California Dreaming

When you love someone, it’s incredible how many things trigger a memory. I walked into a restaurant last night, and Adele was singing a song that most people don’t really discuss, but it’s called Love Song. It’s so simple, yet haunting, but it made me reminisce the way songs do. Last time when J. and I broke up, I listened to so much sad music from A Fine Frenzy to Blu Cantrell to Whitney to Kirk Franklin. I couldn’t find any healing in any of the music, and music is my go-to. This time, I refused to listen to any music. I couldn’t stomach any genre, and resorted to quotes and writings from other broken hearted people. It was interesting to see how many people have been in a similar situation, and how in the end, we all felt the same. Blaming ourselves, questioning its validity at all, loving and hating simultaneously. I started to pin a million sayings on Pinterest into his own dedicated private folder, and followed so many poets on Instagram. But in the end, none of these helped either. It only confused me more because I started to remember the beginning through the almost end, when everything was perfect. He was perfect. For me a breakup consists of weird stages, but this one went like this:

• Complete heartbreak with full on screaming and crying, clutching my chest, called into work, couldn’t eat or drink
• Bargaining which consisted of hundreds of texts back and forth trying to understand and cope
• Seeking God in everything and begging for answers
• Numbness and realization that there was no hope
• Bargaining again
• His silence, then my silence
• First date since him, and then the closure email was written

Of course there are a few interchangeable stages in there or all at once. My poor pets were so scared, and never knew when I would just lose it and fling myself on my bed and throw an absolute fit. Dramatic, I know. I wasn’t getting the answers I needed from my family, friends, God, or him. I had just gotten to the point where I knew I could move past it all. I hadn't cried in a while, my heart still hurt, but it was moving on. And it was at the closure stage that I realized, this wasn’t really over in my mind. I didn’t want to let go, I wanted him to fight, to choose me. It wasn’t about emotions anymore or bargaining, it was that moment when Carrie sees Big in the closet of their penthouse, and she just runs to him. It was true love.

So my California dream would be to have him again, to be loved by him only the way he can. To know what was once right that went wrong, would somehow, someway become right again. Sometimes you have to weed out all the toxic people in your life, become private, and just breathe. No one can make your heart stop hurting except the person who hurt it. No one can tell you what you need to hear, no one’s experience can make your own experience better. However, I appreciate every person that gave me advice or shared their story because it gave me peace, and allowed me to see past my own pain to realize that in life we really are all quite similar. We all share pain, sadness, heartbreak, love, happiness, loneliness, confusion. We all have dreams that are broken, we have realities that are unforeseeable. We love, we hate, and we feel, we go numb, but at the end of the day, we are all alike, just humans searching for love, acceptance and peace. It’s pretty simple really, but life happens.

So today, I am dreaming of a life I was supposed to have that was stolen from me. I am dreaming of California, and all the possibilities that came with it. I can see the ocean, and smell the salt in the air, the breeze from the water. It's hopeful, and I feel peace in my dream, and I see his face smiling at me, loving me. I am dreaming of him and his love that made me so happy. It’s okay to be a dreamer, because life and reality will bring you back far too quickly. So dream while you can, hope for the unthinkable, do the unbelievable, and just find your happiness.

No Hope

“I think I’m getting better, I think I’m getting over it. I’m starting to not feel as hurt and missing him as bad.” Those words were no sooner out of my mouth that I felt the depression kick back in. It was like because I spoke it, the enemy immediately swooped in and said, “Oh yeah, check this out.” At dinner, I could barely eat as I moped and pushed my food around. On the way home, I checked Facebook only to see he removed our pictures. All of them. All of our memories, the happy smiles, the promise of a life together, gone. It kicked me over the edge, and I resulted in blowing up his phone with texts full of blame, begging, wishing, apologizing. Only to be met with coldness, and then silence.

There is this moment in a breakup that is singlehandedly the hardest part of the entire breakup once you are past the initial words of the ending, and that is the moment when you realize there is no hope. In a break-up, I feel that most people have some form of hope that lingers for an undetermined amount of time. It may never come, or it may come a year down the road or only linger for the first month. For me, it was two weeks. Two weeks of hoping that God would give us His blessing in our relationship. Hope that he would show up on my doorstep, and take me back to California and live happily ever after. Hope that the love and hopes and dreams we shared, and the life we planned in full detail would happen somehow, someway. Hope that my heart would be healed by his incredible love, and ultimately, hope that this was all just a really bad dream. But there is no hope, and that is the most incredibly sad comment I could possibly say about the relationship I shared with him.

