Realities and Dreams

Things I have discovered in the last year:

2010-07-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

~Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; instead it gives us an opportunity to forget

~No matter how much quiet time I have, I always desire more

~The road less traveled is dark and not very welcoming

~Most of the people I used to care about are now just a distant memory

~I’ve thought about blogging at least ten times, and am always too tired to think

~It’s true that you can go from being a social butterfly to being a quiet introvert, at least, until you are reunited with those that bring out your true colors

~My hate for talking on the phone has increased to the highest maximum

~My love for Apple products has increased too, and I am a Mac lover now

~Social networking is overrated and I wish to be free from it, maybe tomorrow

~No matter how good I pretend, sometimes my conscience resists

~The truth that dreams really aren’t our reality and this is good, because my dreams are painful

~I’ll never be truly happy until this one particular event takes place, and then I’ll consider it

~I don’t need friends to survive; I am perfectly fine alone, until I am scared

~In Bible College, I made a 3.1 GPA and in Grown-up College, I make a 4.0

~Someone lied when they said you can forgive, but you can’t forget

~The things I cared about the most are hidden, but they are still there, most definitely there

~True happiness comes from you, and what you decide is worth living for

~I don’t ask God repeatedly for blessings, I only ask on rare occasions for specific instructions

~Whoever said life goes on left out the part that to go on, you have to start a new life

~Sometimes I feel lost, but then I just realize that I have completely lost interest

~I’m through over-analyzing my future and my past, and my present is just a black and white movie playing over and over again

Destination: Louisville, KY

2009-07-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

I have officially been in Yakima, Washington for almost 2 years, and have finally decided it was time to move home. I would have never traded the experience I have gained by being here for anything. The ministry aspect at our home missions church, The Intersection Church has been literally irreplaceable. People skills, ministry minded situations and the teachings of a great pastor has equipped me into being a stronger minister of music. At college, we strived for perfection so much that we lost our focus on our anointing. God has taken me so far from where I was as a singer into being a minister for His glory. It would be very easy to stay here for a long time and continue to minister at the Intersection Church, but God has a different plan. These two years have caused me to grow up, take some responsibility for my actions, and decide what, when and where I am going to continue my life. I worked at a doctor's office here in Yakima, and achieved some great experience that I most certainly need in today's work field. So if everything is so perfect then why am I moving away from this supposed perfection?

My family.

My education.

My career.

My ministry.

His will

I've been away from my family for six whole years now, and I have completely lost touch with them and needed to re-establish some communication and closeness with them. My family has fallen away from the Lord, and I hope to bring them back to the truth as much as I can. I am extremely scared of going back to absolutely nothing. No friends, no job, no church, no ministry. It's quite overwhelming and sometimes I think, "Whoa, what am I doing?" But I believe some people stay in the same place and in their same comfort zone for far too long, and life just passes them by. They remain in the same situations, often looking for a way out. It would be easy for me to stay here, where everything is already planned out for me. But that is not the right plan for this season of my life. It's hard for me to understand the directions of God, they are not so easy to read sometimes and He leaves the decisions up to us. I'm nervous about being in the place I despised so much. Apprehensive about not having a church to help minister or be a part in. I can tell you that the devil has spoken his lies already, words such as, "You'll never find a church that will need you there." "Your ministry will be gone, you wont be singing anymore for any congregation, you will fall away from God so quick." And as soon as I hear that, I feel such an anger that he would continue to lie to me and discourage me, when I am trying to do something that I believe is God's will.

No, I don't know where the road will lead as far as churches and jobs, but I know that God is in control of my life, and He won't let me down. I am desiring to go into nursing, He will help me along the way, I am confident in that. There will be just the right church that needs me as much as I need them, and He will be the One who will provide that. There will come a job that is close to home, flexible and dependable, He is faithful to the faithful.

It is hard to leave a church family behind and a second family that has taken you under their wing for the last couple years, but I count it as a blessing to have met such wonderful people and to have had the opportunity of a lifetime in my hands. So as I leave Yakima, Washington in less than two days... I leave with a heavy heart, but one full of great memories and love. I look onto the horizon and I see a city, one that will maybe forever change the destination of my life once again. Onto Louisville, Kentucky...

Forecast: Chance of Rain 98%

2009-06-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

You know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours..." People everywhere for a long time have associated that with something that has happened at least once or twice in their personal lives. It seems like this year, it has been a continuous rainfall and hasn't completely became sunny in a long time. Life has not been horrible, so please, do not get me wrong. However, there have been more than a lifetime of moments, where you don't want to get out of bed the next day, or the sun is shining and you wished it was cloudy because you are so blue, or you are in a church service and you feel so completely desolate that you are almost unmoved. Those are the times I hate. I hate remembering, I hate certain songs, certain phrases, etc. All of a sudden, I have so much negativity that I am constantly walking around with a frown on my face without even noticing. People at work think I am quiet and laid back, my friends from college never hear from me... the once ever-so-loud mouthed girl has become a loner and a quiet thinker. It was a very random transition, and I'm not sure I like it.

It is inevitable that we all eventually, well rather hopefully, we grow up. My life changed drastically after leaving college in St. Louis and moving to Washington state. My social life took a massive plunge, my reason for existing became minute, and I found myself in this slump of my life. I've encouraged myself by saying, "You are just lonely, all of your friends are on the other side of the country, everything will work out in time." Through all of these times of loneliness, sadness, and hurt there have in turn been times of rejoicing with our home missions church and the great things God is doing there. To be used in ministry at a small church and to spend all of my spare time with another family, has been amazing and a blessing in itself. But in the middle of all of these mixtures of emotions, I was and am searching. Searching for the right place to be. Where my heart feels at home, like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Some people are able to create it, some ignore it, but I am searching so hard for it. That place to call home.

"Home is where the heart is," but if you don't know where your heart is, it's hard to pinpoint that exact location. In the past couple years, I have experienced enough false love, hurt, feelings of rejection, haunting dreams, and tears to last me for the rest of my life. There were so many times of true happiness that was soon followed with unbelievable sadness, times where God had to literally piece me back together again upon the path of following His will. Through all of this, I've had to learn to sing through every situation, to break through every obstacle and distraction that the enemy has put before me. There are days, like today, that I have no clue where I am going, but the only thing I know is, it must be great... I've been through too much to not have something good coming to me. I believe if we stay faithful to God, He will remain faithful to us. There were times that I yelled at Him and questioned His will, with my heart in my hands, I would surrender it back to Him. If I can't trust in God, whom can I trust? God is my Healer, my Comforter and my Deliverer. My prayer:

God, You know my every thought and intent of my heart. All around me people rise up against me, but You lift my head. When I am down and no one is there for me, You lift me up. When I've turned away from You, I feel Your sweet bidding to my heart. You hear the cry of Your servant, I desire to be closer to You than ever before. The adversary comes up against me daily, I pray that You will give me strength to not succumb to his lies. I've not lived this life for You to only have lived it in vain. Lord, I want to make a difference in someone's life as often as I can. Help me to be sensitive to Your call, help me to reach out to other's and not be so caught up in my life that everyone else just passes me by. Encourage me as I encourage others, break my heart for what breaks Yours. My ministry, it's Yours... my voice, Yours. I am but a messenger for You, dear Lord. Speak through me, use me, I pray. Lord, be my Vindicator... I release all those who have hurt me and every wrong done to me. I know that You are working on my behalf, that everything is for my good. Help me to be a witness to my family, their hearts have become hardened and cold. Only You can restore the years that the locust hath eaten, only You can make all things new. Replace the hurt that my mother feels from years before, show her Your love that is unconditional. She has lost all trust in anything and I pray that she finds trust in You. You can replace every hurt, restore everything that is broken and love like she has never been loved. I know my life is in Your hands, I trust You, Lord. I trust that You will replace the love that has been taken from me, you will restore my brokenness, and heal my heart. Thank You for Your love and compassion, it is never failing. You are truly a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thank You Lord.

The Silence of Broken Relationships

2009-03-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

I despise the times in our lives when we struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I hate when your phone rings and you jump to see if it is the person you desire to speak with the most. Or when you find yourself listening to an old voicemail just to hear them say I love you. And for me the worst is over-analyzing everything that went on... what went wrong... warning signs, trying to depict old text messages to better understand. It is no problem for me to admit that I cannot handle silence. I have a desperate need to talk things out. Even if we don't end up friends, I want to talk our problems out. Eventually you will, so why ignore them? I have been so unfortunate as to experience with the last two people I was involved with, a silence that is overbearing, tragic to me and have spent hours of analyzation.

I believe men are different than women when it comes to relationships. We want to talk it out, we want explanations, we desire to see their heart in it... but they don't like to offer that freely. And so we are left with the thousands of questions, the nights feeling alone all the while they have already replaced us. But one thing I am absolutely sure of... they don't forget anything. They might be able to push it far from their conscience but they are unable to block out all the words, the memories, and the wrong that they caused us. One person that we love is capable of healing up old wounds from a previous hurtful relationship, only to cause new pain and agony in the new relationship. And so the vicious cycle continues...

We give so much of ourselves in these failed relationships. We sacrifice time, sleep, money... and we simply sacrifice our love for the sake that someone will desire that love above all. We trust far too easy, in an attempt to find the one who is the most trustworthy. I don't love often, but when I do, I love deep. I have truly loved three guys in my entire life, and am not on speaking terms with any of them. They are the ones who know me the very best in the world, the ones who know my heart and soul... and they could careless what happens to me truly. I regret these relationships because they put such a bind on the person that is to come that truly is the one for me. Only two of those, would I have considered my One... both have walked slowly away, taking with them what could have been.

