You know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours..." People everywhere for a long time have associated that with something that has happened at least once or twice in their personal lives. It seems like this year, it has been a continuous rainfall and hasn't completely became sunny in a long time. Life has not been horrible, so please, do not get me wrong. However, there have been more than a lifetime of moments, where you don't want to get out of bed the next day, or the sun is shining and you wished it was cloudy because you are so blue, or you are in a church service and you feel so completely desolate that you are almost unmoved. Those are the times I hate. I hate remembering, I hate certain songs, certain phrases, etc. All of a sudden, I have so much negativity that I am constantly walking around with a frown on my face without even noticing. People at work think I am quiet and laid back, my friends from college never hear from me... the once ever-so-loud mouthed girl has become a loner and a quiet thinker. It was a very random transition, and I'm not sure I like it.
It is inevitable that we all eventually, well rather hopefully, we grow up. My life changed drastically after leaving college in St. Louis and moving to Washington state. My social life took a massive plunge, my reason for existing became minute, and I found myself in this slump of my life. I've encouraged myself by saying, "You are just lonely, all of your friends are on the other side of the country, everything will work out in time." Through all of these times of loneliness, sadness, and hurt there have in turn been times of rejoicing with our home missions church and the great things God is doing there. To be used in ministry at a small church and to spend all of my spare time with another family, has been amazing and a blessing in itself. But in the middle of all of these mixtures of emotions, I was and am searching. Searching for the right place to be. Where my heart feels at home, like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Some people are able to create it, some ignore it, but I am searching so hard for it. That place to call home.
"Home is where the heart is," but if you don't know where your heart is, it's hard to pinpoint that exact location. In the past couple years, I have experienced enough false love, hurt, feelings of rejection, haunting dreams, and tears to last me for the rest of my life. There were so many times of true happiness that was soon followed with unbelievable sadness, times where God had to literally piece me back together again upon the path of following His will. Through all of this, I've had to learn to sing through every situation, to break through every obstacle and distraction that the enemy has put before me. There are days, like today, that I have no clue where I am going, but the only thing I know is, it must be great... I've been through too much to not have something good coming to me. I believe if we stay faithful to God, He will remain faithful to us. There were times that I yelled at Him and questioned His will, with my heart in my hands, I would surrender it back to Him. If I can't trust in God, whom can I trust? God is my Healer, my Comforter and my Deliverer. My prayer:
God, You know my every thought and intent of my heart. All around me people rise up against me, but You lift my head. When I am down and no one is there for me, You lift me up. When I've turned away from You, I feel Your sweet bidding to my heart. You hear the cry of Your servant, I desire to be closer to You than ever before. The adversary comes up against me daily, I pray that You will give me strength to not succumb to his lies. I've not lived this life for You to only have lived it in vain. Lord, I want to make a difference in someone's life as often as I can. Help me to be sensitive to Your call, help me to reach out to other's and not be so caught up in my life that everyone else just passes me by. Encourage me as I encourage others, break my heart for what breaks Yours. My ministry, it's Yours... my voice, Yours. I am but a messenger for You, dear Lord. Speak through me, use me, I pray. Lord, be my Vindicator... I release all those who have hurt me and every wrong done to me. I know that You are working on my behalf, that everything is for my good. Help me to be a witness to my family, their hearts have become hardened and cold. Only You can restore the years that the locust hath eaten, only You can make all things new. Replace the hurt that my mother feels from years before, show her Your love that is unconditional. She has lost all trust in anything and I pray that she finds trust in You. You can replace every hurt, restore everything that is broken and love like she has never been loved. I know my life is in Your hands, I trust You, Lord. I trust that You will replace the love that has been taken from me, you will restore my brokenness, and heal my heart. Thank You for Your love and compassion, it is never failing. You are truly a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thank You Lord.
