So you ask, what does your title mean? Oh allow me... sit down, get comfortable, and if you prefer, get a glass of water because this conversation is a dry one. I will begin with stating the fact that my life as of late, has became an upheaval of many different emotions and previous emotional ties. Last week was a strange mix of new emotions, along with some that I care to not experience again. It seemed I was desperate for compassion, consideration, and commitment. And I was met with quite the opposite, and even after my cloudy mind had cleared, I was still met with the inconsistencies. I am very sure that I have never cried that much, never fought to find the good, or struggled to smooth over something that is so turbulent. But something did change, yet it wasn't what I was trying to morph. In the midst of all my adversity and frustration, I changed. Me. For a second, I saw myself the way everyone else does. I saw discontentment, confusion, weakness, stupidity, and most of all, I saw my problem. I realized that sometimes in life, we love people differently than they love us. And no, that does not mean that we want to date someone and they don't want to date us, because that is not the case in this situation at all. Instead, we love people different. We show them our love through different areas. I show how much I love someone by: Emotional ties, physical attention, giving, compassion, patience, always believing and not judging. Is this necessarily all healthy aspects? No. But this is who I am. I am sick of being what people assume I am, people who know of me, and make wrongful assumptions concerning my morale. If you don't like me... too bad. Go away; I don't need your accusations, your criticism, or your approval. I am completely sick of the people who "know" you and have an opinion about you and your relationships. They try to compare you to themselves, but WE are different. My end result will still be determined, you already have yours.
After that moment, I will address laundry day. I cannot express to you readers how absolutely fed up I am of lines of propriety, lines of relationships, lines of friendships, and lines in life. Hence "It's not laundry day... take the line down." This statement came out as I spoke to one of my close girlfriends, and we laughed, but it was so true. People around me, put up all these lines, and when its convenient for them, the lines fall down immediately. Moment over. Lines resurrect and then the blame comes. I am like... really? What am I left with besides a resurrected line, is the feeling of insecurity and frustration. There are lines surrounding my actions and my words, who determines when they are to fall down? Apparently not me. I *pointing finger at chest* am not a hypocrite. What happened to me, is that, they tore down all these lines I had put up for so long, so many walls that surrounded me. Here's the difference. They are still torn down; I didn't build them back up as soon as I was hurt or confused. And even with lines, sometimes we are so good at staying true to them, but our heart desires something else. What I have learned is that what I desire or attempt to hide can develop a life of its own, creating a very confused state of mind. Desire is equivalent to actions in some cases. I have become so protective of myself now, its dangerous. You might think you have me all figured out, and you know what I want and who I am. But um... that just means, watch out, there is something new coming at you. So officially, I am completely through with all the lines, all the useless comparisons and the meaningless emotions. Guess what? It's not laundry day... take the line down!