If we knew we would be hurt when we started into a new relationship, would we risk all the deep conversations into our personal life... would we tell them our intimate secrets... would we even attempt to build something if we knew it had no solid foundation. The answer is an obvious, no. It's pathetic that in this day and time, we cannot trust the person that we love so much. I realize that you have to give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt, but I can say this right now, I am unable to go through another failed relationship and have it dissolve before my eyes without an explanation and then eventually fall into silence. I literally do not have the strength to halfway be in a relationship, I don't want to tell anyone anything personal. I am learning a solid strength of silence within myself. If we don't truly love ourselves, who will... I firmly believe we must love ourselves before we can allow someone else to love us. If we love ourselves, we will be more careful with our intimate secrets and our levels of depth with a new prospective person.

I have known this pain before, it is very familiar to me, and so I know eventually it will cease. I am longing for the day when I feel like jumping out of bed with a renewed vigor for life. Each broken relationship takes a toll on your everyday life, especially when the person consumed every moment of those previous days. There are times that I say to God, "Seriously? Really? This isn't funny anymore." There are those times when God says, "I will replace the love that has been taken from you... I will restore you... wait on Me.... wait." And then silence... but His silence I am more patient with, because I know when He does speak to me, it's a promise that will never be broken and my relationship with Him is forever and always.

One Road

2009-01-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

How do you start explaining a life that you don't understand yourself? How do you explain the person you've become when the past flew by so quickly without a thought? It is official. For everyone that must know, know this... I am completely and utterly in love with the most wonderful man in the world. It's completely hysterical for me to look back on my past relationships and worries, and realize that the doors of that part of my life are completely closed with deadbolts on the doors. I am so completely enthralled with my relationship with him that he has done the unexpected... begin to heal the broken girl and to mend my dreams along with it. He doesn't even know that, we rarely speak of those left better unmentioned. There is no need to expound upon the past or to reflect. When I am with him, my mind is on one thing and one thing alone... the future. I've never known someone that could bring out my crazy, funny side and also my serious, spiritual side at the same time. Balance is what I've been searching for and balance is exactly what I got! It's true that if you wait for the right one and quit trying to mold someone into that perfect someone, that he will find you. He does not need any refining, does not need any changing, he is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

A good friend whom I respect very much told me lately, "It's funny how everything else just isn't as important as before, when you've met someone." That was of course re-stated, but the thought stayed with me. The little things in life seem little and the big things are just momentary, because you know that he is going to be right there to hold you and tell you everything will be absolutely okay and mean it. Does it ever seem like you have traveled down roads in your life, that led you to so many different destinations. You would think to yourself, is this the one? And in your heart you knew it wasn't, but you had nothing to compare it to, so you doubted your conscience. Or it's like a road that led you straight to someone that seemed so perfect for a while, but then hurt you deeply and you wonder if you could ever trust someone again? But amazingly, what I have found is that there is only one road in life and it leads straight to you... Am I completely gushing? Because I feel like it and I have no apology... :)

For all the women that are in between relationships, for the ones who have felt that deep burning for the right one in their heart, and for the ones who have been deeply hurt by the not so right one, know this... he is there. He really is, so unexpectedly, so surprisingly, and so beautifully there. Hopefully it will be the exact person, the one you have waited so patiently for, and the timing will be right. Please stay tuned... there will be updates...

I'm Thankful For...

2008-11-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

-the sound of laughter that warms my heart

- the closeness of friends

- the happiness that makes your cheeks hurt from smiling too much

- the sadness of a time gone past

- the memories of previous years

- protection on my family and friends

- the bustle of the holidays

- rosy cheeks in the cold, brisk air

- the proof of existence

- grace and mercy

- pecan pie

- for all the thorns in my life that have helped display the comfort of the Lord

- and for all the roses that give a depiction of new beginnings

- comments from old friends that you still love deeply

- the tears of regret that fall through a smile of success

- Christmas movies

- LOVE

- pumpkin scented candles

- Classic Christmas Music

- the truth that the holidays produce

- my mother

- my friends and family that are with me today

So thankful for everything that has been given to me...

Past=Passed

2008-11-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

I am aware that most likely no one will read this, because it has been so long since I've posted, however, I need to write this for me. I have no idea where to begin to pen all the thoughts racing through my mind today. For the last month or so, I have found that my past has really caught up with me, quickly. Moments, situations, relationships from my past have suddenly became a common daily occurrence, and it is really beginning to become a foolish game. I am amazed at how much I have changed in the last year and a half and then on the other hand, I am equally amazed at how much I haven't. People from my past have been miraculously appearing out of no where, flaunting their new lives, yet begging to be a part of mine again. And sometimes I cannot rationalize that these people, who had previously made such an impact in my past, have no future with me now. Either they have so much baggage that they are incapable of having a friendship, or are married and expect me to continue our "relationship" as if nothing has conspired in the last 10 years. I am amazed at the lack of faithfulness and consideration for the people involved in the lives of my past relationships. I am more amazed that people would just "assume" that I would pick up where we left off years ago and continue a forbidden relationship as if I have no conscience whatsoever. I cannot begin to express how done I am with all these past "whatevers" and everything they think they are bringing to the table. I am not interested, I am not second choice or second rate, my mind is not so warped that I would go into the very recesses of a past life for any form of gratification. Period.

Have you ever thought that people underestimate you? That when you are talked about you are considered to be a certain person, and that definition changes in whatever group you are in at the moment. So many people have this unbelievable idea of who I am and what I am about. I am not the same person I was in high school, I am definitely not the same person I was in college. You grow up and grow out of the things that you used to participate freely in, whatever they may be. People who think they can predict my next move in life, or can predict my reaction to a situation, is most certainly mislead. I deal with situations different, because I've learned from each of my thousands of mistakes. The mistakes I made last year, I refuse to make again. The mistakes that I participated in this year, I've already learned from and will be staying far from those. I am not predictable, so I wish people would just stop worrying about my life and the way I lead it.

For all of those, who think they have an idea of my feelings toward certain people and situations, know this, that the people you trust the most are the most untrustworthy people in existence. I have too long let the people who hurt me the most, back into my life, exclusively. However, I have learned that for now, the choice to try to reconcile was absolutely wrong. For far too long, I have excused and attempted to make amends, and now I am labeling it in the past or also know as "passed." I am amazed at the lack of class that some people exude and am even more amazed that at some point, I thought they were worth my time. Word of mouth somehow finds its way back to every person in the most round-a-bout way. And most of the time when it reaches the main subject, just know that the words have been twisted into oblivion. People think they are telling "friends" information, but what they are doing is telling me through another person. Thank you for your consideration of my feelings.

The past truly needs to be passed, and tomorrow I will not feel this way again. I have learned that the past is cluttered with anger and mistakes and we need to somehow get past that. If we dont bury the past, it will greatly affect our future. And then there comes a moment when we simply have to face the challenges in our lives and stop backing down, this is what I am doing. I am letting the past be passed...

Immortal Beloved

2008-06-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

Amongst the hurried rush for the women of America to see the Sex and the City movie, something different, outside of the normal, caught my attention. The letters written by Ludwig van Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved." Everywhere people have been asking about those love letters, I am amazed at the simplicity and beauty of the words. They are what I would consider somewhat like wedding vows, but they are letters. I have decided to put my favorite of the three letters on here. Enjoy the beauty and simplicity of written love.

The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7,Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine, ever mine, ever yours

The Music Within Me

2008-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

I remember when... the music that was in my soul was so loud, it deafened me. It released me from all my worries, it held my head high, comforted all woes, and created a being that was powerful within itself. The music that defined my life, you could stand beside me and hear the soulful refrains of my past, you could hear the pain, feel the joy, experience the life. Music. Music has guided me through life, it has paved roads that are inevitably going to be my future. There is a song for every capital moment, for every overwhelming sense of love, for each tear that fell steadily, there was a song. It was the song that awakened me from sleep, it was that song that kept me from sleep, it is the song that haunted my very thoughts in slumber. The song that defines me. It's the song that no one else can sing quite like me. The one that the "angels wish they could sing," it is personal, deep and mine. When all goes wrong, I sing this song, my fear is that I could possibly lose it. I could lose the music that I constantly hear and the play of my life would not be as interesting without its music.

I remember when I heard the music, and I remember... the day it stopped. It was the deafening silence that startled me, causing me to realize that the music had stopped. Everything seemed perfect and then I realized that the song given to me from birth wasnt playing anymore... my heart was not singing its melody. Darkness. Inevitable sadness and overwhelming fear. I remember closing my eyes against the rapidly approaching pain of discouragement, instead of being encouraged, I was desperate to hear its sweet melodies. Too late. Instead of my song, I heard the mockery, and was forced to listen to the voices that spoke of failure. How could I survive? How can I? I've not only destroyed many good things, I have forcibly pushed away the one thing I could call mine. The one ability to see past the darkness, the one reason to endure the hardships that life consistently brings, the one power that is ever present and encourages me to continue. It was taken advantage of, depended too much upon without any form of gratification, and was then stopped in mid-sentence, mid-life. Desperation. Fear. Uncontrollable sadness.

