Destination: Louisville, KY

I have officially been in Yakima, Washington for almost 2 years, and have finally decided it was time to move home. I would have never traded the experience I have gained by being here for anything. The ministry aspect at our home missions church, The Intersection Church has been literally irreplaceable. People skills, ministry minded situations and the teachings of a great pastor has equipped me into being a stronger minister of music. At college, we strived for perfection so much that we lost our focus on our anointing. God has taken me so far from where I was as a singer into being a minister for His glory. It would be very easy to stay here for a long time and continue to minister at the Intersection Church, but God has a different plan. These two years have caused me to grow up, take some responsibility for my actions, and decide what, when and where I am going to continue my life. I worked at a doctor's office here in Yakima, and achieved some great experience that I most certainly need in today's work field. So if everything is so perfect then why am I moving away from this supposed perfection?

My family.

My education.

My career.

My ministry.

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His will

I've been away from my family for six whole years now, and I have completely lost touch with them and needed to re-establish some communication and closeness with them. My family has fallen away from the Lord, and I hope to bring them back to the truth as much as I can. I am extremely scared of going back to absolutely nothing. No friends, no job, no church, no ministry. It's quite overwhelming and sometimes I think, "Whoa, what am I doing?" But I believe some people stay in the same place and in their same comfort zone for far too long, and life just passes them by. They remain in the same situations, often looking for a way out. It would be easy for me to stay here, where everything is already planned out for me. But that is not the right plan for this season of my life. It's hard for me to understand the directions of God, they are not so easy to read sometimes and He leaves the decisions up to us. I'm nervous about being in the place I despised so much. Apprehensive about not having a church to help minister or be a part in. I can tell you that the devil has spoken his lies already, words such as, "You'll never find a church that will need you there." "Your ministry will be gone, you wont be singing anymore for any congregation, you will fall away from God so quick." And as soon as I hear that, I feel such an anger that he would continue to lie to me and discourage me, when I am trying to do something that I believe is God's will.

No, I don't know where the road will lead as far as churches and jobs, but I know that God is in control of my life, and He won't let me down. I am desiring to go into nursing, He will help me along the way, I am confident in that. There will be just the right church that needs me as much as I need them, and He will be the One who will provide that. There will come a job that is close to home, flexible and dependable, He is faithful to the faithful.

It is hard to leave a church family behind and a second family that has taken you under their wing for the last couple years, but I count it as a blessing to have met such wonderful people and to have had the opportunity of a lifetime in my hands. So as I leave Yakima, Washington in less than two days... I leave with a heavy heart, but one full of great memories and love. I look onto the horizon and I see a city, one that will maybe forever change the destination of my life once again. Onto Louisville, Kentucky...

Forecast: Chance of Rain 98%

You know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours..." People everywhere for a long time have associated that with something that has happened at least once or twice in their personal lives. It seems like this year, it has been a continuous rainfall and hasn't completely became sunny in a long time. Life has not been horrible, so please, do not get me wrong. However, there have been more than a lifetime of moments, where you don't want to get out of bed the next day, or the sun is shining and you wished it was cloudy because you are so blue, or you are in a church service and you feel so completely desolate that you are almost unmoved. Those are the times I hate. I hate remembering, I hate certain songs, certain phrases, etc. All of a sudden, I have so much negativity that I am constantly walking around with a frown on my face without even noticing. People at work think I am quiet and laid back, my friends from college never hear from me... the once ever-so-loud mouthed girl has become a loner and a quiet thinker. It was a very random transition, and I'm not sure I like it.

It is inevitable that we all eventually, well rather hopefully, we grow up. My life changed drastically after leaving college in St. Louis and moving to Washington state. My social life took a massive plunge, my reason for existing became minute, and I found myself in this slump of my life. I've encouraged myself by saying, "You are just lonely, all of your friends are on the other side of the country, everything will work out in time." Through all of these times of loneliness, sadness, and hurt there have in turn been times of rejoicing with our home missions church and the great things God is doing there. To be used in ministry at a small church and to spend all of my spare time with another family, has been amazing and a blessing in itself. But in the middle of all of these mixtures of emotions, I was and am searching. Searching for the right place to be. Where my heart feels at home, like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Some people are able to create it, some ignore it, but I am searching so hard for it. That place to call home.

"Home is where the heart is," but if you don't know where your heart is, it's hard to pinpoint that exact location. In the past couple years, I have experienced enough false love, hurt, feelings of rejection, haunting dreams, and tears to last me for the rest of my life. There were so many times of true happiness that was soon followed with unbelievable sadness, times where God had to literally piece me back together again upon the path of following His will. Through all of this, I've had to learn to sing through every situation, to break through every obstacle and distraction that the enemy has put before me. There are days, like today, that I have no clue where I am going, but the only thing I know is, it must be great... I've been through too much to not have something good coming to me. I believe if we stay faithful to God, He will remain faithful to us. There were times that I yelled at Him and questioned His will, with my heart in my hands, I would surrender it back to Him. If I can't trust in God, whom can I trust? God is my Healer, my Comforter and my Deliverer. My prayer:

God, You know my every thought and intent of my heart. All around me people rise up against me, but You lift my head. When I am down and no one is there for me, You lift me up. When I've turned away from You, I feel Your sweet bidding to my heart. You hear the cry of Your servant, I desire to be closer to You than ever before. The adversary comes up against me daily, I pray that You will give me strength to not succumb to his lies. I've not lived this life for You to only have lived it in vain. Lord, I want to make a difference in someone's life as often as I can. Help me to be sensitive to Your call, help me to reach out to other's and not be so caught up in my life that everyone else just passes me by. Encourage me as I encourage others, break my heart for what breaks Yours. My ministry, it's Yours... my voice, Yours. I am but a messenger for You, dear Lord. Speak through me, use me, I pray. Lord, be my Vindicator... I release all those who have hurt me and every wrong done to me. I know that You are working on my behalf, that everything is for my good. Help me to be a witness to my family, their hearts have become hardened and cold. Only You can restore the years that the locust hath eaten, only You can make all things new. Replace the hurt that my mother feels from years before, show her Your love that is unconditional. She has lost all trust in anything and I pray that she finds trust in You. You can replace every hurt, restore everything that is broken and love like she has never been loved. I know my life is in Your hands, I trust You, Lord. I trust that You will replace the love that has been taken from me, you will restore my brokenness, and heal my heart. Thank You for Your love and compassion, it is never failing. You are truly a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thank You Lord.

