

- Classic Christmas Music

- the truth that the holidays produce

- my mother

- my friends and family that are with me today

So thankful for everything that has been given to me...

Past=Passed

I am aware that most likely no one will read this, because it has been so long since I've posted, however, I need to write this for me. I have no idea where to begin to pen all the thoughts racing through my mind today. For the last month or so, I have found that my past has really caught up with me, quickly. Moments, situations, relationships from my past have suddenly became a common daily occurrence, and it is really beginning to become a foolish game. I am amazed at how much I have changed in the last year and a half and then on the other hand, I am equally amazed at how much I haven't. People from my past have been miraculously appearing out of no where, flaunting their new lives, yet begging to be a part of mine again. And sometimes I cannot rationalize that these people, who had previously made such an impact in my past, have no future with me now. Either they have so much baggage that they are incapable of having a friendship, or are married and expect me to continue our "relationship" as if nothing has conspired in the last 10 years. I am amazed at the lack of faithfulness and consideration for the people involved in the lives of my past relationships. I am more amazed that people would just "assume" that I would pick up where we left off years ago and continue a forbidden relationship as if I have no conscience whatsoever. I cannot begin to express how done I am with all these past "whatevers" and everything they think they are bringing to the table. I am not interested, I am not second choice or second rate, my mind is not so warped that I would go into the very recesses of a past life for any form of gratification. Period.

Have you ever thought that people underestimate you? That when you are talked about you are considered to be a certain person, and that definition changes in whatever group you are in at the moment. So many people have this unbelievable idea of who I am and what I am about. I am not the same person I was in high school, I am definitely not the same person I was in college. You grow up and grow out of the things that you used to participate freely in, whatever they may be. People who think they can predict my next move in life, or can predict my reaction to a situation, is most certainly mislead. I deal with situations different, because I've learned from each of my thousands of mistakes. The mistakes I made last year, I refuse to make again. The mistakes that I participated in this year, I've already learned from and will be staying far from those. I am not predictable, so I wish people would just stop worrying about my life and the way I lead it.

For all of those, who think they have an idea of my feelings toward certain people and situations, know this, that the people you trust the most are the most untrustworthy people in existence. I have too long let the people who hurt me the most, back into my life, exclusively. However, I have learned that for now, the choice to try to reconcile was absolutely wrong. For far too long, I have excused and attempted to make amends, and now I am labeling it in the past or also know as "passed." I am amazed at the lack of class that some people exude and am even more amazed that at some point, I thought they were worth my time. Word of mouth somehow finds its way back to every person in the most round-a-bout way. And most of the time when it reaches the main subject, just know that the words have been twisted into oblivion. People think they are telling "friends" information, but what they are doing is telling me through another person. Thank you for your consideration of my feelings.

The past truly needs to be passed, and tomorrow I will not feel this way again. I have learned that the past is cluttered with anger and mistakes and we need to somehow get past that. If we dont bury the past, it will greatly affect our future. And then there comes a moment when we simply have to face the challenges in our lives and stop backing down, this is what I am doing. I am letting the past be passed...

Immortal Beloved

Amongst the hurried rush for the women of America to see the Sex and the City movie, something different, outside of the normal, caught my attention. The letters written by Ludwig van Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved." Everywhere people have been asking about those love letters, I am amazed at the simplicity and beauty of the words. They are what I would consider somewhat like wedding vows, but they are letters. I have decided to put my favorite of the three letters on here. Enjoy the beauty and simplicity of written love.

The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7,Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine, ever mine, ever yours

The Music Within Me

I remember when... the music that was in my soul was so loud, it deafened me. It released me from all my worries, it held my head high, comforted all woes, and created a being that was powerful within itself. The music that defined my life, you could stand beside me and hear the soulful refrains of my past, you could hear the pain, feel the joy, experience the life. Music. Music has guided me through life, it has paved roads that are inevitably going to be my future. There is a song for every capital moment, for every overwhelming sense of love, for each tear that fell steadily, there was a song. It was the song that awakened me from sleep, it was that song that kept me from sleep, it is the song that haunted my very thoughts in slumber. The song that defines me. It's the song that no one else can sing quite like me. The one that the "angels wish they could sing," it is personal, deep and mine. When all goes wrong, I sing this song, my fear is that I could possibly lose it. I could lose the music that I constantly hear and the play of my life would not be as interesting without its music.