My song is the continuous anthem of dedication only sung to Him. It is NOT guaranteed, we can jeopardize that song so beautifully given. We can take advantage of something that is not truly ours and we can pretend its mine. But at the end of the day, that fear that it will be taken supercedes your apparent humility and true humility sets in. Its those words you speak only when no one else can hear you. It is the words of a promise that you have so skillfully hidden from the world for fear of rejection. It consists of a passion that exceeds any other goal in life, you can hear the absolute desperation of my soul when I sing my song. You can imagine the pain that life has brought my way, a past full of mistakes, inconsistencies and the hope that everything really will be okay. Why do we jeopardize it? Why do we play games around our anointing, threatening it... tempting it to leave? This is my song, my testimony, and my life... I will not allow myself or anyone else have the power to steal that from me. So when you hear me sing, it is not what you assume. There is no pride, there is no show off status, it is me. Me and the life that I have lived and currently live. It is the depiction of my life, every note, every word, is a simple depiction of a moment in my life, therefore, it is not for your ears to be impressed. My song and my music is for Him and for me... so that I can go on from here...

The Heart of the Matter

2008-03-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

After a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, I began to think of a new topic for my blog. I have spoke on this issue in some of the previous blogs, but I would like to expound upon it. I realize that in life we meet people, who make an impression on us, sometimes we have a connection, sometimes it is connection formed after being used to them and their company. You don’t find that connection with a lot of people so when you do, you are very protective of it and will desire it up above any previous and sometimes future relationships. It’s the connection that keeps you awake at night talking to them on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, (for those who do that) and it’s the connection that causes you to miss them even when they don’t want you anymore or they have purposefully hurt you. It’s a connection we long for… it’s that feeling that, for the moment you are with the person who completes you, even if it doesn’t last.

My question to my friend, during our conversation, was "when do we quit loving in just the moment and start loving for real? When we say we will be always be there, is it just for the moment or do we mean forever?" How many people have told you that they loved you, that they would always be there… no matter what? Then you look around, and they are not there, they do not care, & they do not love you…? When did our spoken word become so invaluable and just a commonality? I do not want anyone to tell me they love me, until they mean it with their whole heart. Like the; I love you, I will always be here no matter what kind of love, and really, truly mean it! I have had that connection once with someone… how heartbreaking it was to truly love only to have it made into a mockery of your emotions and of every memory. It’s like spending a significant amount of time with someone to be left with only memories, no words, nothing. How devastating that is…

Now I long for that love that is irreplaceable, not just in the moment, true, intimate, beautiful, exclusive and real. When you say I will always be there, please mean it and always be there. It’s time for us, especially me, to quit loving in the moment, to love with that forever love, to search for that connection, holding onto it and not letting go… Getting to the heart of the matter.

Cleaning Day, Lift Up the Rug

2008-02-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

Last year around this time I wrote about “Take the Line Down, Its Not Laundry Day.” However, today, I will write about Cleaning Day. There have been many different situations weighing on mind lately. Over the past year, I have experienced problems, people that have:

a. Caused significant grief
b. Hurt me inexplicably
c. Betrayed with words or actions

We can all testify that each year, we can basically remember a few names to put with the above categories. Some of these hurts and woes are minor and do not weigh heavy on us, but then there are other specific ones that do. In both of these situations, I did what I felt was the best action for me, which would be to cut them off. One group was doing the stalker actions and judging me wrongfully. The other I trusted with my whole heart and they took advantage of that and in the end, hurt me beyond words. I am one to put my wrongs in front of me and try to somehow find a right in it. I like to work out problems and situations, and contrary to popular belief, I am very approachable.

I cannot stand people who are in ministry who gossip about other people, but they never go to that person. I have done my share of that, believe me… but I always, and always go to a person if I have a problem with them. I don’t talk about them to my family and friends, I go to them. Isn’t that supposed to be our Christian service? What it comes down to, is that people who know nothing of me, are judging me, although their own faults are on display. They are a fake to my face and turn around and talk about me even to my closest friends. So I did what I thought was right, I attempted to talk it out. But all I was met with was lies, so that resulted in the cut off stage.

I don’t feel that when I cut someone off per se that they are forever cut off from me, but if I have made an attempt to fix a problem and it is shot down, then it is their responsibility to come to me. I will not give them even more fuel to burn their continuous gossip fires. But when it comes down to the end of the day, we can sweep all of our problems under the rug. I am good at that, I just vent for a day, and then sweep all my troubles underneath my trusty rug. I go on about my life, and have forgotten about all that I have hidden.

My other situation is completely different in its entirety. I experienced hurt like never before this past year. I looked through a book/journal that I wrote my thoughts in over the past year, and I was amazed at the words I had written. In the past year, I have had the best and the worst of times. I experienced consuming love for it to be turned to overwhelming sorrow of losing a friend. There were so many experiences and instances that are forever embedded in my mind and heart. I still feel like my time with this person was limited but there were thousands of memories that took place. Again in this situation, I cut him off. I can’t even imagine having a conversation with the person I used to call my best friend. You can effectively push someone so far out of mind and out of sight that you can literally not imagine sitting across from them again or beside them. Where there was complete comfort is now utter despise-ment. I am most certain it is both ways. It does confuse me though how people can change their feelings so quickly. So this situation including the other group situation, I have swept underneath the rug. This rug is my comfort zone… I hide everything so I don’t have to face it on a daily basis, so that I won’t see its inconsistencies and all the hurt and confusion. But sometimes, situations, words or perhaps an old song will bring those memories to surface and the rug is ripped up and all of a sudden whether you want to or not, it’s cleaning day. You have to address the problems you have so carefully hidden, because they ARE still there and they have NOT been resolved.

I hate cleaning day, I have to put the old clothes of yesterday on, and I have to deal with the problems and pray that tomorrow they can just be swept back under the good ol’ rug to be saved for the next cleaning day. Today is cleaning day for me, I am dealing with the problems I have so adequately hidden. I am saddened, but confident that everything is going to be alright. Today is cleaning day, but tomorrow everything will be absolutely okay. Forever and always.

The Ex-Files

2007-12-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Previously in one of my blog entries, I spoke on a married ex and his whole new relationship with me, and so I would like to update that first of all, and then I would like to talk about another ex. This entire entry will be focused completely on the "ex-files."
As discussed previously, I have an ex who is now married, but he has been calling me at work, leaving messages on myspace, and I am trying to avoid him. I know how important it is for me to let this ex and his new wife have a smooth life, and that is why I have been avoiding him. Everytime we talk or he calls my work, we only talk about us and what we once shared. His new thing is, that he would like to make me feel guilty, which happens even without his help. Finally, the other day I just told him that for a while we need to just not talk and go back to how it used to be. Why all of a sudden does he think he can call me and make amends? He wrote me an email that said, "You are Carrie from Sex and the City and I am Big." I was stunned... 2 min later, he calls my work phone. I informed him that Carrie and Big end up getting together, although Big was married to someone else. I then continued to explain that that would not happen to/for us. Trouble always seeks me out, seriously...?

If all that is not enough, I found out another ex has moved back to St. Louis from a northern state. I have not seen this particular ex in about 4 years, and he and I have spoken off and on. We have had some conversations about our relationship and what went wrong, but nothing has ever occurred and although he has spoke of going out on a date, we knew that would not happen since he lived too far away. In August, we talked and I have never spoken to him since because he was such a jerk to me that day on the phone. When I heard he moved to St. Louis, I freaked out, because I realize that I will be frequenting that area, plus considering moving back. I definitely do not want him to call me, much less live in the same area as me. Well two days later, I am online and he instant messages me, apologizing for his last conversation. We end up talking for 2 hours or so, and now he is super excited about me coming to St. Louis here in a few months. He wants to go out on dates, spend quality time with me, and I am already done. I was done with that relationship four years ago, when he walked out of my life.

What happens when a relationship goes bad, is that there is always a silent time. You don't speak, you don't really ask about them, it's the cut-off stage. People say their name and you just go on with life as if you had never heard that particular name before. Then comes the day, when they just call you up, pretend like everything is okay. Everything is not okay. I can't help but remember how both of these guys used me four years ago, how they are attempting to use me now. They don't even know me now, they are just assuming nothing has changed in the last 4 years, but everything has changed. Everything. I have more self-respect this time around, I have a better relationship with myself, and I expect more out of life than someone's leftovers. Who I once was, I no longer am. These two guys made a huge impact on my love life years ago, but they do not get a second chance to get close to me.

What if life was not full of second chances? Maybe we would not take the first chance of hurting someone, maybe we would be careful of their feelings, maybe, just maybe I would be happy now. Apparently I have a radar for those who want to just use someone, discard of them when they choose, and then act as if nothing was ever wrong. And apparently, I am a walking target for guys who choose to like me, but want to hide everything we share, and lie about it to their wives, best friends, etc. And it seems like a routine for me to "date" someone only to have our entire relationship be placed into oblivion, and when they feel like it they call years later to reconcile. No thank you... This time around I am not trying to add an extra name to the ex-files. I don't open those files, pull them out and go over the information within them. I don't look for an emergency contact number, and when I am lonely or bored, call them. Next time I am in a ex-file area, I will be sure to have my guard up to prevent myself from awkward situations and unnecessary conversations. And most importantly, I will be very careful to let those files stay private, it's better that way... avoid, cut off, forget and move on... what a fun journey this has been through the ex-files.

