I despise the times in our lives when we struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I hate when your phone rings and you jump to see if it is the person you desire to speak with the most. Or when you find yourself listening to an old voicemail just to hear them say I love you. And for me the worst is over-analyzing everything that went on... what went wrong... warning signs, trying to depict old text messages to better understand. It is no problem for me to admit that I cannot handle silence. I have a desperate need to talk things out. Even if we don't end up friends, I want to talk our problems out. Eventually you will, so why ignore them? I have been so unfortunate as to experience with the last two people I was involved with, a silence that is overbearing, tragic to me and have spent hours of analyzation.
I believe men are different than women when it comes to relationships. We want to talk it out, we want explanations, we desire to see their heart in it... but they don't like to offer that freely. And so we are left with the thousands of questions, the nights feeling alone all the while they have already replaced us. But one thing I am absolutely sure of... they don't forget anything. They might be able to push it far from their conscience but they are unable to block out all the words, the memories, and the wrong that they caused us. One person that we love is capable of healing up old wounds from a previous hurtful relationship, only to cause new pain and agony in the new relationship. And so the vicious cycle continues...
We give so much of ourselves in these failed relationships. We sacrifice time, sleep, money... and we simply sacrifice our love for the sake that someone will desire that love above all. We trust far too easy, in an attempt to find the one who is the most trustworthy. I don't love often, but when I do, I love deep. I have truly loved three guys in my entire life, and am not on speaking terms with any of them. They are the ones who know me the very best in the world, the ones who know my heart and soul... and they could careless what happens to me truly. I regret these relationships because they put such a bind on the person that is to come that truly is the one for me. Only two of those, would I have considered my One... both have walked slowly away, taking with them what could have been.
If we knew we would be hurt when we started into a new relationship, would we risk all the deep conversations into our personal life... would we tell them our intimate secrets... would we even attempt to build something if we knew it had no solid foundation. The answer is an obvious, no. It's pathetic that in this day and time, we cannot trust the person that we love so much. I realize that you have to give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt, but I can say this right now, I am unable to go through another failed relationship and have it dissolve before my eyes without an explanation and then eventually fall into silence. I literally do not have the strength to halfway be in a relationship, I don't want to tell anyone anything personal. I am learning a solid strength of silence within myself. If we don't truly love ourselves, who will... I firmly believe we must love ourselves before we can allow someone else to love us. If we love ourselves, we will be more careful with our intimate secrets and our levels of depth with a new prospective person.
I have known this pain before, it is very familiar to me, and so I know eventually it will cease. I am longing for the day when I feel like jumping out of bed with a renewed vigor for life. Each broken relationship takes a toll on your everyday life, especially when the person consumed every moment of those previous days. There are times that I say to God, "Seriously? Really? This isn't funny anymore." There are those times when God says, "I will replace the love that has been taken from you... I will restore you... wait on Me.... wait." And then silence... but His silence I am more patient with, because I know when He does speak to me, it's a promise that will never be broken and my relationship with Him is forever and always.