I remember when I heard the music, and I remember... the day it stopped. It was the deafening silence that startled me, causing me to realize that the music had stopped. Everything seemed perfect and then I realized that the song given to me from birth wasnt playing anymore... my heart was not singing its melody. Darkness. Inevitable sadness and overwhelming fear. I remember closing my eyes against the rapidly approaching pain of discouragement, instead of being encouraged, I was desperate to hear its sweet melodies. Too late. Instead of my song, I heard the mockery, and was forced to listen to the voices that spoke of failure. How could I survive? How can I? I've not only destroyed many good things, I have forcibly pushed away the one thing I could call mine. The one ability to see past the darkness, the one reason to endure the hardships that life consistently brings, the one power that is ever present and encourages me to continue. It was taken advantage of, depended too much upon without any form of gratification, and was then stopped in mid-sentence, mid-life. Desperation. Fear. Uncontrollable sadness.

My song is the continuous anthem of dedication only sung to Him. It is NOT guaranteed, we can jeopardize that song so beautifully given. We can take advantage of something that is not truly ours and we can pretend its mine. But at the end of the day, that fear that it will be taken supercedes your apparent humility and true humility sets in. Its those words you speak only when no one else can hear you. It is the words of a promise that you have so skillfully hidden from the world for fear of rejection. It consists of a passion that exceeds any other goal in life, you can hear the absolute desperation of my soul when I sing my song. You can imagine the pain that life has brought my way, a past full of mistakes, inconsistencies and the hope that everything really will be okay. Why do we jeopardize it? Why do we play games around our anointing, threatening it... tempting it to leave? This is my song, my testimony, and my life... I will not allow myself or anyone else have the power to steal that from me. So when you hear me sing, it is not what you assume. There is no pride, there is no show off status, it is me. Me and the life that I have lived and currently live. It is the depiction of my life, every note, every word, is a simple depiction of a moment in my life, therefore, it is not for your ears to be impressed. My song and my music is for Him and for me... so that I can go on from here...

The Heart of the Matter

After a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, I began to think of a new topic for my blog. I have spoke on this issue in some of the previous blogs, but I would like to expound upon it. I realize that in life we meet people, who make an impression on us, sometimes we have a connection, sometimes it is connection formed after being used to them and their company. You don’t find that connection with a lot of people so when you do, you are very protective of it and will desire it up above any previous and sometimes future relationships. It’s the connection that keeps you awake at night talking to them on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, (for those who do that) and it’s the connection that causes you to miss them even when they don’t want you anymore or they have purposefully hurt you. It’s a connection we long for… it’s that feeling that, for the moment you are with the person who completes you, even if it doesn’t last.

My question to my friend, during our conversation, was "when do we quit loving in just the moment and start loving for real? When we say we will be always be there, is it just for the moment or do we mean forever?" How many people have told you that they loved you, that they would always be there… no matter what? Then you look around, and they are not there, they do not care, & they do not love you…? When did our spoken word become so invaluable and just a commonality? I do not want anyone to tell me they love me, until they mean it with their whole heart. Like the; I love you, I will always be here no matter what kind of love, and really, truly mean it! I have had that connection once with someone… how heartbreaking it was to truly love only to have it made into a mockery of your emotions and of every memory. It’s like spending a significant amount of time with someone to be left with only memories, no words, nothing. How devastating that is…

Now I long for that love that is irreplaceable, not just in the moment, true, intimate, beautiful, exclusive and real. When you say I will always be there, please mean it and always be there. It’s time for us, especially me, to quit loving in the moment, to love with that forever love, to search for that connection, holding onto it and not letting go… Getting to the heart of the matter.

Cleaning Day, Lift Up the Rug

Last year around this time I wrote about “Take the Line Down, Its Not Laundry Day.” However, today, I will write about Cleaning Day. There have been many different situations weighing on mind lately. Over the past year, I have experienced problems, people that have:

a. Caused significant grief
b. Hurt me inexplicably
c. Betrayed with words or actions

We can all testify that each year, we can basically remember a few names to put with the above categories. Some of these hurts and woes are minor and do not weigh heavy on us, but then there are other specific ones that do. In both of these situations, I did what I felt was the best action for me, which would be to cut them off. One group was doing the stalker actions and judging me wrongfully. The other I trusted with my whole heart and they took advantage of that and in the end, hurt me beyond words. I am one to put my wrongs in front of me and try to somehow find a right in it. I like to work out problems and situations, and contrary to popular belief, I am very approachable.