Now comes the questions: Why is he so cold? Why is he walking away so easily? Is he with someone already? Is he talking to someone? Did he ever really love me? Was everything we shared just a dream that he never planned to fulfill? What, when, why, how? How could he walk away knowing all that he knows? The questions are endless, and I know the answers, but I don’t want to admit the truth, because the truth hurts. What no one knows is this… he rescued me from a dark place. He loved me back to life after I had given up on love, and decided to live a life of sin to fill the emptiness. He made me realize that I am loveable, and beautiful, and silly, and that I deserve someone good. I’m grateful to him for that, but with all the goodness came a lot of pain at the end. There have been days I wished to not wake up, and days that my heart hurt so bad that I felt like it could burst out of my chest. It has taken all my power to just get up and shower and go to work. I know I sound dramatic, and I’ll admit I am, but I have no apologies for how I am coping with this.

I will never plan my life with someone again without almost complete surety that it will work out. We made premature plans both times we dated. This time, we had how we would decorate our house, our Christmas tree, how we would dress our children, what kind of lessons they would have, their names and backup names. We dreamed of our ministries together, shared hopes and dreams of everything, made plans to go to San Francisco, different places in San Diego, Mexico, etc, etc, etc. We would just plan and plan, and hold hands in the car and talk about our wonderful life together. I mean, a month ago, you couldn’t have told me that I wasn’t moving to California in May. He was getting things ready there in Cali, and I was getting things ready here in Indiana. Hopefully a wedding in July and wanting to tell everyone about a baby in December. I was prepared to move my job, and had gotten permission to work from home, and was ready to sell everything in my apartment and move to start our life together. And then, it’s over… For a 34 year old and a 36 year old, we sure made some mistakes. I won’t do that again. I guess I just hoped this was it. I felt like it was, and I am starting to finally feel like it wasn’t. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, but today, there is no hope, and I hate that.

Death of a Relationship

How do you find happiness again after losing the one you love to a breakup?

I’ve often heard it said that a break-up is like a death, and for those who have experienced the death of a love then I apologize as I know it is not the same. However, the way we treat a true ending of a relationship, is often like the ending of a life together. The heartbreak, the memories, the walking around the store aimlessly and breaking down at the smallest memory, the triggers, the pain, the constant blips of hope only for those to be quickly dissipated. It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for a month, three months, five years or twenty-five years, each person that experiences a break-up with someone they planned a life with or had one with, ultimately experiences a death of themselves and that love.


For me, it was so quick and three months of whirlwind love and romance with every perfect word spoken, every dream dreamed, and every plan planned. I was astounded that I could find such happiness with the person, who was my true soul mate. We would both sit and wonder how blessed we were to be together after our less than blessed pasts, and muse that most people never get a chance to feel this type of love that we shared. People in public at restaurants, malls, wherever would look at us and laugh with us because it was completely obvious that we were undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy. So you ask, how do you go from being “undoubtedly in love and blissfully happy” to feeling “lost, hopeless, and alone?” The answer is unclear even to me. I know why he and I broke up, but the feelings, the happiness, the “rightness,” the God thing; the everything else makes my head spin.


I’ve hidden every present from him, the card, (minus my purse because I love it too much) and anything with his handwriting. It’s still painful to see the 300+ pictures of us on my phone, or the single pictures of him, he didn’t even know I took of him standing somewhere or walking towards me. He hated my need for pictures, but always obliged which I am still grateful for. I have one video of him, and I’ve only allowed myself to watch it once but his voice, oh that voice, it leveled me. If I knew the last time I kissed him would be the last time, I would’ve never let him leave; I would’ve never let him stop. Well not that I’d have a choice, but theoretically. I never thought I’d not hear his gorgeous voice say I love you anymore, but it’s gone, and it’s an awful feeling.