Dreams & Reality

2007-11-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current dreams and present reality. There have been certain times in my life that when I do not allow myself to answer my own questions of reality, my dreams quote the answers. It seems as if I nightly fight against that which I dream. I hope beyond all hope that the same dream I have had repeatedly will not haunt me that particular night. I can’t remember the last time I had a restful night of sleep, one void of dreams. All I want is some peace, deep slumber and the absence of all dreams.

My dreams:

My dreams consist of the same characters, the same situation, the same exact setting. Matter of fact, I have created places and things that don’t exist in my dreams that I have found myself having déjà vu over. It has become so exasperating. I awake every morning with the same questions… is it over? Have those words been spoken? I glance quickly at my phone, and then sigh with frustration when I soon realize, it was all a dream. How can a person awake sad, isn’t the day before supposed to be erased? I begin every morning with my past, and somehow throughout the day, my present overrides it. Sometimes my own fear jolts me out of slumber, and then there are those moments when I awake in the middle of the night and my skin burns from touching him. Then reality sets in, and I instantly become angered, for I don’t think of that in my reality, only in my dreams. If realities are just dreams, then am I really mad or upset? If you forgive someone in your dreams, but you hate them when you awake, which one do you really want? Like right now for instance, I am saddened, but angry. Give me some sleep and I will be sad and lonely, I wonder if when we dream our facades are automatically stolen and our life as we don’t know it comes alive. It is something to ponder on.

My reality:

I am standing before the “throne of judgment.” I have spoken every word I have kept secret, and reveal every true feeling. I have persuaded, convinced and explained all motives, every happening. I cry from my frustrations and pull at my hair in desperation, pleading to end this madness. I can see the face of the judge in front of me, for a moment as I look into the judge’s eyes, I am at peace. I touch his hand, my heart stops for a moment, and then begin to beat contentedly, as I close my eyes. He sees all my tears and reaches up and wipes them with his fingertip, saying, “My child, rest easy, all is well.” I feel overwhelmed, someone understands, someone knows my heart, and my true feelings. I cannot hide, nor lie, He knows the path of every tear, and He places His arms around me, and holds me, protecting, shielding. I look at Him, and say, “Why does life bring these situations? It does not make me stronger, it causes doubt. It causes me not to trust, and you know how hurt I have been in the past, but yet hurt meets me again?” Then I hear His gentle words of reproach, reminding me of His subtle warnings. What else can I say? My head lies in His lap, weeping. But I don’t have to say a word, He has seen the tears quickly swept away, can see the heart so broken, and the trust stolen. He says… “Say it is well with my soul.” How can I say that when I want this and I regret that…? “Say it.” But You don’t understand, I can’t live like this anymore, I am alone, desolate… I. I. I. me…. It is well with my soul… Yes, Lord, it is well with my soul, and I know that you will do the healing.

The Right Man

2007-10-10T14:10:00.001-07:00

As of late, my life has been pretty much full of routine and I have found myself wondering the time has gone. By the time the weekend is here, I am so tired and disgusted with my job that I wander around restlessly as if I know not what to do. I pretty much exercise, work, eat, and sleep. I love routines but this one is becoming a little too redundant for me, and is irritatingly mundane. The only time I think is moments like this, when I have a second to not have to think, but I find myself thinking harder in the silence. I am one of those people I try to push aside and hide my feelings concerning situations in my personal life. At work, I am not necessarily a happy-go-lucky person; definitely my dark side comes out here. I am officially fed up with entertaining everyone I meet, so in order to not have to do that, I just act normal, as if I have the possibility of being boring. One of my co-worker’s asked me a question the other day, she said, “How do you stay so focused and have so much control?” (She was talking about my current diet status) And I just laughed, but all of a sudden I realized that I was doing this because it will all be worth it the next time I see my arch-enemy. Every time I say no to something or just go to bed hungry, it will be worth it in the end.

Myspace can be a good thing, but also it can connect you to people you could have forgotten easily about. But because of the extensive emails and/or comments, you stay connected even if you don’t want to. The other day, an ex-lover of mine, who is now married, connected to me. I had not seen or heard from him in 3 years, it was more than random. A couple days ago, he wrote me an email asking what and how I am doing. So reluctantly I wrote him back, and that started a barrage of conversations. Before long, we had quickly begun to talk about us and all that we were. He went on to tell me how no one else is like him, but me. How what we had was good, the usual. And for a moment, I forgot… that he was married. And then it hits me, oh my gosh… The next morning by ten am, he had called me 2 xs and wrote me an email. I was like oh no! So we talked for the full hour I was on lunch break, I told him stories of what happened after him and he told me about his wedding, but something was missing. At one point I told him how one side of my mind is going back and picking up where we left off, and the other is flashing warning signs. We were always very open and honest with each other. We were one of those friends with benefits that we never liked each other, but all that we had was beautiful. He was caring, loving, but not mine. Matter of fact, he is the one, who made me decide that I would never again be with someone unless I love them and they love me. We would be wonderful together, me and this guy, but at the end of the day, we went our separate ways. As I talked to him on the phone, I realized I was overcompensating being dry and funny to disguise my feelings. My feelings, you ask? I felt like “Wow, he is happy, and look at me.” Or did I let go of that too fast? Or if we were so perfect together and no one understands him like me, why weren’t we together? I went back from that conversation, feeling lost and empty.

Where is the “right man?” I have seen the ups and downs of quite enough relationships; I refuse to be placed into another awkward situation that ends messy. And I refuse to fall for someone that truly doesn’t fall for me, even if they act like it. I have never been one to hope or depend upon that which is to come, but I just know that something good is on its way. I can feel it, I have seen it in my dreams, all I have to believe and reach for the unknown. Leaving behind all of my past hurt and failed relationships, casting aside all the promises that were broken, and believing that my soul mate is waiting for me. Waiting to love, and to heal all that the past has put upon me and to spend my future with. The Right Man.

Broken

2007-09-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”

-Margaret Mitchell

Afterwhile...afterwhile

2007-09-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Lately, my life has become a complete roller coaster of emotions and random feelings. When trying to make new decisions that you know will eventually or immediately affect your future and your present time, you find yourself scared sometimes to venture out. There are certain things I need to do, but won't because I am unsure of what it will cause to happen. There are so many words that need to be voiced, but I can't bring myself to send the email. I have wrote the words, re-read it, and tried to decide upon its delivery. But just keep saving it into drafts. My question is, is it worth saying what you want to someone, who will never understand? Can you explain their wrongdoings, if they do no wrong? And can you make them understand the pain they have caused you, enough to hopefully change it? There are times I want to call my old friends up, and tell them all that I have been dying to reveal. Want to share all of my recent events, things that made me laugh, or affected me, yet they are not there. I feel as though I did everything I could have possibly done for them, but I am still treated as though I betrayed them, lied to them, etc. You do so much for certain people, that they begin to take advantage of you and then you turn around, and they have managed to "snuff" the very life out of you. They don't just take your money, your sanity, they attempt to take your dreams, your happiness, as if you didn't give them enough already.

I am still in the early stages of my new relationship status, and it is going well. But as mentioned before, I am now so careful with everything I say, or entrust to him. I want to believe that he will be wonderful, and stay beautiful, but how can I trust him? He has told me that he is "different" and that he would never hurt me, but I heard the last one say that too. I have put back all the walls that I had broke down for the last one, and now I have become so hardened to affection that I am almost completely unaffected by words and actions now. My only hope is that I will soon remember what is like to be truly loved. What it feels like to know that "he" thinks you are the most amazing person ever and that you can have the first good relationship in a while. We are just friends now, the conversation has turned to more, and now he is coming here to see me and we have plans to attend some events together. As said before in my previous blog, sometimes its the "moments" that seem so perfect. You don't care if it is only for one moment, because it is so amazing. And soon, all of this pain will come to end, and my heart will be whole again.

I have recently woke up in the middle of the night, reaching for hands that were never there. Have numerously awakened to find myself, sobbing because I realize that someone I used to love, I no longer love and he is gone. Someone once said, "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." This statement captivated me, spoke to me and relieved me all at the same time! I am too logical for my own good, and so I over-analyze everything. I have officially over-analyzed my last relationship to the point of exasperation. It's those days that I dream about him that are the hardest, but the best thing is, is that I have someone so much better now. This one makes me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and desired, but the funny thing is, is that I don't want him quite yet. Remember I am still throwing up the white flag of surrender and taking it easy. I cannot survive another bad relationship, will not tolerate another good for nothing, and this time around, I will be careful. But my only hope is that my soul mate is waiting for me... it makes all the brokenness begin to heal and what once was in pieces begins to become a whole. Soon I can help someone who needs to know that it won't hurt them afterwhile...

Happy Birthday to me!!!

2007-08-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me!!! Its official, I am 24 years old today, and I am absolutely loving it! Also apparently its the blogger sites birthday too, kinda weird? Huh? I have had so many phone calls, text messages, cards, roses, a beautiful lunch with a dear friend, went to an interview, got the job, and now, I will have to say that my heart for the first time in weeks is ecstatic! I am so unbelievably happy that I can barely contain it! Eeek!

The past couple of months since I moved from St. Louis to Yakima, Washington has been the hardest time of my life. I have been so confused, irritated, frustrated and alone. I kept asking God if I had misread where I was supposed to go? I could not understand why I could not get a job, could not understand why people I loved so much would desert me, and hence began a road that I hope to begin to look back on. My only hope was that I would soon get a job and my life here would officially begin. My whole life, I have been surrounded by people in every which way, and for the first time, I have actually been by myself. Now note, I have learned a lot about who I am, what I want, and all that, but after a while, you are sick of yourself. I am amazed that I can lie on my bed, listening to music for hours. I feel like I am 12 again! But now, I am given a chance to be myself in the work place again, and I give all the glory to God for making that possible.

