How do you find happiness again after losing the one you love to a breakup?
I’ve often heard it said that a break-up is like a death, and for those who have experienced the death of a love then I apologize as I know it is not the same. However, the way we treat a true ending of a relationship, is often like the ending of a life together. The heartbreak, the memories, the walking around the store aimlessly and breaking down at the smallest memory, the triggers, the pain, the constant blips of hope only for those to be quickly dissipated. It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for a month, three months, five years or twenty-five years, each person that experiences a break-up with someone they planned a life with or had one with, ultimately experiences a death of themselves and that love.
For me, it was so quick and three months of whirlwind love and romance with every perfect word spoken, every dream dreamed, and every plan planned. I was astounded that I could find such happiness with the person, who was my true soul mate. We would both sit and wonder how blessed we were to be together after our less than blessed pasts, and muse that most people never get a chance to feel this type of love that we shared. People in public at restaurants, malls, wherever would look at us and laugh with us because it was completely obvious that we were undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy. So you ask, how do you go from being “undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy” to feeling “lost, hopeless, and alone?” The answer is unclear even to me. I know why he and I broke up, but the feelings, the happiness, the “rightness,” the God thing; the everything else makes my head spin.
I’ve hidden every present from him, the card, (minus my purse because I love it too much) and anything with his handwriting. It’s still painful to see the 300+ pictures of us on my phone, or the single pictures of him, he didn’t even know I took of him standing somewhere or walking towards me. He hated my need for pictures, but always obliged which I am still grateful for. I have one video of him, and I’ve only allowed myself to watch it once but his voice, oh that voice, it leveled me. If I knew the last time I kissed him would be the last time, I would’ve never let him leave; I would’ve never let him stop. Well not that I’d have a choice, but theoretically. I never thought I’d not hear his gorgeous voice say I love you anymore, but it’s gone, and it’s an awful feeling.
He honestly did what he thought he had to. He is broken, I am broken. Okay, I am way more emotional, so you know that I am way more dramatic and broken. I’ll have a good day where I am remembering how to be happy without him, and then I’ll breakdown from one trigger that I thought was hidden away or maybe just a simple memory, and the fact that our life we planned is gone. How do you rebuild a life again? How do you even think about loving someone again when the person you love is still out there, living, working, right there, but unobtainable? How do you readjust to your old life when you planned a new one and were living it?
What do you do when his half of his family is telling you to run and the other half is begging you to hold on? Your friends are telling you to cut it off and never look back? Your mother is saying let go and quit being stupid. But your heart is following him around like a little puppy, just wanting to be loved and wanting to be held. I have enough details, enough pain, enough answers and revelation to run as far as possible. But it was HIM. He was my one, but what if he’s not. What if I was mistaken? What if my one is really out there, and I made a huge mistake, but everything felt right? It’s hard to believe that you can really click with someone on every little aspect only to have it taken from you. How do you like all the same music, all the same things, have similar family issues, the same ministries, the same singing voices, eat the same little portions and share every meal, he does everything that I love like reprimanding me for being a brat, and then chasing me when I’m brattier, or trailing his fingers on my hands in the car because he knows I love to be touched, and making me say I love you and give him a kiss when I get irritable for no reason. He gets me, and I think that’s the hardest part of this. Putting aside everything I know about him, and everything he knows about me, we fell in love in a truly hopeless place. Was it the right time? No. Was it the perfect situation? No. He said over and over that 2018 was our year for happiness because it had been so long since we were happy. Here we are 31 days into 2018, and I am the furthest thing from happy. I’m experiencing the death of a relationship with who I thought was my soul mate, and trying to pick up my exhausted heart and trust God that He will love me back to life again.
PS. I haven't wrote on this blog in 8 years, and I scrolled down and saw a post about the same guy from 2009, called One Road, right before he broke my heart all those years ago too. It was good for me to see how similar this was again. Dry laugh.