I cannot stand people who are in ministry who gossip about other people, but they never go to that person. I have done my share of that, believe me… but I always, and always go to a person if I have a problem with them. I don’t talk about them to my family and friends, I go to them. Isn’t that supposed to be our Christian service? What it comes down to, is that people who know nothing of me, are judging me, although their own faults are on display. They are a fake to my face and turn around and talk about me even to my closest friends. So I did what I thought was right, I attempted to talk it out. But all I was met with was lies, so that resulted in the cut off stage.

I don’t feel that when I cut someone off per se that they are forever cut off from me, but if I have made an attempt to fix a problem and it is shot down, then it is their responsibility to come to me. I will not give them even more fuel to burn their continuous gossip fires. But when it comes down to the end of the day, we can sweep all of our problems under the rug. I am good at that, I just vent for a day, and then sweep all my troubles underneath my trusty rug. I go on about my life, and have forgotten about all that I have hidden.

My other situation is completely different in its entirety. I experienced hurt like never before this past year. I looked through a book/journal that I wrote my thoughts in over the past year, and I was amazed at the words I had written. In the past year, I have had the best and the worst of times. I experienced consuming love for it to be turned to overwhelming sorrow of losing a friend. There were so many experiences and instances that are forever embedded in my mind and heart. I still feel like my time with this person was limited but there were thousands of memories that took place. Again in this situation, I cut him off. I can’t even imagine having a conversation with the person I used to call my best friend. You can effectively push someone so far out of mind and out of sight that you can literally not imagine sitting across from them again or beside them. Where there was complete comfort is now utter despise-ment. I am most certain it is both ways. It does confuse me though how people can change their feelings so quickly. So this situation including the other group situation, I have swept underneath the rug. This rug is my comfort zone… I hide everything so I don’t have to face it on a daily basis, so that I won’t see its inconsistencies and all the hurt and confusion. But sometimes, situations, words or perhaps an old song will bring those memories to surface and the rug is ripped up and all of a sudden whether you want to or not, it’s cleaning day. You have to address the problems you have so carefully hidden, because they ARE still there and they have NOT been resolved.

I hate cleaning day, I have to put the old clothes of yesterday on, and I have to deal with the problems and pray that tomorrow they can just be swept back under the good ol’ rug to be saved for the next cleaning day. Today is cleaning day for me, I am dealing with the problems I have so adequately hidden. I am saddened, but confident that everything is going to be alright. Today is cleaning day, but tomorrow everything will be absolutely okay. Forever and always.

The Ex-Files

Previously in one of my blog entries, I spoke on a married ex and his whole new relationship with me, and so I would like to update that first of all, and then I would like to talk about another ex. This entire entry will be focused completely on the "ex-files."
As discussed previously, I have an ex who is now married, but he has been calling me at work, leaving messages on myspace, and I am trying to avoid him. I know how important it is for me to let this ex and his new wife have a smooth life, and that is why I have been avoiding him. Everytime we talk or he calls my work, we only talk about us and what we once shared. His new thing is, that he would like to make me feel guilty, which happens even without his help. Finally, the other day I just told him that for a while we need to just not talk and go back to how it used to be. Why all of a sudden does he think he can call me and make amends? He wrote me an email that said, "You are Carrie from Sex and the City and I am Big." I was stunned... 2 min later, he calls my work phone. I informed him that Carrie and Big end up getting together, although Big was married to someone else. I then continued to explain that that would not happen to/for us. Trouble always seeks me out, seriously...?

If all that is not enough, I found out another ex has moved back to St. Louis from a northern state. I have not seen this particular ex in about 4 years, and he and I have spoken off and on. We have had some conversations about our relationship and what went wrong, but nothing has ever occurred and although he has spoke of going out on a date, we knew that would not happen since he lived too far away. In August, we talked and I have never spoken to him since because he was such a jerk to me that day on the phone. When I heard he moved to St. Louis, I freaked out, because I realize that I will be frequenting that area, plus considering moving back. I definitely do not want him to call me, much less live in the same area as me. Well two days later, I am online and he instant messages me, apologizing for his last conversation. We end up talking for 2 hours or so, and now he is super excited about me coming to St. Louis here in a few months. He wants to go out on dates, spend quality time with me, and I am already done. I was done with that relationship four years ago, when he walked out of my life.