I know that life gets discouraging along the way, but I never knew the loneliness that life could bring until now. It has definitely made me appreciate my friends, wherever they all are, and I am so thankful for each and everyone of them! I have been met lately with incredible disappointment, heartache that should not exist, and somehow, I am stronger. I don't understand that, but it is the truth! God had taken me down this road for a reason, maybe it was to teach me a couple of lessons, if so, then I am quite educated by now! This is not a very interesting post, but I am just so excited that I had to write. And besides, it's my birthday!

Just a moment...

2007-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have had a chance or a subject to blog about, but today, I thought why not share with my limited readers an update in my life. Well I went to Youth Congress in Charlotte, NC, and it was amazing. I sang in front of the biggest crowd I have ever sang in front of, 17,000 estimated. Not going to lie, I was a bit nervous, but amazingly on the dvd, I do not seem like it at all. I never go to any such event with the hopes of meeting that special someone as most do. I meet so many people, but am never quite interested in them as far as an extensive relationship would go. Nevertheless, I met him.

Him. The guy every girl dreams of, the one who in an instant sweeps you off your feet. I met him and he immediately asked to get our picture taken, so I wrote him off as one of the young fans that frequently come up to me. The next night, I saw him again, and he told me he wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Which we did, until around daylight. I treated him just as I treated his friends, for I try to be no respecter of person's. It has been over a week, since we met and we have wrote each other more texts in that week, than I did in my entire last relationship. Imagine my surprise at this turn of events.

Well I have not been considering him really, because he is way too beautiful for me. He is the guy that every girl looks at, and would just like to have for at least a day. That kind of guy is not for me, because I will not fight for his attention. But I haven't had to fight at all, for some reason, he thinks of me as above him. Which works, because then I don't have to work too hard. He claims I am his favorite singer, the funniest person he has ever met, and I have heard all those before, but this time I want to believe it. We were texting last night, and he said he was tired and he was going to bed. So I just quit texting him, respecting his sleep. Ten minutes later, I get a text that says, "I can't sleep peacefully, until you tell me good night..." I stared at that text and thought wow. He impressed me at that very moment, something most of my past relationships never did. Wow. Wow is all I can say...

This is good for me, even if it doesn't work out, it is taking my mind off my past for a few weeks, long enough for me not to care anymore. He is not a rebound, because I could not begin to compare perfection to imperfections. Why does he have to be so innocent and so beautiful? He told me a couple nights ago, he wishes he could kiss me, and that the next time we are together we will do so. This gorgeous man is desiring to kiss me, and then he says, "I will have to practice, so I can impress you, because I know you are good." What I have wanted to hear for the past year, I heard in the last week! I invited him to go somewhere with me in the next couple of months, and it might happen, might not. Whatever happens between us, is fine. It might dwindle off here in the next couple of months, I could careless. Because all I know is that today, I feel wanted, beautiful, desirable, and finally, happy for a moment. And just a moment is good enough for me...

Within Reason

2007-07-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Two simple words: Within reason. Those two words are not so simple for my complex mind and personality. I am literally driving myself crazy with my own complexity. I have just started tanning again, and I am going to pretty much burn up my skin, because since I am currently pale, I have to go as long as I possibly am allowed. Instead of just taking baby steps back to my original color, I want it to be obtained immediately. I annoy myself, plus my skin is bright red... nice.

That's not the only thing I am doing without of reason, its like my mind accepts a challenge, but then I end up going past the challenge by like 15 steps, and now I am just tired. I don't have strength for this! I started out exercising 2 miles, now I am at 4, which I do everyday. I will not allow myself even a day off. And I am even considering doing the 4-mile walk 2 times each day next week, which (for all you slow mathematicians) is 8 miles in one day. That would be fine, if I was just walking but this program is intense. See, I can't just take it simple, I have to take it to the most extreme. So now I am doing that plus all these stomach exercises, and I have to tell you, I am sore. Tired and sore. But oh the joy that I am losing this, is amazing!!!

So as you can see, I have not been practicing reason lately. I cannot think of one thing I am doing within reason. I am going overboard on exercising, dieting, staying up too late, tanning, journal-ing, writing my memoirs, and I really need to take a break! I need to remember that it's okay to just slow down, and let life slip by a little slower. I think its that I am frustrated with being here in Washington with hardly any friends, and I am bored out of my mind. That could possibly be the main reason that I am not staying with a healthy, maintained edge of reason.

My new goal this week, until I leave for Youth Congress, is to take it easy. Results will be seen in due time, and going to sleep will rest my weary, little mind, so that I may stay within reason of my decisions to come.

Memory Box

2007-07-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were talking about situations in the past and how I could have changed the outcome or maybe how I overreacted to another. I have a photographic memory, and for some reasons, when I am sad or I feel alone, I conjure up some memories that will bring back a good feeling. I tend to dwell on memories that were picturesque or sentimental, because they usually made a major impact on my life at that time. Memories are beautiful... you can remember the kiss of someone you love, the hug of a close friend, the laughter of an amazing moment. I love to remember... I find such joy in remembering that which has past. But the past memories can also conjure up the hurt that followed it. As soon as your mind drifts to the first kiss, and your heart swells with nostalgia, you are almost instantly reminded of the first rejection as well. It literally crushes and expels the good memory. Same with the laughter between friends, you can distinctly remember the hurtful words displayed, along with remembering the good natured laugh that came soon after in hopes of smoothing over.

Another instance is when you relay a memory in the presence of someone else, and they immediately find the bad in yet another memory and your smile and laughter immediately dies. Sometimes as I am trying to go to sleep, I think of memories of those whom I have loved. Sometimes it makes my heart happy and content and other times memories invade your pleasant night dreams and you awake feeling discontented and full of regret. To be honest, it seems like I grasp for my good memories and cling to them. Cherish them, love and protect them. Always hoping to experience its equivalent again. But my conscience says, No, remember how you felt at this other moment, when you felt so alone and they weren't there. So instead of continuously dwelling on the not-so-memorable memories, you close the memory box, for it is too painful to be open for long. There are the days I open it up and gaze within its beauty and see only its good. Then there are those days that you open it with that intent, but only see the hurt and disappointment of yesterday. This, my dear readers, is how I feel. I need to close my memory box for a while... I am not properly extracting other memories and desires from my life. So to you, my beautiful, yet deadly memories, I will see you in but a moment, when I am stronger and not so susceptible to follow in the paths of yesterday...

Dear Dad:

2007-06-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,
On this Father's Day, this will be the only words spoken to you. You will never read them, and if you did, you would never understand them. I remember as a child you loving me, and hugging me, taking me shopping with you. Then suddenly everything changed, and you began to criticize and ridicule everything I did. From that point on, it was random blasts of temper, borderline abuse, and the absence of love. You would get mad and then come and apologize saying that you loved me, but soon I began to question the extent of your love. As a child, I would write in my little diary, everything that you said or did to hurt me, and even now, as I read back through those, my heart continues to ache. I would pray to God, begging Him to change you, so that we didn't always have to live like this. I would pray for my mother, because she could not live much longer like it was. But God chose to never change you; maybe it was because you chose to not let Him. Thus causing our lives to be hell every second that we spent with you.

You never believed in me... always told me I would never amount to anything. You loved when I sang, but always immediately discredited it, saying that I could not just depend on my own abilities. When I went away to Bible College, you expressed that your indecisiveness about it, but Mom won that battle and away I went. Everytime I came home for the holidays, you and I would fight continuously, as you told me I was wasting my time and my money. You never failed to tell me how you viewed me as a failure for going to Gateway. You told me that you even felt embarrassed when people asked where your daughter was, and you would have to admit that I was away at a Bible College. You said that it made you feel embarrassed and irritated that "your daughter" wasn't doing anything productive with her life. How encouraging to hear that, as I worked strenuously for my tuition, and tried to develop my ministry in God, and as I gained recognition, you just turned your back even farther from me.

Now as an adult, I still feel like a child, desperate for approval, and searching for love. I am scared to trust anyone, because I trusted you, and look what you have become. I run from love, because you always promised that you loved me, and now I am not even sure what love is? You have made me scared to believe, of success, of commitment, and of my chances of ever finding love. But somehow through all of your inconsistencies, I have grasped a strength in myself, which only comes from when people force it out of you. I know exactly what to do as an adult; I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes that you did. I know exactly how to love my future family, because of your inability to love ours. I will always give my family and myself to God, so that my children won't doubt God, because of my insensitivity. I will love them and others with such a passion and fervor, all because of you and your insufficiencies. So on this Father's Day, I want to say that you have made this little girl, become stronger and more dependent on her real Father. My Father, Who will never deny me, always loves me, and always believes in me.

My New Life: Washington

2007-06-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well I thought it would never happen, but here I am, sitting in Seattle with the mountains surrounding me, and the cool breeze drifting past me. But for some reason, all I can think of is, is the humid mid-west. It's probably because I have lived there for the last 24 years, and just moved extremely far away... hm? It is already so different out here, the traffic was crazy, the city is massive and the people are so special. But I have met some new UPC friends, and wow, I am amazed at how close we got in just a day! Plus I have my new boyfriend, Peyton here... he is amazing! And we went downtown and got pictures together at the Seattle Public Market. To get here from St. Louis, we traveled through Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon and then to Washington. It was seriously amazing... the mountains are unbelievable here in Washington. Some are snow capped and then some are just huge with fir trees. My personal favorite is when you can see the mountain with snow on it and at its base is a beautiful lake. It is seriously breathtaking!