The Silence of Broken Relationships

I despise the times in our lives when we struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I hate when your phone rings and you jump to see if it is the person you desire to speak with the most. Or when you find yourself listening to an old voicemail just to hear them say I love you. And for me the worst is over-analyzing everything that went on... what went wrong... warning signs, trying to depict old text messages to better understand. It is no problem for me to admit that I cannot handle silence. I have a desperate need to talk things out. Even if we don't end up friends, I want to talk our problems out. Eventually you will, so why ignore them? I have been so unfortunate as to experience with the last two people I was involved with, a silence that is overbearing, tragic to me and have spent hours of analyzation.

I believe men are different than women when it comes to relationships. We want to talk it out, we want explanations, we desire to see their heart in it... but they don't like to offer that freely. And so we are left with the thousands of questions, the nights feeling alone all the while they have already replaced us. But one thing I am absolutely sure of... they don't forget anything. They might be able to push it far from their conscience but they are unable to block out all the words, the memories, and the wrong that they caused us. One person that we love is capable of healing up old wounds from a previous hurtful relationship, only to cause new pain and agony in the new relationship. And so the vicious cycle continues...

We give so much of ourselves in these failed relationships. We sacrifice time, sleep, money... and we simply sacrifice our love for the sake that someone will desire that love above all. We trust far too easy, in an attempt to find the one who is the most trustworthy. I don't love often, but when I do, I love deep. I have truly loved three guys in my entire life, and am not on speaking terms with any of them. They are the ones who know me the very best in the world, the ones who know my heart and soul... and they could careless what happens to me truly. I regret these relationships because they put such a bind on the person that is to come that truly is the one for me. Only two of those, would I have considered my One... both have walked slowly away, taking with them what could have been.

If we knew we would be hurt when we started into a new relationship, would we risk all the deep conversations into our personal life... would we tell them our intimate secrets... would we even attempt to build something if we knew it had no solid foundation. The answer is an obvious, no. It's pathetic that in this day and time, we cannot trust the person that we love so much. I realize that you have to give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt, but I can say this right now, I am unable to go through another failed relationship and have it dissolve before my eyes without an explanation and then eventually fall into silence. I literally do not have the strength to halfway be in a relationship, I don't want to tell anyone anything personal. I am learning a solid strength of silence within myself. If we don't truly love ourselves, who will... I firmly believe we must love ourselves before we can allow someone else to love us. If we love ourselves, we will be more careful with our intimate secrets and our levels of depth with a new prospective person.

I have known this pain before, it is very familiar to me, and so I know eventually it will cease. I am longing for the day when I feel like jumping out of bed with a renewed vigor for life. Each broken relationship takes a toll on your everyday life, especially when the person consumed every moment of those previous days. There are times that I say to God, "Seriously? Really? This isn't funny anymore." There are those times when God says, "I will replace the love that has been taken from you... I will restore you... wait on Me.... wait." And then silence... but His silence I am more patient with, because I know when He does speak to me, it's a promise that will never be broken and my relationship with Him is forever and always.

One Road

How do you start explaining a life that you don't understand yourself? How do you explain the person you've become when the past flew by so quickly without a thought? It is official. For everyone that must know, know this... I am completely and utterly in love with the most wonderful man in the world. It's completely hysterical for me to look back on my past relationships and worries, and realize that the doors of that part of my life are completely closed with deadbolts on the doors. I am so completely enthralled with my relationship with him that he has done the unexpected... begin to heal the broken girl and to mend my dreams along with it. He doesn't even know that, we rarely speak of those left better unmentioned. There is no need to expound upon the past or to reflect. When I am with him, my mind is on one thing and one thing alone... the future. I've never known someone that could bring out my crazy, funny side and also my serious, spiritual side at the same time. Balance is what I've been searching for and balance is exactly what I got! It's true that if you wait for the right one and quit trying to mold someone into that perfect someone, that he will find you. He does not need any refining, does not need any changing, he is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

A good friend whom I respect very much told me lately, "It's funny how everything else just isn't as important as before, when you've met someone." That was of course re-stated, but the thought stayed with me. The little things in life seem little and the big things are just momentary, because you know that he is going to be right there to hold you and tell you everything will be absolutely okay and mean it. Does it ever seem like you have traveled down roads in your life, that led you to so many different destinations. You would think to yourself, is this the one? And in your heart you knew it wasn't, but you had nothing to compare it to, so you doubted your conscience. Or it's like a road that led you straight to someone that seemed so perfect for a while, but then hurt you deeply and you wonder if you could ever trust someone again? But amazingly, what I have found is that there is only one road in life and it leads straight to you... Am I completely gushing? Because I feel like it and I have no apology... :)

For all the women that are in between relationships, for the ones who have felt that deep burning for the right one in their heart, and for the ones who have been deeply hurt by the not so right one, know this... he is there. He really is, so unexpectedly, so surprisingly, and so beautifully there. Hopefully it will be the exact person, the one you have waited so patiently for, and the timing will be right. Please stay tuned... there will be updates...