What happens when a relationship goes bad, is that there is always a silent time. You don't speak, you don't really ask about them, it's the cut-off stage. People say their name and you just go on with life as if you had never heard that particular name before. Then comes the day, when they just call you up, pretend like everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I can't help but remember how both of these guys used me four years ago, how they are attempting to use me now. They don't even know me now, they are just assuming nothing has changed in the last 4 years, but everything has changed. Everything. I have more self-respect this time around, I have a better relationship with myself, and I expect more out of life than someone's leftovers. Who I once was, I no longer am. These two guys made a huge impact on my love life years ago, but they do not get a second chance to get close to me.

What if life was not full of second chances? Maybe we would not take the first chance of hurting someone, maybe we would be careful of their feelings, maybe, just maybe I would be happy now. Apparently I have a radar for those who want to just use someone, discard of them when they choose, and then act as if nothing was ever wrong. And apparently, I am a walking target for guys who choose to like me, but want to hide everything we share, and lie about it to their wives, best friends, etc. And it seems like a routine for me to "date" someone only to have our entire relationship be placed into oblivion, and when they feel like it they call years later to reconcile. No thank you... This time around I am not trying to add an extra name to the ex-files. I don't open those files, pull them out and go over the information within them. I don't look for an emergency contact number, and when I am lonely or bored, call them. Next time I am in a ex-file area, I will be sure to have my guard up to prevent myself from awkward situations and unnecessary conversations. And most importantly, I will be very careful to let those files stay private, it's better that way... avoid, cut off, forget and move on... what a fun journey this has been through the ex-files.

Dreams & Reality

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current dreams and present reality. There have been certain times in my life that when I do not allow myself to answer my own questions of reality, my dreams quote the answers. It seems as if I nightly fight against that which I dream. I hope beyond all hope that the same dream I have had repeatedly will not haunt me that particular night. I can’t remember the last time I had a restful night of sleep, one void of dreams. All I want is some peace, deep slumber and the absence of all dreams.

My dreams:

My dreams consist of the same characters, the same situation, the same exact setting. Matter of fact, I have created places and things that don’t exist in my dreams that I have found myself having déjà vu over. It has become so exasperating. I awake every morning with the same questions… is it over? Have those words been spoken? I glance quickly at my phone, and then sigh with frustration when I soon realize, it was all a dream. How can a person awake sad, isn’t the day before supposed to be erased? I begin every morning with my past, and somehow throughout the day, my present overrides it. Sometimes my own fear jolts me out of slumber, and then there are those moments when I awake in the middle of the night and my skin burns from touching him. Then reality sets in, and I instantly become angered, for I don’t think of that in my reality, only in my dreams. If realities are just dreams, then am I really mad or upset? If you forgive someone in your dreams, but you hate them when you awake, which one do you really want? Like right now for instance, I am saddened, but angry. Give me some sleep and I will be sad and lonely, I wonder if when we dream our facades are automatically stolen and our life as we don’t know it comes alive. It is something to ponder on.

My reality:

I am standing before the “throne of judgment.” I have spoken every word I have kept secret, and reveal every true feeling. I have persuaded, convinced and explained all motives, every happening. I cry from my frustrations and pull at my hair in desperation, pleading to end this madness. I can see the face of the judge in front of me, for a moment as I look into the judge’s eyes, I am at peace. I touch his hand, my heart stops for a moment, and then begin to beat contentedly, as I close my eyes. He sees all my tears and reaches up and wipes them with his fingertip, saying, “My child, rest easy, all is well.” I feel overwhelmed, someone understands, someone knows my heart, and my true feelings. I cannot hide, nor lie, He knows the path of every tear, and He places His arms around me, and holds me, protecting, shielding. I look at Him, and say, “Why does life bring these situations? It does not make me stronger, it causes doubt. It causes me not to trust, and you know how hurt I have been in the past, but yet hurt meets me again?” Then I hear His gentle words of reproach, reminding me of His subtle warnings. What else can I say? My head lies in His lap, weeping. But I don’t have to say a word, He has seen the tears quickly swept away, can see the heart so broken, and the trust stolen. He says… “Say it is well with my soul.” How can I say that when I want this and I regret that…? “Say it.” But You don’t understand, I can’t live like this anymore, I am alone, desolate… I. I. I. me…. It is well with my soul… Yes, Lord, it is well with my soul, and I know that you will do the healing.

The Right Man

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.