Rachel and I are super excited about meeting all the new people and being as involved as we can in the district and our own church. We are going to a youth rally this weekend, and I was asked to sing, and so I am a little unsure of what to sing... But God has really blessed us already and Rach and I have been doing devotions together trying to establish a friendship grounded in the things that are most important. We have been exploring different areas in the Bible and really focusing on them and also we have been continuously chatting about our generation and the one that is after us. She has a huge burden for the high school students, where I have a burden for women. So we just exchange our burdens and talk about how to fulfill our callings, and it is so nice to actually converse about things that matter. Well thats all I have for now!!! Welcome to my new life in Washington!!!

Forever and Always

2007-05-23T22:55:00.001-07:00

I sit here trying to understand, trying to piece back together
A puzzle so confusing, and complex
How could you do this? How are you capable of such hurt?
You denied me; you left me with no shoulder to lean on
You turned away from me, when I was broken
Your promises have turned into lies that drip from your mouth
What was once love is now replaced with maliciousness?
I know not who you are, nor care to find out
For the last time you have taken my insecurities and
Distributed them to whom you desire
I’ve been made a fool, I laugh at my own calamity
I look at the proof of who we once were
And only see the lies of which it was made
For what we attempt to hide can develop a life of its own
It’s a life; I choose not to live any longer
You have not only caused me grief, but
Have prevented anyone else from knowing the real me
I have done myself an injustice, as you walk
Away justifying all that we were to better entertain
Soon you will have disappeared, but are not forgotten
Your grip has wrenched my very soul into a twisted
Character of mistrust and bitterness
I pray that God will hear my desperation for solitude
Grant me the peace and sanity that I am robbed of
If there is another opportunity to love another,
I will only see your face
As I reach out and slowly withdraw from fear, I
Will curse your very existence
When I finally do love again, I will cling to that which
Is right and perfect, not a fight, not a lie
And I will know I found the right man.
No betrayal, no discontent, no struggle
But perfect, just as it always will be.
Forever and always.

Chorale Tour 2007

2007-05-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

Officially we have been on chorale tour for a week now; I cannot even begin to tell all the stories that have transpired. All the crazy places we have stayed the night in, the repulsive food that people feed us or the annoyance of certain people on our tour bus. We have experienced God in ways that I had forgotten was possible. I found myself lying prostrate on the ground, humbled and weeping before the Lord. I felt so exhilarated after that particular service, because I realized that I had to be completely broken before Him to effectively minister to the people in the services. I prayed for 3 women that night, and God spoke through me to each of them. I heard myself speaking words of wisdom, encouragement, and blessing, that only God, Himself could actually have known. Afterwards, my heart was overwhelmed with the intensity of our services, and all I could do was close my eyes and thank God for His awesome presence.

So many times in my life, I realize that everything I do is pretty much on a wide screen tv for everyone to see. These people that we meet know who we are before we even get there, they have heard us, seen us, or know someone who knows us. It's crazy!!! After we sing and finish praying, so many people come up to me and shower me with their compliments and sometimes what they say is so genuine. It honestly touches my heart every time someone speaks something to be concerning my ministry. I cannot even begin to express how relieved I feel when someone confirms what I prayed over them or that my testimony somehow related to or touched them. And of course there are the people that compliment us on how well we sing, which is normal, but my favorite is when they act like we are celebrities! Ha! I love it!!! Some people are so absolutely amazing and then others so very special. But this chorale tour so far has been wonderful, and God is really blessing each and every one of us!

Passing the Torch/Hope of Tomorrow

2007-04-30T12:12:00.001-07:00

Today marks the last week of my tenure at Gateway, and I awoke this morning with feelings of apprehension and of nostalgia. I laid quietly on my bed, studying my room, full of boxes, clothes, shoes. I looked at my couch that I have had for three years and began to reminisce of all the moments that have taken place on it. No, not what you are thinking!!! Moments of happiness and plopping down on it after a day of recording, or barely making it to my room to fall on my couch and cry my little heart out. Sitting on it with like 10 girls and laughing hysterically into all hours of the night, and praying at it with one particular friend when searching for God's will in our lives.

I gazed around my room with blurred vision caused my pent up tears of what are soon to be good memories. I lived in that particular room for three long years of my life at Gateway and it holds such a special place. Never again will I hear my friends screaming down the hall at 3am, nor will random people come and knock incessantly on my door to tell me something, never will I be able to go out of room and walk next door and be with all the people I cherish so much. These hallways that I dreaded walking down now seem so wonderful, and I walk down it with my mind full of memories that took place. Every classroom, the library, the chapel, things I took for granted, have become deep for me. I look at all these people I have been going to school with, and I realize that I will not be sitting eating lunch, being obnoxious anymore. We are all going to be separated, moving on, and my heart is saddened.

If I leave anything, I want to leave the hope of tomorrow. Sometimes during my tenure here, there were times when I would literally have to hope that tomorrow would be better and that all my problems of today would soon pass. I remember countless times that I would call my mom and cry and be so frustrated and she would say, "Wait til tomorrow, it will be better tomorrow." And for some crazy reason, it usually was! There were so many times that I wanted to leave this place, was upset at people, or was disinterested. But now, now that I am for real leaving, I look back at my calamity and shake my head. God has taken me so much farther than I ever thought I could go, He has called me into ministry that no one even knows of yet, and He has blessed me tremendously in ways that I could never truly explain. The hope of tomorrow rests in His hands.

As I leave, I want to pass on my mantle or the torch of my generation. I want to leave behind the strength that only came from trials along this journey. I leave behind the talent that was derived from true humility. I pass the torch of anointing to someone who has learned the lessons of being a true, devout singer and realizing its not about us, but about Him. I give my ability to be so confident in all that I do, to the point that I have managed to convince most people that I have limited insecurities. (ha) I pass the torch of walking into a room and somehow gaining the attention of almost every single person to someone who feels inadequate in who they are as a person. From being here at Gateway, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, dependence, spiritual lessons, what I want in someone as a soul mate, discovered my true talents, was taught more than I could ever imagine about music, and how to love people unconditionally. I pass this legacy of my life, to whomever wants it. I do not promise that the road will be easy, but I do promise that you will not be alone. We always have the hope of tomorrow and the mantle of those who have gone before us.

Through Every Circumstance, I Will Succeed

2007-04-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

With everyday that passes, I become more and more consumed with my future and the paths I am choosing to walk down. I have been on the same road for four years now, and now my life is taking a new direction. I look around me, I remember all my mistakes, all my accomplishments, the great amount of friendships, all of my dreams that have come true, and the new dreams that are still yet to come to pass. With regret, I look at my failed relationships. I take a step back, and sigh with frustration at my decisions of late. Relationship=FAILURE. It was not by choice, the start of it, that is. This relationship was a friendship that involved confusion, wrong choices, supposed ideas, trust issues, mentally and emotionally straining, borderline tragedy, sometimes such a beautiful connection, amazing moments but with the wrong person. So now I am left with hundreds of I-told-you-so's, and the most frustrating sense of under-accomplishment ever known. Instead of investing my time and money on something that will be steadfast, I had to place all of my investments in something that was never there from the beginning.

Through all of this, I have learned... learned life lessons that I did not necessarily care to learn. I discovered that you can love someone and realize that you don't even understand the true meaning of love. I became aware that people can warn you, can prophesy to you, and yet you can still fall for the same mistakes. But through every circumstance that comes my way, through every obstacle, and past every fall off the pedestal, I WILL SUCCEED! I will accomplish all that I dream of; I am the person that I once was, the strong, independent woman full of dreams and expectations. No one can take my dreams from me; there is not one person who can bring my opinion down of myself to the point that I do not remember who I have become. Past all criticism, through each undue comment, I remain steadfast. Steadfast in being exactly who I have created myself to be. What is one of the most important lessons I have learned...? Through every circumstance, I will succeed...

It's Not Laundry Day... Take the Line Down

2007-03-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

So you ask, what does your title mean? Oh allow me... sit down, get comfortable, and if you prefer, get a glass of water because this conversation is a dry one. I will begin with stating the fact that my life as of late, has became an upheaval of many different emotions and previous emotional ties. Last week was a strange mix of new emotions, along with some that I care to not experience again. It seemed I was desperate for compassion, consideration, and commitment. And I was met with quite the opposite, and even after my cloudy mind had cleared, I was still met with the inconsistencies. I am very sure that I have never cried that much, never fought to find the good, or struggled to smooth over something that is so turbulent. But something did change, yet it wasn't what I was trying to morph. In the midst of all my adversity and frustration, I changed. Me. For a second, I saw myself the way everyone else does. I saw discontentment, confusion, weakness, stupidity, and most of all, I saw my problem. I realized that sometimes in life, we love people differently than they love us. And no, that does not mean that we want to date someone and they don't want to date us, because that is not the case in this situation at all. Instead, we love people different. We show them our love through different areas. I show how much I love someone by: Emotional ties, physical attention, giving, compassion, patience, always believing and not judging. Is this necessarily all healthy aspects? No. But this is who I am. I am sick of being what people assume I am, people who know of me, and make wrongful assumptions concerning my morale. If you don't like me... too bad. Go away; I don't need your accusations, your criticism, or your approval. I am completely sick of the people who "know" you and have an opinion about you and your relationships. They try to compare you to themselves, but WE are different. My end result will still be determined, you already have yours.