He honestly did what he thought he had to. He is broken, I am broken. Okay, I am way more emotional, so you know that I am way more dramatic and broken. I’ll have a good day where I am remembering how to be happy without him, and then I’ll breakdown from one trigger that I thought was hidden away or maybe just a simple memory, and the fact that our life we planned is gone. How do you rebuild a life again? How do you even think about loving someone again when the person you love is still out there, living, working, right there, but unobtainable? How do you readjust to your old life when you planned a new one and were living it?

What do you do when his half of his family is telling you to run and the other half is begging you to hold on? Your friends are telling you to cut it off and never look back? Your mother is saying let go and quit being stupid. But your heart is following him around like a little puppy, just wanting to be loved and wanting to be held. I have enough details, enough pain, enough answers and revelation to run as far as possible. But it was HIM. He was my one, but what if he’s not. What if I was mistaken? What if my one is really out there, and I made a huge mistake, but everything felt right? It’s hard to believe that you can really click with someone on every little aspect only to have it taken from you. How do you like all the same music, all the same things, have similar family issues, the same ministries, the same singing voices, eat the same little portions and share every meal, he does everything that I love like reprimanding me for being a brat, and then chasing me when I’m brattier, or trailing his fingers on my hands in the car because he knows I love to be touched, and making me say I love you and give him a kiss when I get irritable for no reason. He gets me, and I think that’s the hardest part of this. Putting aside everything I know about him, and everything he knows about me, we fell in love in a truly hopeless place. Was it the right time? No. Was it the perfect situation? No. He said over and over that 2018 was our year for happiness because it had been so long since we were happy. Here we are 31 days into 2018, and I am the furthest thing from happy. I’m experiencing the death of a relationship with who I thought was my soul mate, and trying to pick up my exhausted heart and trust God that He will love me back to life again.

PS. I haven't wrote on this blog in 8 years, and I scrolled down and saw a post about the same guy from 2009, called One Road, right before he broke my heart all those years ago too. It was good for me to see how similar this was again. Dry laugh.

Things I have discovered in the last year:

~Absence does not make the heart grow fonder; instead it gives us an opportunity to forget

~No matter how much quiet time I have, I always desire more

~The road less traveled is dark and not very welcoming

~Most of the people I used to care about are now just a distant memory

~I’ve thought about blogging at least ten times, and am always too tired to think

~It’s true that you can go from being a social butterfly to being a quiet introvert, at least, until you are reunited with those that bring out your true colors

~My hate for talking on the phone has increased to the highest maximum

~My love for Apple products has increased too, and I am a Mac lover now

~Social networking is overrated and I wish to be free from it, maybe tomorrow

~No matter how good I pretend, sometimes my conscience resists

~The truth that dreams really aren’t our reality and this is good, because my dreams are painful

~I’ll never be truly happy until this one particular event takes place, and then I’ll consider it

~I don’t need friends to survive; I am perfectly fine alone, until I am scared

~In Bible College, I made a 3.1 GPA and in Grown-up College, I make a 4.0

~Someone lied when they said you can forgive, but you can’t forget

~The things I cared about the most are hidden, but they are still there, most definitely there

~True happiness comes from you, and what you decide is worth living for

~I don’t ask God repeatedly for blessings, I only ask on rare occasions for specific instructions

~Whoever said life goes on left out the part that to go on, you have to start a new life

~Sometimes I feel lost, but then I just realize that I have completely lost interest

~I’m through over-analyzing my future and my past, and my present is just a black and white movie playing over and over again

Destination: Louisville, KY

I have officially been in Yakima, Washington for almost 2 years, and have finally decided it was time to move home. I would have never traded the experience I have gained by being here for anything. The ministry aspect at our home missions church, The Intersection Church has been literally irreplaceable. People skills, ministry minded situations and the teachings of a great pastor has equipped me into being a stronger minister of music. At college, we strived for perfection so much that we lost our focus on our anointing. God has taken me so far from where I was as a singer into being a minister for His glory. It would be very easy to stay here for a long time and continue to minister at the Intersection Church, but God has a different plan. These two years have caused me to grow up, take some responsibility for my actions, and decide what, when and where I am going to continue my life. I worked at a doctor's office here in Yakima, and achieved some great experience that I most certainly need in today's work field. So if everything is so perfect then why am I moving away from this supposed perfection?

My family.

My education.

My career.

My ministry.