Broken

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

-Margaret Mitchell

Afterwhile...afterwhile

Lately, my life has become a complete roller coaster of emotions and random feelings. When trying to make new decisions that you know will eventually or immediately affect your future and your present time, you find yourself scared sometimes to venture out. There are certain things I need to do, but won't because I am unsure of what it will cause to happen. There are so many words that need to be voiced, but I can't bring myself to send the email. I have wrote the words, re-read it, and tried to decide upon its delivery. But just keep saving it into drafts. My question is, is it worth saying what you want to someone, who will never understand? Can you explain their wrongdoings, if they do no wrong? And can you make them understand the pain they have caused you, enough to hopefully change it? There are times I want to call my old friends up, and tell them all that I have been dying to reveal. Want to share all of my recent events, things that made me laugh, or affected me, yet they are not there. I feel as though I did everything I could have possibly done for them, but I am still treated as though I betrayed them, lied to them, etc. You do so much for certain people, that they begin to take advantage of you and then you turn around, and they have managed to "snuff" the very life out of you. They don't just take your money, your sanity, they attempt to take your dreams, your happiness, as if you didn't give them enough already.

I am still in the early stages of my new relationship status, and it is going well. But as mentioned before, I am now so careful with everything I say, or entrust to him. I want to believe that he will be wonderful, and stay beautiful, but how can I trust him? He has told me that he is "different" and that he would never hurt me, but I heard the last one say that too. I have put back all the walls that I had broke down for the last one, and now I have become so hardened to affection that I am almost completely unaffected by words and actions now. My only hope is that I will soon remember what is like to be truly loved. What it feels like to know that "he" thinks you are the most amazing person ever and that you can have the first good relationship in a while. We are just friends now, the conversation has turned to more, and now he is coming here to see me and we have plans to attend some events together. As said before in my previous blog, sometimes its the "moments" that seem so perfect. You don't care if it is only for one moment, because it is so amazing. And soon, all of this pain will come to end, and my heart will be whole again.

I have recently woke up in the middle of the night, reaching for hands that were never there. Have numerously awakened to find myself, sobbing because I realize that someone I used to love, I no longer love and he is gone. Someone once said, "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." This statement captivated me, spoke to me and relieved me all at the same time! I am too logical for my own good, and so I over-analyze everything. I have officially over-analyzed my last relationship to the point of exasperation. It's those days that I dream about him that are the hardest, but the best thing is, is that I have someone so much better now. This one makes me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and desired, but the funny thing is, is that I don't want him quite yet. Remember I am still throwing up the white flag of surrender and taking it easy. I cannot survive another bad relationship, will not tolerate another good for nothing, and this time around, I will be careful. But my only hope is that my soul mate is waiting for me... it makes all the brokenness begin to heal and what once was in pieces begins to become a whole. Soon I can help someone who needs to know that it won't hurt them afterwhile...

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!! Its official, I am 24 years old today, and I am absolutely loving it! Also apparently its the blogger sites birthday too, kinda weird? Huh? I have had so many phone calls, text messages, cards, roses, a beautiful lunch with a dear friend, went to an interview, got the job, and now, I will have to say that my heart for the first time in weeks is ecstatic! I am so unbelievably happy that I can barely contain it! Eeek!

The past couple of months since I moved from St. Louis to Yakima, Washington has been the hardest time of my life. I have been so confused, irritated, frustrated and alone. I kept asking God if I had misread where I was supposed to go? I could not understand why I could not get a job, could not understand why people I loved so much would desert me, and hence began a road that I hope to begin to look back on. My only hope was that I would soon get a job and my life here would officially begin. My whole life, I have been surrounded by people in every which way, and for the first time, I have actually been by myself. Now note, I have learned a lot about who I am, what I want, and all that, but after a while, you are sick of yourself. I am amazed that I can lie on my bed, listening to music for hours. I feel like I am 12 again! But now, I am given a chance to be myself in the work place again, and I give all the glory to God for making that possible.

I know that life gets discouraging along the way, but I never knew the loneliness that life could bring until now. It has definitely made me appreciate my friends, wherever they all are, and I am so thankful for each and everyone of them! I have been met lately with incredible disappointment, heartache that should not exist, and somehow, I am stronger. I don't understand that, but it is the truth! God had taken me down this road for a reason, maybe it was to teach me a couple of lessons, if so, then I am quite educated by now! This is not a very interesting post, but I am just so excited that I had to write. And besides, it's my birthday!