After that moment, I will address laundry day. I cannot express to you readers how absolutely fed up I am of lines of propriety, lines of relationships, lines of friendships, and lines in life. Hence "It's not laundry day... take the line down." This statement came out as I spoke to one of my close girlfriends, and we laughed, but it was so true. People around me, put up all these lines, and when its convenient for them, the lines fall down immediately. Moment over. Lines resurrect and then the blame comes. I am like... really? What am I left with besides a resurrected line, is the feeling of insecurity and frustration. There are lines surrounding my actions and my words, who determines when they are to fall down? Apparently not me. I *pointing finger at chest* am not a hypocrite. What happened to me, is that, they tore down all these lines I had put up for so long, so many walls that surrounded me. Here's the difference. They are still torn down; I didn't build them back up as soon as I was hurt or confused. And even with lines, sometimes we are so good at staying true to them, but our heart desires something else. What I have learned is that what I desire or attempt to hide can develop a life of its own, creating a very confused state of mind. Desire is equivalent to actions in some cases. I have become so protective of myself now, its dangerous. You might think you have me all figured out, and you know what I want and who I am. But um... that just means, watch out, there is something new coming at you. So officially, I am completely through with all the lines, all the useless comparisons and the meaningless emotions. Guess what? It's not laundry day... take the line down!

Wrong From the Beginning

2007-03-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

For the last few days, I have wanted to blog, but was unsure of how to begin... sometimes words do not form so easy the words that your heart is speaking. I have been at the far end of happiness and then the complete opposite to the end of complete desolation over the past week or so. I cannot even begin to express how fed up I am with transitions in my life. As soon as I assume I have it into place, people change, and then I have to uproot my comfort zone and start all over again. Note to readers: I am sensitive. Yes, I do have feelings and no I am not always happy concerning others opinions about me and the way that I live my life. There are so many different aspects of the act of a broken heart. You can still be right beside them, so close, and your heart can be breaking in the process. I am tired of massaging life back into my worn out heart... completely devastated by their words and their transitions. All I ask for is stability, and I am just met with insecurities and secretive innocence.

Does our life ever stop for a second so I can catch my breath? I remember being such a strong person and now that I have encountered different new aspects of my life, I am so much weaker than I used to be. I don't remember ever crying this much, ever clutching my hand to my chest, because my heart literally hurts. I feel that I have been searching frantically for something, reaching out in desperate attempts to attain something that was never mine in the beginning. There are some things in life that we try to make happen when we should have never even given it a second thought. Someone who is not really even in direct contact with my life at this present time, called and said, "I feel that you have given your heart to someone who didn't even want it in the first place, and you gave it to someone who was wrong from the very beginning." My life that I had just mended and bandaged up a week before, came crashing down, breaking and crushing me again. Needless to say, I am devastated, and am honestly trying to decipher all that they said to me. I need to piece it together, so that I can pick up all these broken pieces of my heart and figure out what went wrong. That statement has literally crushed me... and I am so confused and so over-evaluating everything, it's ridiculous.

"Wrong from the beginning." How many times have we attempted to make perfect sense of a situation or relationship? How often have we loved and made ourselves love someone? How many more times will we allow our hearts to be broken before we learn the logistics of this nightmare? Our hearts tell such a lie... we have heard our whole lives, follow your heart. I am here to testify to NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! It really will lie to you and lead you down the path of mass destruction. What is the only solution? Listen to the voice of God, He will truly show us His Will for our lives. When we listen to our heart, we lose our focus. We completely forget all that we have wanted for our lives, and we substitute our happiness for this messed up idea of love. I do not want something that is wrong from the beginning anymore, I want something that is in the perfect will of God from the start. I refuse to create an avenue of supposed perfection for someone anymore. Instead I choose, stability and true love, the love I have never found quite yet...

No Strings Attached

2007-02-14T09:37:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is so cliche... yes I know... everyone around me is so excited about candy, roses, kisses. I stand back with a smirk on my face, not wanting to even be a part of this day. I would rather lay in my bed all day, listening to music, being alone. I am used to being alone, and love the solitude of being by myself. Someone asked me yesterday if I ever am so sick of love because it hurts so bad? But then they went on to say, that yet they could not live without love. It made me realize, that I have been trying to define love as something that everyone else thinks it is... but love in my mind is different. Love is being comfortable, being able to cry, and most of all, being able to lay on the floor and talk without strings attached. With no supposed, cliche idea of what love is. Love is not physical, its not complicated, its shared between true friends. I love so many people... but there is a love that is only for a few, which is something I desire to keep and strive to strengthen it. I love my idea of love... its not a marriage love, its not a dating love. Its a I'm-always-going-to-be-here love. Its steadfast, with cords that are stronger than any other. Its an unspoken word of contentment, and the peace of a simple act. It causes all my trust issues to disappear for a moment, and it causes me to believe in the act of true and devout friendship. Its not something that I can efficiently explain, its just real. I desire realness in my life, in more areas than ever. If you think you can explain it, you are wrong... its unexplainable. Its a mutual agreement between friends that no one can drive apart or attempt to change. Its just us... No strings attached...

Statement of Today

2007-02-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am trying to remember the time that I slept peacefully. Slept without the worries of tomorrow and the memories of the day gone by. I wake up reaching out for something that will never be there. My dreams are made up of inconsistencies. My dreams are haunted by my fear of the future. I am doing nothing to further my own future because I am so caught up in moments that are barely efficient for today, much less for the next minute. For the past few mornings, I have woken up early, and as soon as I focus for a second, my heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anger. I hate being alone, because as soon as I am alone, I am filled with regret and maliciousness.

Lately, I have found myself surrounding myself with people, more than ever, and acting crazy, in desperate attempts to convince myself that I am truly happy. I have been listening to this old song by Mariah Carey that says, "She smiles through a thousand tears, and harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she could never be, she wades in insecurities. And hides herself inside of me." My mind is so cloudy and I desire a night of true rest. I do not want anymore dreams, I do not want anymore memories. My eyes remain dry, but my heart sheds all tears. My hands reach out, yet they are tied with cords of protection. I cast my eyes down, but look over my shoulder at what could have been, what has not been even through all my pretending. My statement for today is: "My heart believed a lie, but now it knows the truth, and it will never trust again."

First Week of Last Semester

2007-01-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

This is officially the first week of last semester at Gateway College of Evangelism... what an amazing experience it has been. I can hardly believe I have been here for four years, when I was supposed to stay for one. I cannot believe I have met so many wonderful people, experienced so many extraordinary opportunities, and accomplished my dreams, fulfilling my extreme passion for music. I am so afraid of what is outside of my comfort zone, now that I have only been living this life inside these walls. Its my last time to help with chorale try-outs, with everyone trying to listen at the doors. It was my last time already to help people with their try-outs prior to... and I have loved helping people for these years! I have such a passion for that, and will honestly miss it!

One thing I will not miss, is the senseless drama of Bible College. There are times I cannot even talk to certain friends without my other friends getting upset. I seriously feel that I am in highschool! Since when did the cool people dictate necessarily who else is cool and/or not cool? I can't talk to some people without my other friends getting irritated and drawing their own conclusions. This aspect I most definitely will not miss. I am officially a ringleader of a group of people, who are in retrospect, musicians or singers. That kind of a group is exactly my cup of tea. But that does not mean, that if someone else is not up to par, that I am not their friend. There was a time in my life, when I was no one... not very talented... and just an outsider. Now that I am older, its changed, but there is always a group that you will not mesh well with.

I realize that my group of friends are funny, talented, fashionable, classy/trendy, but I also realize that...we are negative, exclusive, stuck-up, and not as cool as we think we are outside of our own little world. That puts a damper on our confidence! It has taken someone to tell me all of that, to make me realize how shallow I truly can be. I refuse to be known during my last semester, as someone who only hung out with my little clique. I want to be comfortable with everyone... be able to hold a true conversation with every person in this school, talented, in style, or not. I realize my friends are out of control crazy and I respect that, because I am that way as well. I do hate hearing the statement.... "You made us this way..." Gosh! I made some massive mistakes then! Hahhaha! Well anyways for all my friends that read this... I love you and appreciate you... and this is a random day!

I Am the Official Procrastinator

2006-12-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

So officially I am the official procrastinator... I have done ZERO Christmas shopping... and tomorrow Rach and I are going to many different places, that includes the Galleria, West County.. etc. I don't know why I just do not attempt to shop prior to the last 3 possible shopping days. I don't know what it is about Christmas this year. I have not listened to Christmas music, have not participated in hardly any festivities, and I feel quite empty. Because in 5 days, Christmas will have come and gone, and I have crammed the most amazingly important holiday into 3 days. I am not even going home until Saturday now... and my little 7 year old brother is so excited! He does not understand I despise coming home, and it's not because of him. Quite the contrary.

It seems like every year, I rush through Christmas and the day after, I feel so incomplete. So if for some reason, I seem that I have been disinterested or not-so-happy, I apologize. I am so selfish, and cannot seem to focus on anything but myself and my own day to day problems. I have so many plans for the next few months. I am preparing for my huge move to Washington and my mind is past Christmas. Past the fact that Jesus sacrificed himself for me. Past the miracle of the birth of a child to a virgin. And even past the joy and love with my family. Wow... what a nostalgic mood! Good thing is, tomorrow I am going Christmas shopping. Listening to Christmas music. Get a pix with Santa. Go tanning. Get a pedicure. And enjoy myself, instead of burdening myself with the complexities of the next day.