=

His will

I've been away from my family for six whole years now, and I have completely lost touch with them and needed to re-establish some communication and closeness with them. My family has fallen away from the Lord, and I hope to bring them back to the truth as much as I can. I am extremely scared of going back to absolutely nothing. No friends, no job, no church, no ministry. It's quite overwhelming and sometimes I think, "Whoa, what am I doing?" But I believe some people stay in the same place and in their same comfort zone for far too long, and life just passes them by. They remain in the same situations, often looking for a way out. It would be easy for me to stay here, where everything is already planned out for me. But that is not the right plan for this season of my life. It's hard for me to understand the directions of God, they are not so easy to read sometimes and He leaves the decisions up to us. I'm nervous about being in the place I despised so much. Apprehensive about not having a church to help minister or be a part in. I can tell you that the devil has spoken his lies already, words such as, "You'll never find a church that will need you there." "Your ministry will be gone, you wont be singing anymore for any congregation, you will fall away from God so quick." And as soon as I hear that, I feel such an anger that he would continue to lie to me and discourage me, when I am trying to do something that I believe is God's will.

No, I don't know where the road will lead as far as churches and jobs, but I know that God is in control of my life, and He won't let me down. I am desiring to go into nursing, He will help me along the way, I am confident in that. There will be just the right church that needs me as much as I need them, and He will be the One who will provide that. There will come a job that is close to home, flexible and dependable, He is faithful to the faithful.

It is hard to leave a church family behind and a second family that has taken you under their wing for the last couple years, but I count it as a blessing to have met such wonderful people and to have had the opportunity of a lifetime in my hands. So as I leave Yakima, Washington in less than two days... I leave with a heavy heart, but one full of great memories and love. I look onto the horizon and I see a city, one that will maybe forever change the destination of my life once again. Onto Louisville, Kentucky...

Forecast: Chance of Rain 98%

You know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours..." People everywhere for a long time have associated that with something that has happened at least once or twice in their personal lives. It seems like this year, it has been a continuous rainfall and hasn't completely became sunny in a long time. Life has not been horrible, so please, do not get me wrong. However, there have been more than a lifetime of moments, where you don't want to get out of bed the next day, or the sun is shining and you wished it was cloudy because you are so blue, or you are in a church service and you feel so completely desolate that you are almost unmoved. Those are the times I hate. I hate remembering, I hate certain songs, certain phrases, etc. All of a sudden, I have so much negativity that I am constantly walking around with a frown on my face without even noticing. People at work think I am quiet and laid back, my friends from college never hear from me... the once ever-so-loud mouthed girl has become a loner and a quiet thinker. It was a very random transition, and I'm not sure I like it.

It is inevitable that we all eventually, well rather hopefully, we grow up. My life changed drastically after leaving college in St. Louis and moving to Washington state. My social life took a massive plunge, my reason for existing became minute, and I found myself in this slump of my life. I've encouraged myself by saying, "You are just lonely, all of your friends are on the other side of the country, everything will work out in time." Through all of these times of loneliness, sadness, and hurt there have in turn been times of rejoicing with our home missions church and the great things God is doing there. To be used in ministry at a small church and to spend all of my spare time with another family, has been amazing and a blessing in itself. But in the middle of all of these mixtures of emotions, I was and am searching. Searching for the right place to be. Where my heart feels at home, like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Some people are able to create it, some ignore it, but I am searching so hard for it. That place to call home.

"Home is where the heart is," but if you don't know where your heart is, it's hard to pinpoint that exact location. In the past couple years, I have experienced enough false love, hurt, feelings of rejection, haunting dreams, and tears to last me for the rest of my life. There were so many times of true happiness that was soon followed with unbelievable sadness, times where God had to literally piece me back together again upon the path of following His will. Through all of this, I've had to learn to sing through every situation, to break through every obstacle and distraction that the enemy has put before me. There are days, like today, that I have no clue where I am going, but the only thing I know is, it must be great... I've been through too much to not have something good coming to me. I believe if we stay faithful to God, He will remain faithful to us. There were times that I yelled at Him and questioned His will, with my heart in my hands, I would surrender it back to Him. If I can't trust in God, whom can I trust? God is my Healer, my Comforter and my Deliverer. My prayer:

God, You know my every thought and intent of my heart. All around me people rise up against me, but You lift my head. When I am down and no one is there for me, You lift me up. When I've turned away from You, I feel Your sweet bidding to my heart. You hear the cry of Your servant, I desire to be closer to You than ever before. The adversary comes up against me daily, I pray that You will give me strength to not succumb to his lies. I've not lived this life for You to only have lived it in vain. Lord, I want to make a difference in someone's life as often as I can. Help me to be sensitive to Your call, help me to reach out to other's and not be so caught up in my life that everyone else just passes me by. Encourage me as I encourage others, break my heart for what breaks Yours. My ministry, it's Yours... my voice, Yours. I am but a messenger for You, dear Lord. Speak through me, use me, I pray. Lord, be my Vindicator... I release all those who have hurt me and every wrong done to me. I know that You are working on my behalf, that everything is for my good. Help me to be a witness to my family, their hearts have become hardened and cold. Only You can restore the years that the locust hath eaten, only You can make all things new. Replace the hurt that my mother feels from years before, show her Your love that is unconditional. She has lost all trust in anything and I pray that she finds trust in You. You can replace every hurt, restore everything that is broken and love like she has never been loved. I know my life is in Your hands, I trust You, Lord. I trust that You will replace the love that has been taken from me, you will restore my brokenness, and heal my heart. Thank You for Your love and compassion, it is never failing. You are truly a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thank You Lord.

The Silence of Broken Relationships

I despise the times in our lives when we struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I hate when your phone rings and you jump to see if it is the person you desire to speak with the most. Or when you find yourself listening to an old voicemail just to hear them say I love you. And for me the worst is over-analyzing everything that went on... what went wrong... warning signs, trying to depict old text messages to better understand. It is no problem for me to admit that I cannot handle silence. I have a desperate need to talk things out. Even if we don't end up friends, I want to talk our problems out. Eventually you will, so why ignore them? I have been so unfortunate as to experience with the last two people I was involved with, a silence that is overbearing, tragic to me and have spent hours of analyzation.

I believe men are different than women when it comes to relationships. We want to talk it out, we want explanations, we desire to see their heart in it... but they don't like to offer that freely. And so we are left with the thousands of questions, the nights feeling alone all the while they have already replaced us. But one thing I am absolutely sure of... they don't forget anything. They might be able to push it far from their conscience but they are unable to block out all the words, the memories, and the wrong that they caused us. One person that we love is capable of healing up old wounds from a previous hurtful relationship, only to cause new pain and agony in the new relationship. And so the vicious cycle continues...

We give so much of ourselves in these failed relationships. We sacrifice time, sleep, money... and we simply sacrifice our love for the sake that someone will desire that love above all. We trust far too easy, in an attempt to find the one who is the most trustworthy. I don't love often, but when I do, I love deep. I have truly loved three guys in my entire life, and am not on speaking terms with any of them. They are the ones who know me the very best in the world, the ones who know my heart and soul... and they could careless what happens to me truly. I regret these relationships because they put such a bind on the person that is to come that truly is the one for me. Only two of those, would I have considered my One... both have walked slowly away, taking with them what could have been.

If we knew we would be hurt when we started into a new relationship, would we risk all the deep conversations into our personal life... would we tell them our intimate secrets... would we even attempt to build something if we knew it had no solid foundation. The answer is an obvious, no. It's pathetic that in this day and time, we cannot trust the person that we love so much. I realize that you have to give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt, but I can say this right now, I am unable to go through another failed relationship and have it dissolve before my eyes without an explanation and then eventually fall into silence. I literally do not have the strength to halfway be in a relationship, I don't want to tell anyone anything personal. I am learning a solid strength of silence within myself. If we don't truly love ourselves, who will... I firmly believe we must love ourselves before we can allow someone else to love us. If we love ourselves, we will be more careful with our intimate secrets and our levels of depth with a new prospective person.

I have known this pain before, it is very familiar to me, and so I know eventually it will cease. I am longing for the day when I feel like jumping out of bed with a renewed vigor for life. Each broken relationship takes a toll on your everyday life, especially when the person consumed every moment of those previous days. There are times that I say to God, "Seriously? Really? This isn't funny anymore." There are those times when God says, "I will replace the love that has been taken from you... I will restore you... wait on Me.... wait." And then silence... but His silence I am more patient with, because I know when He does speak to me, it's a promise that will never be broken and my relationship with Him is forever and always.