Note to self: Enjoy the holidays. Don't rush through it all, sit down, watch your family...watch the joy that comes from above. Gaze absentmindedly into the Christmas tree; it is magical. Make a mess in the kitchen making homemade cookies. Hug your family members, even more than you would want to, like it is the last time. Sit back and enjoy their love, bask in the comfort of family and most importantly, stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving for all is well...

Confused

2006-12-14T02:06:00.000-08:00

I am so confused today... finals are officially over. But I am still up at four am and I am so sleepy but my sleep patterns are so off. Not only that I have been performing in an ongoing battle with two different groups of friends. Well except one group is all against one person. In essence, all these people are against this one person that I continue to associate with, against my better judgment and future peace and happiness. I have come to the realization that I have seriously been presenting myself as a fool. I have made some exceptions for some people and have purposefully made excuses for them, hoping and believing that they would prove true in the end. And what has happened you ask?

Well let me explain... now the cause that I put all my faith in, has done exactly what I warned myself against. I opened up every door to my soul, broke down all the walls I had carefully built in order to protect me. It seems like that before they got to know me, they would ask people about me, questioning my character, my life decisions. So then began the process of trying to get to know me. They would strive diligently to capture my attention and all of it. Once they gained that position, things began to change. Now they don't want to be around me, now they take advantage of what they once envied.

I cannot deal with this... ugh. I am seriously so confused right now. Everyone is saying for me to end this, to not participate in the madness. Me, the queen of dryness and cuts, cannot do what I have taught and shown so many people to do. The followers cannot believe this... they question my abilities and my true feelings. I question myself. Why do I continue to live this life full of worry, regret, and coaxing. This is not me. I need to remember that I am a strong, powerful woman. That who I am, was not formed overnight, but has been a life process that was not given to me, but earned. I can't make any more excuses for you. I cannot continue to block out all the negativity. Its not control you desire, but instead you are using me for your own pleasure, to gain positions and titles. You are on your own. I have not a place for you anymore.

If

2006-12-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

*If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, just let me fall. If you're going to stay, stay forever. If you want to leave, do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk to me, mean what you say*

Worldly Dreams/Spiritual Reality

2006-11-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

Lately is seems that a main focal point in my life, concerns my dreams, the ones that I had many years ago, yet it seems that I have escaped or simply ignored them. It's not that we do not believe that they will come to pass, instead it is the simple fact that we forget and replace it with our realities of today. My dreams for my life are so complex and I have realized that I have been settling for less. I want to be in ministry as I am now, but I also want to fulfil my other dreams that I have pushed aside for the last four years.

My music director spoke on dreams the other day in class, and some of the points he made were very efficient. I do not want to forget the dreams, the visions that God has given me. I do not want to settle for less and continue to live a life that is normal. I want to live above reproach, I want to be successful in the spiritual and physical world. Today's Pentecostal society has so many "called servants" and yet there are just a handful of actual successful people. A huge majority are preachers, preacher's wives, working low-end jobs, Bible college students. But there is more to life than that! What happened to Pentecostal doctors, nurse practitioners, lawyers, CEO's, ...? There is more to our callings, than living a life separate from the world. Preachers and their wives are wonderful and some are called specifically to that, but for those who aren't and use it as a crutch for lazy ministry is not acceptable.

My dream was to be exactly who I am right now, as far as voice and music goes. I am completely satisfied with that aspect. But I feel so unaccomplished because a long time ago, God called me to yet another avenue. He called me to the medical field... But the amazing thing is, is that I can use what I gained at Gateway for four years and transition into a medical degree. At that point, I will have accomplished success in both worlds! I do not want to be just another singer, who went to Bible College, who is working at an $11.00/hr job for the rest of my life. Its not all about money, but it is about success in a way. Not that I think I am better than anyone else, but I do not want to be stereotyped as the typical Pentecostal. Ugh.

This blog could be controversial, but I am okay with that option as well. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and this is mine on the dreams of yesterday, the hopes of tomorrow and the redundancy of our movement.

The Love of a Father

2006-11-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, I have always been afraid of love. Afraid of the consequences of my own actions and the absence of trust in my heart. Every girl desires to be in love, longs for someone to want them and strives to give all they are to one person. Sounds like an easy process. Nevertheless, what happens is, we (women) have trust issues and the opposite sex fights their way into our protected hearts...only to do that which we are most scared of. Its like you finally allow someone to become a part of your secrets, your humor, and your dreams, for them to neglect you.

I am so absolutely through with this process of trusting, becoming hurt, forgiving, attempting to trust again, only to be hurt over and over. That is why women today are labeled as weak individuals, when really its the fact that men have some sort of obsession with easing our guards down, just to see us break and then blame us for our vulneriblity. Of course, we are vulnerable. We are human beings, in search of the perfect friend, the love of our lives. Unfortunately, what we find is the absence of all couth, the extraordinary ability to bring unbelievable pain and this amazing way of making it our fault.

When this come downs to the point, my problem with the whole "fall in love and life will be perfect motif" is the fact that I have watched my parents for 23 years, only to see the complete absence of love. I have been raised by a man, who never really loved me. Never believed in me, always told me I would never amount to anything. As a young child/adult, I remember my life being filled with so much regret, hopes of getting out and fear for my younger siblings. I feel that I almost did not make it through it. I would cry out to God at night and beg for Him to change my dad, for him to make the life I lived, not be so bad. He never did. I left for college and now my dad is the same way to my younger sister. How long will this last?

Hatred has become a regularity. Sometimes I will awake in the night, crying...why you ask? I don't know... I awake feeling so lost and alone. I cannot allow myself to love anyone for fear they will end up being like him. I am incapable of having children for fear that I will attain this generational curse from my father. I crave the love that is only given from a Father... my father will never love me, never care and never be proud of me. But my Father, my Real One... He has given love when I am so alone... He has comforted me, when I could not see my way out of situations. Its the Love of the Father that provides a life for us to live when we do not want to live anymore... thank You, Lord for the love that You show me...thank You, for Your Favor, although I will never deserve it

Taking Over Me

2006-11-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

"Taking Over Me"

You don't remember me, but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
and dream I do...

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Have you forgotten all I know
and all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me

I look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
So many things inside that are just like you, are taking over

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Taking over me
You're taking over me
Taking over me
Taking over me

The Beginning

2006-11-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

How nostalgic it is to begin a new obsession with yet another mindless internet fiasco. Its these blogs, the first few ones, that you go back and read. And as you read you reminisce, remembering where you wrote it, the position of life, the attitude upon writing it. Never has there been a better time than today to begin this. I guess, reluctantly, I will have to spill the news to my friends, who then will begin to frequent my most innermost thoughts. Sigh.

How life progresses, and how fast in which it allows meaningless issues to be so deep to me. This week has been the absolute week from hell. So many different emotions: Confusion, anger, unbelievable hurt, regret, pain, extreme laughing to replace the threat of tears, movies that confuse me, a look that struck my heart, words said that were said with such brokeneness, insecurity, alone, overwhelmed, obsessed, bored with my life, and finally, broken before God, whom I realize is my only Hope.

Sometimes I appease myself into believing, I am oh so strong. And then a misfit will grasp my entire world and shake it, until I am, but a mere piece of my strength. I never cry, unless I am so desperately alone or in my mood of nostalgia, but this week.... the Great Christina became the shell of herself. I have not cried that hard since someone ripped my complete heart out of my chest with their bare hands. It seems like that for so long, I have been in futile attempts to reconstruct my broken heart. Trying to piece back together, all that has been stolen from me.

My past catches up with me, at least every other day. It haunts me, taunting me, begging for my return. I cry out to God from deep within my soul, asking for strength that I know only comes from Him. At night, my mind is obsessed with individuals, or situations to where I wake up unrested and clouded. I fear rejection; I despise those who come at me with their mocking attempts at being my friend. I remember feeling so inadequate when I was younger, and now as I am older, I have developed my talents, my abilities, my personality and I am happy with all of those issues. But the feelings of inadequacy still haunt me, chasing away my peaceful slumber with the pressing thoughts of tomorrow and my incapabilities. Some people see me as someone who would have hidden insecurities, no, instead I will show you my insecurity (just one) if you are at all close to me. I do not fear the revealing of innermost, but I do fear that you will take advantage of it. Like so many others...

The act of meeting new people is so redundant for me, now that I have been at Bible College for four years... I have met so many people, too many people know who I am... I feel like I cant hide. If I stumble, they will be right there to question my fall. I try to choose my friends wisely, but lately, have realized that I have become too transparent and way too emotional. So many walls surround my heart, and then there are those random people I decide to take a chance on, against what others say: only to find myself listening to "I told you so" and the feeling of the wrong choice weighing upon me, yet again. Why when someone bares their soul to you, do you continue your games and prey upon them? When someone opens their heart to me, I feel such a kindred spirit with them. I desire to know them better, to laugh and to cry about our memories, our pasts. Instead, I am once again faced with the darkened position of vulneribility. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. If there is anything I hate it is to be vulnerable... I am not vulnerable now, I am looking back at my weakness and stand in awe. Not again, never again. No more power do they have.